Who am I?

I've always considered myself a compassionate and caring person, that is until my mom moved in with us. I find myself filled with anger and resentment and dare I say hatred of this situation. I'm even beginning to feel hatred for her too.

I am shocked at my feelings. How can I feel this way? I would never have believed I could in a million years, but I have never had to be a caretaker before either. My heart goes out to all of you who have been forced into this situation.

My mother made a lot of poor choices that resulted in limited funds and the inability to live on her own.
So here I am the "chosen" one out of 4 children, having to deal with this.

I don't want to feel this way, I really don't but I can't seem to help myself.

I don't recognize I have become.

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by: Anonymous

I wrote you yesterday about trying to reach for compassion. After my morning so far and it's only 6:30 I signed on to read my own message hoping it would help me today! Then I thought this would be a good example of how fluid and ever changing emotions are when you are a caregiver.

My mom was up at 1:30 AM (her sleep is becoming more irregular) so I'm running on 3 hours of sleep now. I was so angry when I got her coffee that the cup broke when I SLAMMED it on the counter. That is pure rage there and I felt it to my toes.

I am trying to tell myself that sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and that's ok, so why shouldn't it be ok for her? It should be and I know that. Once again it's the situation and the "intrusion" into my normal I hate. You will as well.

Today is a dark snowy day here. Normally I would love to stay in my pj's and curl up on the couch with my dog and snooze on and off watching TV. I can't do that because it wouldn't be normal and anything not normal raises a thousand questions. Are you sick? What's wrong? Just not worth it.

I feel very sorry for you. I never dreamed how horrible and miserable life would become until I did this. Now that I have, I don't know that I can get out of it so if there's any way the county will pick up the tab for your mom to go somewhere, do it. Or another sibling. Or share this responsibility.

Don't become me if you can help it. Really.

It's OK
by: Anonymous

I live in the same house as you, just a different mom and a different city. First, don't hate yourself for your thoughts because it is completely normal. It isn't your mom you hate, it isn't my mom I hate, it's the situation and the intrusion into our lives that are now no longer normal.

I try to tell myself that as often as I can when my patience is running out and I'm just so tired of having someone around all of the time. I try to put myself in her shoes. Though I've never raised my voice or made her feel unwelcome, I can tell by things she does that she has a fear of making me mad about anything.

She creeps around here like a ghost, staying in her room for long periods of time (to not bother me, I'm sure) and it's when she does those things that my heart hurts for her. I may have lost my independence, but so has she.

I have the comfort of being in MY home while she feels like a continual guest. I try very hard to understand what she is feeling and then of course I feel like crap for the dark thoughts that go through my mind.

There are days when I could scream, days I long to just be alone again, days I wish I could go somewhere, but she can't be left alone. Life has changed. I have to admit every morning when she gets up a little late I often feel hopeful that she won't. That's the blunt truth of it all.

I don't know if your mom has dementia or Alzheimer's. If you are dealing with that there is a good book called The 36 Hour Day that explains a lot and the reasons why they do what they do. It explains that what they do isn't intentional, though we may take it that way.

Wish I could offer you some encouragement or great advice, but all I can say is reach for compassion when you can and put yourself in her shoes. It does help.

Good Luck

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