When will it end?

I need to vent. To voice my feelings and be understood. I am caring for a home bound, wheelchair bound parent. I have been doing this for several years. I am so tired and I hate my life as it is.


I just want my life back and to be able to give my time wholly to my family. I have young children still at home. I always had a good relationship with my mom but I can hardly stand the site of her. I hate feeling this way.

I am a Christian and I have prayed and prayed for the Lord to take this anger, resentment away and to replace it with the love I use to have toward her. I feel it's probably more the situation that I hate, but it seems to have transferred to her.

I feel like I am so dishonoring to her. As a Christian we are commanded to honor our father and mother and here I stand with no honor at all. Full of hate and anger.

I can't talk to anyone about it because it is too awful to admit I feel this way. I feel like a terrible person. Does anyone feel this way? Am I crazy? And please, if someone thinks this is awful please just move on and don't comment because I honestly can't handle hearing that. I just want to know I'm not alone.

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Feel exactly the same as you
by: Anonymous

"When will it end?" This is exactly what I think every morning as soon as I wake and every day going home from work and every time I have to do something for my elderly wheelchair bound mother.

You have my total sympathy - my relationship with my mother which had been quite good has been totally destroyed by the demands she makes.

It's worse when an elderly parent is wheelchair bound because they are genuinely so dependent - it's like having a baby but one who get cross and angry about their own loss of independence.

If your mother has money of her own use this to pay for people to help. My brother and sister would like me to do everything for my mother to preserve my mother's money to leave to them when she dies. But I've decided I'd rather have some independence now and blow the inheritance. They do nothing why should they get anything?

Get in carers and a cleaner if you can. Try to make your interactions with your mother pleasant ones.

I know how hard it is just taking someone out who's in a wheelchair - I've lost count of the times I've done my back in by lifting her wheelchair into my car. You have my sympathy and are in my thoughts.

Also, make sure your mother appreciates what you do and tells you that she does - this does make a difference I find.

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Why feel guilty about the inevitable?
by: Anonymous

Having a sense of religious guilt about wishing for someone, especially a loved one, to be out of their misery, and out of your hands is not going to help you.

Rather, you should realize that most people who are overly cared for too much, or who are propped up artificially by medical science, are just living far too long beyond their normal and ideal life spans.

While medical science has vastly improved in just two generations, it has also caused a "mixed blessing" effect by its advances in saving anyone and everyone from the inevitable, especially those in their 80s and 90s.

This has caused more problems than have been fixed at times. Religion and the God one believes in have nothing whatsoever to do with this.

Yet, since Mankind keeps trying to play God with itself and keeps trying to thwart Mother Nature, this unnatural extension of human life is a new-age problem that must be examined somehow, because it is taking a toll not just on individuals who are caretakers, but on society as well.

I mean, 7 billion people on this earth are far far too many. When will this end?

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Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions. I do have one sibling and he refuses to help, period. In September I did hire and aide to come out to put her to bed weekday nights so I can get my own kids down.

And an aid comes for an hour on weekday afternoons to check in and take her to the bathroom. I do mornings, all weekends, and anytime in the day she needs if it's not within that hour time slot of the aide.

I do her laundry, which is daily due to incontinence and her meals. I always sit with her during the dinner hour as she hates to eat alone. She was not happy about the aide. Still complains but I told her I needed the help.

That I just couldn't do it all. She doesn't live with me but might as well, as she is only yards away from our house. She watches everything I do.

It has come to the point I don't turn lights on so she thinks I'm not home. Otherwise she calls me to come back for the littlest things like turning off her TV or picking up her glasses. Her arms work fine BTW. She also loves to have me take her to the bathroom right as the aide is due to come.

She has become quite manipulative. I keep telling myself I'm going to regret feeling this way when she dies, but honestly I don't think I will. I will just be so relieved to have my freedom back. I pray she can't tell how I feel.

She is only 74 and I feel sickened that this may be my life for the next 20 years. I've already been doing it for 13. My children will be grown and gone by then.

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I have been in your shoes
by: Judy

Hi. I just had to comment on your post. I took care of my mother-in-law for the last 5 years of her life. At first, it was okay, but then she moved in with my husband and me and it became a nightmare.

I felt anger, hatred, resentment and bitterness.

I felt like a slave and that fed all of my negative feelings. My marriage suffered and the good relationship that I had previously had with my MIL disappeared as if it never existed.

She has been gone for almost 3 years and I am still asking God to forgive me for the way I handled the situation.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. No one knows how hard it is until they have to do it.

Take care and good luck. I will keep you in my prayers.

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No judgement
by: Anonymous

No, you are not alone, and you are not a bad person for feeling as you do! Many on here can understand exactly how you are feeling about the situation and your Mom.

Is your Mom living with you? Do you have siblings that are willing to help? Can your Mom afford to have an agency come in a couple of days a week to give you a break? Or Adult day care? There are many options out there.

If you have siblings, then they should be taking a turn. It is not fair that only one kid does it all. You could start by speaking to her doctor about options. You can call your state agency on aging.

I had the sibling issue. My adult disabled son is still at home, so between him and going to Mom's and doing everything for her as well, I was losing it. I have two siblings who were not helping much at all.

I had to draw the line and step back. They still weren't helping as they should have been, so I stepped back completely. This was after a battle trying to get my siblings and Mom to see the necessity of moving to a facility (she is mid way into vascular dementia). My brother shut me out, so I quit altogether. Mom won't see me, but, it is what it is.

This hard and exhausting. But just being able to get your feelings out without judgement is so very good for your psyche. I have BTDT. Good luck to you.

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You're not Alone!
by: Anonymous

Believe me, you aren't alone in this kind of situation. There are MANY of us. There isn't some kind of list somewhere, though, proving it but if you keep relying on this web site for insight and support, you will soon realize how many of us that there are.

I empathize deeply with the feelings you've expressed. I was in the same spot for over 16 months after my mom (94) moved in with me. My children are grown with lives of their own now and I had been widowed a year prior to Mom moving in with me after she'd fallen and broke her shoulder.

I agreed to let her stay here "while recovering", but she never left. After 6 months I was ready to pull my hair out. I'd wake up in the morning and couldn't wait to go back to bed at night because I'd become so worn out, frustrated and depressed.

Losing my privacy drove me nuts and I was so consumed with these feelings that I actually knew why some people will push someone else off a cliff. It's not that I hated my mother.

To the contrary, she's a really neat old woman. The bottom line, tho, was that I'd lost the freedom to live and do as I wanted. It was like having an infant move in.

I finally went for counseling, mainly to finish up grief work I'd put on the back burner. My siblings and I also hired a helper to come to my house 3 times a week so I could get away, even if it was just for a few hours.

My mother hated having this helper come in, but we told her "too bad, maybe YOU don't think you need her but WE need her." This helper was very kind, took care of our mother very well, and lucky for us she had a counseling background.

It was she who really helped me realize my mother wasn't the blame for my angst, but rather life itself and - here's the big one - we are not in control of life; we just have to suck it up and do our best. Learning how to do that was the biggest challenge ...

What helped ME was learning how to practice mindfulness and practice "gratitude". The latter, in particular, is tough to do when you feel like crap all the time. There are books and videos on these practices but I'll give you a quick way to start.

I don't care WHAT went on during the day, at night when you are going to sleep, think of 3 nice things that happened during your day. Roll them around in your mind and think about why they occurred.

Let yourself smile and feel pleasure about those incidents. Then go to sleep. That's all. Simple! It may be hard to do it at first because you're so stuck in pessimism, but if you force yourself to try, it gets easier and easier.

I do this every night and it changes my thought reactions and when I changed my thoughts, it began soothing my feelings magically. I still do it every night and often feel myself smiling as I'm drifting off to sleep. It's my "pacifier".

I think we get so overwhelmed that we literally block positive notions from entering our mind and balancing it. Practicing gratitude seems to break through the darkness that caregiver's so often get stuck in.

Pretty soon you start thinking of things with more and more acceptance and with less bitterness. It's not a perfect cure for the position you're in as a caregiver, but it can certainly provide some sorely needed relief.

As my mind started feeling lighter, I also became more aware of my mother's feelings at this stage of her life. She is so helpless and feels so useless that she's often saying how she wishes she could just "close my eyes and fly away with the birds forevers."

How can a person NOT feel compassion for another who wishes to be dead because they feel like nothing more than an old worn out shoe?

Opening up my compassion somehow helped me to stop being resentful of having my mother here too. Sure, I still yearn for my privacy and the freedom to do as I please, but I will have those things again some day. For now, all I can do is help my mother get thru her days until she has no more days left.

None of this changes our situation, but it had a profound effect on something INSIDE OF MYSELF which makes it much more easy to deal with whatever is on the OUTSIDE of me.

Hang in there. Pat yourself on the back every time you look in the mirror because what you are doing for your parent is a difficult task! And while you're looking in the mirror, tell yourself "I love you."

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you are not alone
by: Anonymous

I have my 91 year old mother living with me for the last 10 years and I feel like it's never going to end for me. You are not alone with your feelings.

Many of us feel the same way but are too ashamed to admit it. Well, I'm not ashamed. I can't wait for my mother to die, she has taken 10 good years away from me and continues to suck the life out of me.

Don't feel bad honey and don't beat yourself up for the way you are feeling. But I'd like to suggest you get some outside help. You need time for yourself and your family. Good luck and God Bless.

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