Whiney Mother in Law

by Denice
(Kansas)

My husband gives his 65 yr old mother baths and changes her urine pads....I am not comfortable being around him or her anymore...it disgusts me....also I watch her manipulate him....she can walk around the house sometimes without her walker but the minute he walks in the door she can no longer do anything for herself,and then she will cry that her hands or knees or feet or back, etc., etc., hurt her....

I did not want her to come here...and when me and my husband argue it's a tag team against me....I have recently took off my wedding ring and put it away...I do not know if it will ever go back on...

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Same Situation
by: Anonymous

I have searched so long to find someone going through what I am. In addition to what you are describing I am treated like a third wheel when the three of us are together.

We were recently in a car accident where my husband was driving and he has yet to leave her side. I was sent to a different hospital and had to arrange my own transportation home. I have had to be my own care taker but he expects me to get out of bed to cook, clean and cater to her.

I get my own ice packs etc.... He has yelled at me when I asked him to spend a little time with me and screams st me for being selfish and other choice words starting with B and C. I am done with this behavior and am not sticking around to see how he will treat me when he loses her.

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Whiney Mother-in-Law
by: Eliabeth

Hi there - I too would be uncomfortable with him bathing his own mother. I care for both my elderly parents but, I get carers in to carry out my mums personal care - twice a day for an hour.

I do not even feel comfortable and couldn't even stomach washing and/or toileting my own mother - as for my father that would be unthinkable (he actually can manage himself thus far) - which I guess would be equivalent of your situation. But, that's not to say there is anything weird about your husband - everyone's got different levels of embarrassment and lines they won't or can't cross and maybe he does it as he feels he has to - either by his mums manipulation - or a sense of duty.

One of my mums carers is a man for example - a widower in his forties I guess and mum who is 88 and past caring, is very comfortable with this apparently. But I do know what you mean.

You need to talk honestly to your husband and tell him how you feel if you can. Whoever said that...don't make it sound like his mum is a monster or he is weird in some way is absolutely right - he may feel between a rock and a hard place.

But tell him you could get help with mums personal care at least - for the sake of both their dignities really - which is what I always say if anyone 'questions' why that is the one thing I wont do for my parents. Good luck.

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Your Husband is a Rare One
by: Anonymous

It's very unusual for a son to take care of his mother in the way you describe. Generally these very uncomfortable chores are put off on the female members of the family or the daughters in law.

Is he an only child? Give the guy a break or try to find some other residential care for her or perhaps in home health aides if possible financially so that he doesn't have to bathe her. Nurse's aides cost about $20 an hour and will come into the home for a minimum of 2 hours a day.

If she/your husband can afford it a few times a week, it would go a long way to restore balance. Sounds like he's got two women who boss him around.

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I Really Feel for You!
by: Anonymous

This sounds like a really uncomfortable situation for you. I wonder if it is the physical intimacy between your husband and his mother, or her manipulation of him that you find hardest?

Either way, this is affecting your marriage and simply taking off your rings won't resolve the situation.

Changing your husband is simply not an option, he is who he is.....so what do you want? If you just want to be heard, then try telling him how you feel without saying that you think his mum is a monster.

If you can't cope with this situation, are you ready to leave? Are there things that make staying in your situation preferable to just walking away? If so, write them down, often just focusing on what we stand to lose or gain can help to show the way forward.

Either way, life is short, don't waste it feeling bitter or put upon. You too have a right to happiness!

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