Why me?

by Helen
(Kingsville)

Am so glad that I stumbled onto this site....where shall I begin?? There are three siblings; an adult male unmarried 60 years old who lives in town; the other male is married and lives 4 hours away.....I have a full time job, three kids and a husband and mom stays with us!


My brothers will NEVER understand what I go through and they just "expect" me to take care of our mother. I do not receive any phone calls, no money, no visits....I send them emails about her daily progress and their attitude drives me insane...its' not fair to my husband and to our kids...they have all grown to resent her...mom has dementia.....she is driving me crazy...I do not get one minute to myself...maybe the toilet and that's about it....I have EXTREME ANXIETY and on high blood pressure pills...."take time for yourself" everyone tells me...."oh sure...:"

My life has changed, and I have made a change to accommodate her...my brothers have not changed their lifestyles....at all....I have been pleading with them for years, even when mom was better to make a plan for her long term care but they didn't care and I still ask them....as far as I can see, she will need to go to nursing home within a year or two because I cannot help her....WHO WILL PAY? SHE HAS NO RETIREMENT, MERELY 500.00 PER MONTH, certainly not enough money....the problem is that she has a house that my older brother lives in (he pays taxes and repairs).....so, she will need to sell it ....

I know that I am not alone and there are plenty of other people, especially married women with families and full time job who are expected to take care of mom.....IT'S NOT FAIR...MY BROTHERS GO AWAY FOR WEEKENDS AND HAVE FUN....I AM HOME TAKING CARE OF MY KIDS AND MOM...MY HUSBAND WORKS WEEKENDS....!!!!

WHAT CAN I DO? WHO CAN I TURN TO?? CAN'T WE HAVE TELEVISION SPECIALS ABOUT THIS IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH TO THESE MEN???????

Don't get me wrong, my brothers are great guys, but stupid and ignorant when it comes to this...even when I BEG THEM FOR HELP...My husband is not a happy person because he believes that my brothers are taking us for granted and this is not right....MY HUSBAND IS VERY PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING AND IS CORRECT.....

WELL, it's mom's bath time....signing off....

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Take Action Now!
by: Anonymous

Seek some legal advice regarding Mum's finance and property. Do it now, and tell your fabulous brothers you are doing so.

Once the finances are taken care of, look into respite or full time care.
If you continue as you are you will live a life of resentment and disappointment with only heaven to look forward to...............

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Hi, I'll be back, but a quick comment
by: Sanya

I'll be back to read your full story

But a quick comment!!!

Be glad they don't visit, trust me!!!

Its better than visiting, telling you all sorts of things, like what you should do and what you should not!!!!!
They won't do, but they would blab!!!!It's highly irritating, and you might as well be needed to sit for them when they visit, when you actually could have had some good peaceful sleep!!

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No Victims, Only Volunteers
by: Anonymous

Why You? Because your brothers are not "great guys", your brothers are bums. Why you? Because you are the great person. Listen to your husband. They are totally taking advantage of you.

Can you get a reverse mortgage for your mom's house so you can get some financial help? Is your mom competent enough to declare you Durable Power of Attorney? Who is the lazy bum living in mom's house who pays the taxes and repairs? Sell that house and use the money to put mom in a good place for dementia patients.

I don't know if any of these suggestions can work for you, and I don't know if you can ever get your selfish brothers to care enough to help you, but at least start seeing the forest through the trees. You're doing it all and they aren't doing anything and they don't even deserve the time of day from you.

I'm sorry you're in such a hard place and I hope you can find a better way soon. But as long as you keep giving so much, everyone around you is just going to keep taking.

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GRRR.....
by: Anonymous

I hear you, Helen. I'm saying prayers for you.
I live with my Dad (Alzheimer's). He has a wonderful caregiver while I work full-time but evenings and weekends are all ME. I have 5 siblings (4 live within an hour's drive or less).

Sure, they're raising children (ages 8-20)and need to tend to their jobs, homes, etc. And they ignore Dad (occasional phone call) and can't even think to spend an hour or two with him to give me a break.

It's easier for them to harbor resentment for me to avoid Dad. Meaning they tend to get angry with me for whatever reason to justify not visiting with Dad. I feel like a freaking doormat. I ask politely for a little break and you'd think I was asking them to rebuild Rome.

After reading sooooo much about care giving, it would be against the norm to have a helpful family. It's usually up to one person. The stories are common. And, yes, I agree that there should be more press/media coverage on this care giving epidemic that is taking over the aging population.

BIG SIGH!!! At least we won't feel guilty and hopefully will be rewarded at some point - heaven!! :)

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Your Husband is Right.
by: Anonymous

Only you can change this. Often when we do things out of guilt, we can't see the big picture because we are so close to all of it. It sounds as though your mom should be in a nursing home now, while you still have your sanity and so you can finish raising your own children without them being further neglected due to mom's heavy care.

You say she is demented, what if she gets up one night and sets the house on fire because she turned on the stove? Right now, the guilt is so heavy on you to be the good daughter that you are afraid to get tough and stand up for yourself and your children, not to mention husband. You will end up resenting your mom and brothers if you don't do something now.

The brother that lives in your mom's house either should move so you can sell it to put mom in care or he should pay rent, enough to pay the bills for mom's care. No one gets a free ride in life and he is being incredibly selfish and using you and your mom. It has to stop.

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