YES, I'm Angry

by Lyn
(Pennsylvania)

My Parents didn't plan for retirement years and now it's on the children to handle the mess.


Nether of my parents graduated from high school. They married young because that's what you did in the 40's. They had 4 children and paid the bills but I don't even know how.

We didn't have many vacations, didn't go to summer camp, eat out or do much of anything. None of us went to on to further education until we on our own figured out how to pay for it. My father decided to become a Jehovah's Witness when I was about 5 years old.

They believe that the end of the world will wipe out all the evil and the chosen people will survive in a land of paradise ---- thus no retirement planning. Only one sibling is now a Jehovah's Witness now.

So now here we are my father passed away 10 year ago and my mother is 84 living on a meager social security check. She refuses to leave the family house but can't afford to live in it or take care of it.

So we children are being expected to pay for things to be done at the house, help pay for her living expenses and pay her 2nd mortgage taken out on the house before my father passed away. My mother still drives but recently has had some health issues so we have to get her groceries and take her to appointments.

She is still in relatively good health and could continue on for a number of years.

We have all tried talking to her about this- even got her applications for senior apartments but she won't fill out the forms.

The guilt trip is enormous. We are all getting to the point now that we don't even want to go to her house. She is very jealous if you mention doing anything without her and complains constantly about nobody helping clean her house or doing the yard work..... her house is cleaner than mine.

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I agree
by: Anonymous

I resonate with the comment "you cannot love someone who holds you hostage and expects your life to be handed over. The resentment outweighs the love."

I keep repeating to myself that I can't fix it, I can't fix it. I can't change my Dad from the jerk person he is. Mom wants just wants him "fixed" which isn't going to happen.

I have to gracefully support my Mom while not owning the problem. But that is easier said than done. Ugh.

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I understand!
by: Anonymous

It isn't easy but stepping back and letting her see that you all have to work and have children to raise might let things pile up and as the other person posted if she can not afford to stay at home then there is no other option but to move into a senior care home.

I would not share about taking trips or doing things as a family. That just makes her resent everyone more.

It is hard I have received two calls this morning fussing at me about their laundry but funny thing is they are in a nursing home but I do their laundry which is about to change.

My health is not good and I just can't keep up. Beside that we are paying for the nursing home to do this yet they don't want the nursing home to do their laundry. Why I don't know. But after tonight I will no longer be doing it.

It is my in-laws. My husband and me are fussed at all the time about something. It is not our fault that they over spent did not save and had to go into the nursing home. We don't have the money to pay for 24 hour at home care which runs around 16,000 per month that's right SIXTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS PER MONTH.

I pray you can find peace while still taking care of you family as well. It is hard to find it.

BTW we lived across the street from them for decades you can't even imagine how bad it was but my husband is an only child.

BTW you can get a medical power of attorney and take her out of the home if she is a danger to herself or others if she drives etc.

Just explain it this way. Parents put their kids in day care and children grow up and have to often put their parents in day care.

Amazing that the old people think this is 1920 and the man works and the women stay home and care for every one else. It is a new day where most homes need both husband and wife to work.

The elderly don't understand my mother-in-law has never worked. She doesn't understand the stress of being responsible for the bills or house etc.

Don't give up but remember you have to care for yourself if not then you can't care for any one else.

Funny his parents were very bad to him and me but yet we stayed to try and do the right thing maybe we did the right thing and maybe we didn't by staying and putting up with them all these years. The stress is what my doctor said caused most of my health issues. Oh well...

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We need an Elder-Annon
by: Leasa

If you know anything about alcoholism, you've already heard of AA. And Al-anon. Alanon helps to teach people not be be enablers. We need something like that for children of stubborn selfish elderly parents.

If you all didn't fix mom's house up, clean mom's house and get guilt-ed into keeping her yard up, eventually she would realize she had to move.

When she calls huffing and puffing and crying (crying, great weapon) just tell her: we love you mom but it's time to look at nice senior's apartments. Etc. etc.

Life is all about change. It's okay to fight change as long as it doesn't come at too high of a price on other people.

I know from my own past situation, you cannot love someone who holds you hostage and expects your life to be handed over. The resentment outweighs the love.

Stay strong and get mom into a situation where you can respect and love her again.

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