Why is it Always Me She Turns on and Never Siblings?

My mom is now 83. I am 60. For the past 15 years I have been her main caregiver because I live closest. My husband works 6 days a week and on his only day off we visit my mom so that he can help with the odd jobs that need doing for her.


I have 3 brothers who only see mom occasionally due to distance, etc. I also have 2 sisters who would visit when it suited them, happy to let me do all the work and keep them informed. For the past few years my mom has been in and out of hospital with various problems. I have dealt with all the trauma attached to this - certain medications affect her mind and make her prone to confusion.

I have frequently been subjected to her verbal attacks both when she is in hospital and when she is perfectly well - it's my fault she's in hospital, I'm not visiting enough, I'm speaking to the nurses and telling them lies about her, etc., etc. In the latest outburst, I have been accused of hiding her mail and her bank statements and numerous other things that I would never do.

I fully understand when it's the medication talking, but this is not always the case. What I can't understand is why she never talks to any of my sisters in this way - why is it always me? If I mention it to them, they tell me mom is always fine with them and imply that it must be me! I now have health issues of my own and am too tired to deal with it all. I have stopped answering my mom's calls and am not visiting at the moment.

Strangely, I don't feel guilty about this as I feel I have always done my share. Now I am starting to feel guilty about not feeling guilty. Is this crazy ??

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So many roles
by: Anonymous

I have so many roles in my dysfunctional family that I forget how many, but scape goat is clearly there.

I am the 'problem child' and I feel that since I am now doing 80 percent of all the care giving that they somehow think that 'evens out' all the 'trouble' I caused. After all, they would have had a 'perfect family' if not for my rebellion and honest behavior.

I get all the criticism - my sibling does not because I think they thought that it would be the end of the relationship if they criticized even a little bit.

I have to threaten to leave forever to even get a little bit of help from others in the family. My parent will say they don't want 'to bother' any of the other kids. But it's ok to bother me.

I believe in karma and I think that all of us who are going the extra mile when it is maddening, will some day be rewarded and that is keeps me going.

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Scapegoating
by: Anonymous

Wow...I can really sympathize. I have been in the same predicament that you are in. You are the scapegoat of the family. Somewhere...in your past, your mother chose you to be the scapegoat.

She blames you for everything and your siblings fall in line and do the same.

I am going to counseling and feel much better now. Possibly, that would help you as well.

Good luck to you. My prayers are with you.

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Stuck with Mom
by: Anonymous

I totally understand your predicament as I have a very similar one.

It is so hard to give constantly and then have your mother speak horrible things about .

I am not calling her or seeing her for the same reasons. She lives in a community with other elders and dinner is provided along with many other amenities. Therefore, I don't feel so guilty.

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Let Your Sisters Take the Next 15 years
by: Anonymous

You've done more than your share. Since your mom is just fine when she's with your sisters, and you must be the problem, according to them. Let them step up to the plate and do the right thing for the next 15 years.

You deserve a break; you've earned it, my dear. Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. Your sisters never have.

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