"You're there, she's there, what's the problem?"

by Veronica Makow
(New York, NY)

Caregiver Sibling Anger and Resentment

I am single and work full-time. Mom lived with me for 10 years and the last 2 years is when she went into her decline and then passed away.

Mom's SS did not cover all the care she needed and I asked my siblings to assist. My siblings both live out of state and would visit once a year. My sister always wanted to see Mom, but my brother would only come if I asked him to because I needed to travel for business. He never visited because he wanted to see Mom.

My sister did help with expenses even though she was struggling with financial difficulties. My wealthy brother asked to see a list of expenses and then only gave me a check for the difference down to the last penny! If the expense was $449.98, it would have been nice to get a check for $450.00!

I told them I felt I should be compensated as well and asked for an additional $ 200 a month - my sister could not contribute any more.

My brother's reaction?

"You've lived together all these years anyway. Why should you be paid? You're there, she's there, what's the problem?"

Angry? Resentful? You bet I am!

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Veronica and Geraldine, I feel for you both
by: Laraine

While my rich sister-in-law never offered any financial help (not even to take over our mortgage so I could stay home with her father) at least I never suffered any criticism from either of my sisters-in-law (though they might have done so to each other). Neither of them gave any help except to visit their father once a week. The rich one died a few years ago and didn't leave anything to her sister (the one I'm looking after) by the way. If I had a rich sister I couldn't imagine her doing that to me!

From where I'm sitting your brother sounds mean and cruel, Veronica. Looking after my father-in-law cost us hugely in financial terms so I know how you feel.

Angry AND Resentful Sibling Caregiver of Elderly Parents
by: Geraldine

Angry and Resentful as a Sibling Caregiver of Elderly Parents? You bet! The long hours after work and cooking and cleaning for my own family AND caring for my father and my sisters don't help a lick.....except to question my every move.

When I want to get reimbursed for expenses the accounting becomes a nightmare as they question every line. "why did you go to this store, I could have found it cheaper here". I have tried to explain that I am not billing for my time as this would cost a fortune to have someone come in as much as I am now. I just wish they could come down and care for him for a week or two....the questions and complaining would stop, I am certain.

I moved Dad close by after Mom died a few years ago and she pretty well did everything for him. Now it falls to me. I wanted him here and don't mind the time invested to care for him. It's just the frustration of being second guessed when speaking to my sisters about the weekly events and what is going on as far as food and every day expenses....thanks for having this forum to speak out, it did help and I feel better.

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