Yes, You Bet I'm Resentful

When we moved my 85 year old mother in with us almost a year ago it was because she was having problems taking care of her apt. She was having problems doing her laundry and cooking also.

Fast forward to today, since she's been here, she's been fine. She wants to cook, she does her laundry and sometimes she dusts. She is just fine and can function independently. It's clearly obvious and quite the change from a year ago.

Shortly after she moved in she said "I didn't think you wanted me to live with you".
Then we saw the reality of things. This was her way of getting us to take her in.

We are miserable and we want her in her own place.
We are trying to see what we can find for her. Money IS an issue in this case.

Yes I resent this. You bet I do.

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I feel the same
by: Anonymous

I totally feel your resentment! I think you should take your well deserved vacation and travel! I've been taking care/living with my 82 yr. old Mother now for 8yrs.

I have 6 other siblings who all have husbands/boyfriends who Mom doesn't want to bother. I feel the resentment you speak of as well. My brother who is 56 uses drugs, and doesn't work. He borrowed $2000 dollars from her 2yrs. ago as he was once AGAIN in jail due to his 3 owi. He hasn't paid her back a dime.

He moves in and out of here whenever his girlfriend kicks him out and Mom gives him money for his cigarettes, or whatever.(drugs). She treats me like a virus, and expects me to pay her monthly rent. I don't mind that part at all, but have much resentment towards my Mom for her enabling a low life druggy. Take a vacation before you're too old to enjoy it...PLEASE!! You deserve it.

Mixed thoughts
by: Elly

I am in my 5th year of caring for my widowed, 84 year old mother. I live near her, not with her. I am with her 4-7 days a week for about 4-8 hours at a time.

I handle all her appointments, mail, finances and take her to these appts, grocery shopping, the library, cemetery... I also spend about 4 hours a week doing things for her when I am not with her. I know this is considerably less time invested than those of you who are 24/7 caregivers.

I try to be appreciate of the time I do have to myself. But I am resentful, especially of my brother, whose life has not skipped a beat since my mother went from being dependent on my father to not having him anymore. And I am tired.

My goal was to retire and travel. But I had to retire to take care of my mom. Since I can't travel as I had hoped, I work part-time.

How do you get past absolutely not being able to stand your sibling who has left you stuck with all this? ( He lives an hour away). Talking with him has done zero good. He does not care.
Any advise? What makes it worse is my mother acts like he's a prince.
I dread the holidays.

I understand
by: Anonymous

I know it seems contrived and sneaky and planned and perhaps it was, but the reason behind it is that she likely was afraid of being alone.

Also, having someone around may give her confidence and a sense of safety. It's hard to say. I'm not 85 and living alone. Maybe she was mixing up her pills, forgetting to eat, or afraid of sounds in the night.

If she's got any dementia or maybe has and you haven't noticed yet, but she has then the confusion of what is going on in her mind can be very fearful.

My mom was doing bad as well living alone. Truthfully, I moved her in with me thinking it wouldn't be for long. That was two years ago. She has rallied while I have more health issues now than I've ever had.

Like you I resent my situation as well and it's a fine line to walk to not hate the person as well as the situation because the two blur together. Every month I turn over the page to a new month I feel fear in not knowing how long this will go on.

But then I try to reach for compassion for this small little woman now nearing the end of her life. Is she afraid? I'm afraid of dying and everything ending.

Maybe I won't want to spend my last days alone, either. When I can I try to put myself in her shoes. Perhaps that will help if you can do that.

Take care.

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