Yes a Bit Resentful

by Shay

Well hello there to anyone reading this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR FEELINGS!!!! A bit about me...I am 59 years old and have been married to my husband (not my first) for a mere 4 years. We were a month into our marriage when my, now 88 year old Mom, came and lived with us (bless my husband).

She has Parkinson's and associated Alzheimer's and Dementia. We have a caregiver come in the weekday afternoons and while I love the caregiver (and so does my Mom), my Mom is more concerned about the caregiver then she is with me.

I feel she is often jealous of me (on the rare occasion my husband and I do get a sitter and go out, my Mom always tells my husband how handsome he looks, but nope, nothing said to me - lol kind of).

I feel that I am the one that has given up the most (valuable one-on-one time with my husband and being able to accompany him on business trips) and my Mom is the least nicest to me. I have a brother (who lives 200 miles away) and he gets to go on trips and dinners and just a spur of the moment movie, but I have to make arrangements all of the time for my Mom to even go to a simple dinner with my husband.

So, yes, I am a bit resentful. Hard to sacrifice for someone that doesn't seem to appreciate it (yes, I know her mind is not as it is, but honestly, she has pretty much always been a princess at heart).

My brother's life has not been altered at all by our elderly Mom, but yet mine has been immensely. He doesn't call, visit, offer to take care from time to time, etc.

My own personal thoughts are that I do not want to place her in a home (eventually the finances could run out). I am tired of loosing valuable time with my husband, especially as we are entering our own twilight years.

Honestly, I most often times, wish my Mom's journey was soon to be done. I know it sounds mean and I am truly not a mean person, just being brutally honest.

I say that being a caregiver is "an overwhelming blessing" more often lately I would say simply "overwhelming".

This message board has proofed valuable just reading that others feel the same way and I can stop beating myself up for feeling the way that I do.

It's a challenge in every aspect at times.

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Hi, Shay!
by: Anonymous

Oh my goodness. I know exactly how you feel! It’s uncanny how much I can relate to this.

I'm a 26 year old woman and I deal with 2 childish women who NEED to have the attention on them at all times. With help from my 65 year old father and my boyfriend of 4 years who is 32 years old. My boyfriend and I have been caregivers our whole relationship.

1st year was with my mom and his grandma from his fathers side who has now passed, God rest her soul. The other 3 have been with my mom and his grandma from his mothers side.

My mother is 66 years old with Alzheimer's.

My boyfriends grandmother is 80 (83?) years old with no health problems besides her walker, being extremely over weight and being fall prone (falls almost everyday).

They need to have attention on them ALL the time. It needs to be about them, always. If it's not, they throw temper tantrums.

Luckily, my mother lives with my father currently, my boyfriend and I just bought a house near my parents, so he will be moving with his grandmother out of her house and into ours.

I can't even begin to fathom if these 2 women were around each other. It would be a blood bath, a fight to the death, of who gets everyone's attention. (They both seem to prefer my boyfriends the most.)

Naturally...we get no help from extended family on either side. My boyfriend has a brother and sister-in-law who are only interested in their inheritance that they will get after she passes and want nothing to do with her.

His mother is m.i.a after financially ruining his grandmother. His siblings only live 5 minutes away from their grandmother, and they see her about 3-4 times a year! Isn't that crazy?

The sister-in-law can't stand my boyfriends grandmother, which I can understand, she often says how she can't imagine my boyfriend and I to having a healthy relationship and making it out of this battle together without any help, but then she doesn't bother to help us! Just says stuff like, "I'm sorry, I just can't come over and help.

It's too draining and makes my anxiety go up, I get really depressed around her." and so on. Then later that week she'll post pictures on Facebook from their vacation their currently on!

His brother just prefers not to be around her as he's "really busy" - his brother actually had the audacity to tell us that we're lucky that we get to take care of her, because she pays a couple bills.

He said, "No one helps me with my bills. You guys are lucky. You've got it pretty nice." I mean, really? Pretty nice, huh? Then by all means take her in and she can help you with a couple bills!

I hear you when it comes to dates. Every time we want to go on a date, they (mother and grandmother) want to come with...always. They don't want to be watched, they want to come with. If you try to tell them about having alone time, that's when the temper tantrums begin or guilt trips. Both of them say stuff like...

"Well, I'll just be alone and entertain myself since you guys are going to go out and have fun."

or my personal favorite

"I really wanted to see that movie, too, but that's ok, you guys have fun without me."

When BOTH of them hate horror and action movies.

My mother DEFINITELY has a crush on my boyfriend. She always says stuff to him like, "You're so funny and cute, why are you with her? Hehehehe" IN FRONT of me, lol. Plus the compliments come flying out, suggesting that he's out of my league, but what really confirmed it (and mortified me) was when I was texting him and she had asked me out of the blue, if he was playing with himself.

It was off the wall. I couldn't comprehend what she had just asked me. It's only happened once, never again, thank God.

The part where you said she compliments your husband, but not you, made me laugh, because I know that feeling all too well. My mother doesn't even try to hide it.

His grandmother gets jealous, I assume, because when he was a child he loved her to pieces, she was his world. Now that he's older, has a girlfriend, not so much and that doesn't sit well with her.

On occasions she'll disrespect me, like pooping in the shower so I have to clean it up. You might think that's a stretch, but she hasn't done it to anyone else, ever. I've also noticed it seems to happen more frequently if she's really pissed (like after date night hahaha).

Shay, you sound wonderful. I love how you can see positivity in such frustrating times. You are not alone in this journey. I have noticed there have been quite a few folks on here who have wished for their loved ones passing (including myself).

Not because they don't love them, but because their loved ones quality of life is non existent and on top of that - it is also bringing down their own quality of life.

It's hard to put your life on hold and have it revolve around someone who has already lived their life, did what they wanted to do, doesn't appreciate what you do (in most cases) and spends their days just sitting around the house being waited on.

You've got to stay strong! What helps me when I'm having a bad day is writing down the things I'm grateful for. I know it sounds minuscule, but it really does help. Caregiving is not forever (just feels like it lol.)

Remember to take time for you and your husband. Go on dates, cherish each other and create special memories.

You might contact local assisted living homes and see if the CNAS babysit/watch in their spare time for a fee or contact insurance about getting some help at home. That way you guys get out more often and have alone time.

Best of luck, Shay!
You're doing your best and that's what matters. No matter what happens, remember that.

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