What is Love anyway?
(Santa Rosa, CA USA)
Sometimes I wonder if I actually love my mom since caring for her feels so overwhelming and exhausting. Of course I love my mom and yet I feel shut off from feeling love sometimes.
My days of trying to live my own life while caring for my mom's needs makes me feel exhausted and anxious! I have my own business which is flourishing right now, I have a sweet husband who gets dumped while I jump at something my mom needs, I have friends....oh, I think I have friends....I don't really see my friends anymore, I have no time. There is not enough time, not enough time, not enough time!
Oh, I breathe, think of being in the moment and use all the other 'tools' for mental health I've learned over the years BUT even if I have one day of not doing something for mom it is not enough time to actually come down off of 'red alert'. I feel as if I am always on 'orange alert' ready for 'red alert' at any time.
In addition to these feelings, my brother and I (the two doing most of the care giving of 5 siblings!) just moved mom to a very nice house with 3 housemates. Mom has her own room and has actually adapted quickly to her new 'chapter in her life' but the cost!! OMG, the cost.
Mom needs someone there throughout the night so that just added 3,000.00 dollars to her rent! Now it costs 7650.00 A MONTH for mom to live there!
What is the freakin' answer people? In no time mom will be out of money (even after we sell her home-if we can sell her home).
To all of you who have moved your parent or parents into your own home, Wow! You must have hearts as big as the largest flower! I know that I could not do it, I could not have my mom living here in our home.
I need quiet time to try to decompress. That's exactly how I feel most of the time 'compressed', compressed into a teeny tiny bundle of nerves.
Thanks for listening, please write back I need to hear some good stuff!
Mary in Santa Rosa CA