Yes I'm angry!

by Jane
(AKRON, OHIO)

My siblings are going about their own lives happily while I have the responsibility for our mother. They say things like I know you are doing a great job, or, gee, I wish I lived closer so I could help, or bless you...I am SO SICK OF THESE PATS ON THE BACK I COULD SCREAM!


I do not want this job. I want my life back. I am 67. They are younger than me, but of course, they still work or live away, I am trying to hold a part time job, see my daughter and grandchildren, and I would like to feel free to take a trip or make a plan without having to always think about my mother.

On top of this, they regularly call me with happy stories of their doings, their good fortune, their holiday plans etc etc. What am I doing? Helping mom get to the toilet. Buying groceries for mom. Visiting mom so she doesn't go days or weeks without seeing anyone. Taking mom to the doctor. Cleaning up bowel accidents.

I don't want to be nice about it anymore. I have spent a lifetime looking after my parents financially and now physically. It won't be long before I hit 70. My best years are here, but I am so trapped.

Sure, they blow in and blow out...give her a visit? Sure. An hour later, they are gone, back to their carefree lives. There is no solution short of me moving a million miles away...but my mother loads on the guilt by telling me how much she counts on me, how grateful she is...I feel like saying STOP! LET ME GO!

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WOW I can relate
by: Anonymous

I am always the one responsible since forever. I cared for my Dad and Mom forever. Now it is just my mom, but she is difficult.

She never asks me to do something with a please or a thank you. I just get bossed around. Yet my siblings are treated so special when they make their infrequent visits.

She can be yelling at me with venomous anger and then the phone rings with one of my siblings and the tone changes to totally sweet. She tells them all is well and she is doing this, that or the other. Actually I am doing it all. I am 67.

I retired at age 55 and want to leave the cold of the north to move to Florida, but I am here for my mom's care. I love my mom, but I am exhausted. I was so tired one night I went right through a stop light and nearly got wiped out by a huge truck.

My blood pressure is way up and I am tired. All I want is two years of total freedom from caring for a senior. I want to walk the beach and enjoy my retirement. My brother keeps sending flowers which upset my allergies and give me a migraine. I suggested assisted living for mom.

My siblings said I shouldn't do that because it would kill her. My one brother will come to cover sometimes when I go out of town to see my grand kids, but I get a message that they have already left on the day of my return, so I don't even get a day to relax, unpack, do wash, and stay in my home after a trip.

I started lying about my return date so I can get at least one day to adjust to being home. I wish I had a life. I wish my mom were safe in assisted living, but she is refusing to leave her home. I am running two homes. Then there is the guilt of being a terrible daughter for thinking and resenting my mother's care. I am TIRED.

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Youngest child
by: Anonymous

I know exactly what you mean. Older brother never was told to do anything when he was living with parents and now does very little, but while I am laboring to try and manage, I get to hear about this event or that event, the nice trip, 'oh I can't come and help, I'm going to the beach.'

Will not answer phone any time he wants to do the many fun things rather than help out with parents. Lives in his own little happy place and everything just rolls off.

ANYONE would feel resentful in this situation and to have family tell me that I need to let it go --- how? It is seriously affecting my health and everyone may outlive me. All of the work really is killing me.

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I could have written this post myself
by: Imso Tired

I have four siblings. I heard all these same remarks, when what I really wanted was someone else to take it on.

My mom passed last winter after 8 years of loving care. She never had to eat a meal alone. She had companionship, food, and most of all, loving attention paid to her every day.

It was totally exhausting, and I'm not sorry now, now that she's gone, that I spent all that time and effort. That was 8 years of my life I 'returned' to the Karmic debt department. I almost never have to look back and feel any regret for my own actions.

It's funny but the only regret I do have is that there were times I was so tired, so disgusted, so angry with my sibs, that I didn't give her 100% like I should have.

And truth, now that she's gone, I don't care about the time I spent doing the necessary things, like you listed. I care about the happy memories, the love I felt from her, even when she was dying.

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Totally Understand!!!!
by: Joan

Oh my! I am with you! I love my mother dearly, she can't help it if she had a stroke, but being responsible for her 24/7 has taken it's toll.

I think what's really hard is the loneliness felt every day because no one comes around to visit, I cannot go out more than a few hours, and it's the same monotony.

Just like you, I have a very capable sibling who could help, but any requests fall on deaf ears.

And, just like you, I'm "thanked" by my sibling for "such a great job I'm doing taking care of mom" as if I applied for it! I'm 62, no spring chicken either, I need to work still, ready to file divorce, and have my own personal problems to deal with without any help from anyone.

I know and many people on this board know what you're going through. I sometimes think of ways to plot out revenge on my sibling, but know that's an unhealthy and immature thought, although a good coping mechanism.

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Finding other helpers
by: Anonymous

Hi. Can't you find visiting homecare providers for your Mom and take the days off you need? Sounds like your siblings can afford to help you in that way.

The idea that ONLY YOU are the one your mother needs, YOU are her savior, etc, etc: all this is incredibly damaging for YOU. You have a right to your life. Give jobs to your siblings to find the perfect homecare helpers: even a few days a week, so you can enjoy the life you have left.

Next time they pat you on the back or say things that sound like guilt, without malice, sarcasm or a hint of anger: simply state something like: Well you really could help your mother.

How much can you pitch in for home care helpers?
I can't do it all anymore. Mom needs someone at least 3 times a week. If we all work together, I am sure it will work out.

Don't ask a yes or no questions. Don't let them think you are weak in your resolution to find helpers. Don't be a dormat anymore! You deserve a life.

best,
J

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