Worn out in Wyoming

I am 72 caring for a 78 year old husband, who has had stroke, brain tumor and more health concerns the last 6 years, but he is battling to regain as much strength as he can.

We have lived about 250 miles from my Mom & Dad for the last 12 years. Any time they have asked for help these last many years, I have gone to help whenever they asked.

Usually, when whatever the situation was, had been taken care of my Dad would throw a fit and tell me leave. And I would come home until the next time they needed help. My Mom passed in January and now my Dad is lonely, but still very controlling and demanding. I brought him home with us and he stayed awhile,

Took him back to his home when he wanted. Stayed with him a short time to do everything he needed and then he wanted us to leave, but I know it will be a constant replay. He has the money to hire someone to come in and help, but doesn't want that. He is very spoiled and use to having his way.

None of the rest of the family can deal with him on a full time basis either. He is losing his memory on how to phone etc., I know that part of his problem is aging.

He has never been abusive to anyone but his family,(all his life) everyone else thinks he is a sweet little old man (95). If he can still remember who he can be mean to, can it be mental or is it just mean and manipulative?

I am just worn out and looking for any advise, I know I can't continue this. My brother lives in the same town as my Dad and is taking care of the finances, but can't handle Dad either.

Where does duty end and survival begin?
Where does duty end and survival begin?

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Goodbye To Guilt
by: Jayne

Dear Worn Out in Wyoming, I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. At 72 this should be YOUR time to relax and do what you want to do and enjoy a quality of life that you certainly seem to have earned. Where does duty end? Right here right now, that's where.

You state he has the means to pay for assistance, but doesn't want this, possibly because he feels some measure of control and enjoyment grinding you down?

A brother who cannot handle him and it sounds like he keeps his distance (ie can take care of himself appropriately). Who is looking after you here?? Who is thinking about what you want? Sort him some assistance now and reclaim your life.

This is about you being able to take care of your own personal boundaries; get some help with that if this is a problem for you. You have one life on this planet and then it is over forever.

You could trust to landing a place in heaven for your sacrifice but that's not a gamble I would be willing to take for an individual like your father (or any elderly parent for that matter) Be brave, you're not alone and please take care; it doesn't have to be like this.

No advice
by: Anonymous

I am sorry I do not have any advice.

I just want to let you know I understand how you may feel. They say these are the Golden Years...but my mother always called them the Rust Years!

Growing old is not for the faint of heart, and you think living in America things would be easier than they are, but the system is not designed to profit from aging, unless you are extremely sick and have great insurance.

Our only hope is that by being caregivers we are earning our spot in heaven and there will be our just rewards!

Hang in there, our father and mother in heaven will see us through to the end!

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