We are All Living too Long

This will probably upset a lot of people but I need to get it out. People are just living too long. Our society spends the majority of health funds on the elderly. They are constantly at the doctors looking for a "cure" for simple old age.


Of course, medicare will pay for expensive procedures and operations that younger people are unable to obtain because medicare is "good insurance." Is it just me or are the depression era elders more entitled than the rest of us?? I cannot tell you the horrendous drivers that I see on the road and they are all in their eighties. They also have "good insurance" so when a car is crashed it is usually just replaced with another big car.

I struggle financially all the time. I was not in a generation that could buy a brand new house and a new car every year. I realize that generation suffered as children but do we have to suffer now. When I read of all the adult children taking care of their parents - who really are not that nice to them - it infuriates me.

That generation did not have to take care of their parents as they "passed on" when it was time and the medical field was not keeping them alive to suck out all the medicare benefits.

There will be no social security for workers today yet so much of my paycheck goes to keeping the elderly secure - even though they are much better off than myself. I love my parents but am not willing to give up my life for them.

Today, people who are sick can still live for another 15 years provided someone else gives up their independence and life to help them. Is that fair???

Comments for We are All Living too Long

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Agreed
by: Anonymous

Seniors will disagree, in this society people want to love forever, but it is true that seniors cost the most in our economy, seniors will argue that they paid taxes so they deserve to live well into there 100s.

In a way this is true, however seniors in there young days paid very little tax compared to the new generation. Economics teaches us in order to achieve one thing, we must give up another.

I personally believe seniors over 70 should take one for the team. Why spend billions on seniors who are gonna die anyways. They'd rather live in pain for an additional 20 years or so then help the economy and allow the younger generations to thrive.

Healthcare is of equal blame. Some seniors don't want to continue life, but when they drop to the floor the hospitals will do all they can to revive, leaving the senior thinking " I'm in pain everyday, thanks for bringing me back!".

A friend of mine just past at 75, he almost died multiple times, each time he came bacK from the hospital he felt like he was cheated. He was ready to die, instead the hospital kept him alive to suffer for an additional 4 months. Spend thousands on someone who accepted death and was ready to die.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Reply to Anon UK
by: AnonymousDion

Anon of UK has expressed adequately the issue of decision's made for elders. When it comes to the elderly, they have no value.

Many families do love and protect their parents etc but tragically many are not. Pharmaceutical companies make billions from elder medications. I see this as a poor example oh human dignity.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Nursing Home Care
by: Dion

First I would like to make point that there are many "good" nursing facilities. I come from a place of knowledge because health care was my work life for 25 years in many different capacities.

This is an example of a facility a friend of mine works at in Portland, Oregon. I make example of this place because I can verify facts.

Recently, admits have included drug addicts and alcoholics. These people are interspersed with elders. One alcoholic resident went to a Plaid Pantry down the street (with no sign out) and was found by a caregiver who went to store. The resident was on ground grossly drunk.

To make a long story short no paperwork was done on this incident and the resident's Dr.and family not notified. Med errors are not noted, skin breakdowns are not addressed.

I am not going to go through all atrocities..there are many..my point on this is employees need to be brave and report to the State Board of Nursing when they witness such sad events.

Those with alcohol/drug issues should not be housed with the elderly. The addicts steal from the elderly, take rings off their fingers on and on.

There are facilities for those who suffer from addictions and not placed because of census in facilities for our elders.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
YOU MUST BE YOUNG
by: Anonymous

You must be. Us oldies have paid tax all our lives and deserve to have a happy pain-free existence.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Stop this Suffering!!!
by: Anon UK

I think the people taking offence at the idea of euthanasia, are missing the point. Nobody argues that people who are elderly, but still reasonably able, mentally and physically should be shuffled off.

But here in the UK, it is all so screwed-up. A relative of mine, who has advanced Alzheimer's, as well as a myriad of agonising physical complaints has been in hospital for 3 months.

Every time he gets an infection, they pump him with antibiotics and he "recovers". Now he has a broken hip, from falling out of bed, can't have an operation , cos he is too frail, and instead is being pumped with morphine.

They wanted to tube feed him at one point, but thankfully the doctors agreed not to. How much longer does he and his family have to endure this unnecessary suffering?

I hear constant stories like this, where people who are very elderly, and basically hanging on by a thread, sit there all day telling anyone who will listen that they want to go, yet they are always in and out of hospital with infections-this, at a time when the NHS is at crisis point.

Doctors are scared of litigation. It is moral cowardice not to allow these people to go, in peace and dignity, not to mention economic madness. You face interrogation here, even if you try and get hold of drugs to end your own suffering.

My god .....the last bastion of a contravention of human rights must be that you don't even have the right to decide for yourself, when it's time for you to go......

Looking after someone is all well and good. Prolonging someone's misery, and making them suffer for sufferings sake, whilst diverting medical resources from those that are actually going to benefit from them.....it is idiocy. I can't believe we are letting this happen in the 21st Century

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Miserly and Miserable Elder Parents
by: Anonymous

My parents are both still alive and are in their 80's. We almost lost my dad 2 years ago after open heart surgery and he was in ICU for 2 months. He went to Long Term Care and survived it all.

I worked so hard to keep him alive and he appreciated it at the time very much. I was exhausted overseeing his care and ensuring he would live. My Mom appreciated everything and they were never so kind to me in my life. Fast forward 2 years to present day.

My parents are very well off and continue to receive large pensions while spending very little money. I have a child in college and they helped a little bit with his first year of college.

Now, I have asked for some help in his second year of college and they refuse to help. I am never allowed to mention that I basically saved my father's life and am pretty much treated like a 12 year old child.

Their entire estate will go to me when they pass. However, both are quite healthy. They are mean and miserable to me constantly. I gave up months of my life to ensure he would continue to live and I am treated like crap. I find myself hanging up the phone daily and wishing they were gone forever.

Longevity is in the family and I fear they will both live into their 90's. The thought of having them around for many years to come is dreadful to me.

When they finally die (if I make it that long) there will no mourning but relief. It is too bad because they were wonderful to me during my childhood. As an adult, they have been abusive and mean. My memories will not be good ones.

They have no good friends, have lost touch with almost all the living relatives and only talk to me. I live with this misery everyday. All of my good friends have lost their parents. I actually envy them.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Dementia means we should be dead
by: Anonymous

Father had advanced dementia. The doctors put another pacemaker in. Now we had too put him in assisted living and it's not enough . . He's 95 . He calls 20 times a day for little things like candy and when he's bored and TV is not doing it!

Everyday he yells, screams and threatens us with his will which is broke and barley enough to cover his expenses? What can we do?! This second pacemaker was too much.

I'm trying to sue the doctor for health expenses to care for this unhappy man. Why does the doctors do this when it's end stage dementia???

Just want to make us all suffer for the last years of our own life have been ruined. Taking care is going on 20 years now. Longer than it took to raise us.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Old
by: Anonymous

Growing old really sucks, I always thought I would die young but something went wrong. I am healthy enough but have outlived all my friends and feel sad a lot.

I go and watch people playing but they are younger and full of life. Life for me has reached a point where it takes more than it gives.

I am scared of old folks homes and sit and think of what lays ahead for me. I have no family that I know of and have always been a loner.

I had rather jump off a bridge than have someone have to care for me, I don't feel like anyone owes me anything. I can afford to do anything I want it's just I am tired.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
And the Beat Goes Strangely on...
by: Anonymous

I have read just about all of the scores of comments for this particular posting, and have mostly been confirmed in my belief that, Yes Virginia, there really is an ongoing crisis of many decrepit old people who are wasting away with Alzheimer's/Dementia.

My grandmother is one of them, and I have even posted my dismay on this site about it, to the point of becoming jaded.

Grandma wasn't a very nice person in her life (to put it too, too kindly). She beat, and was mentally abusive to, her husband and children.

She acted entitled, was waited on, and was most likely an alcoholic manic-depressive. But since her abuses occurred mostly in the unenlightened 1960s, and kept on through 1970s, even to the 1990s before she became mentally pickled, she was never properly diagnosed, and refused to be anyway.

So she lived out her life as a tyrant to her family. Her actions have caused repercussions to the very day I write this. She is 88 and "wasting away" at a dementia facility. She has broken her hip, had breast cancer, bronchial pneumonia, and has survived it all in the last five years.

To the person who wrote in the comments titled "The Greatest Vampire Generation" I would like to say, "you're damned right. These old folks who were abusive and got their way really are pieces of work!" And they won't die as they should, but seem to go on living, for what?

No other purpose than to be spiteful and clinging, or to beg adamantly for a cigarette when they're in rehab and can't smoke? It is, in my grandma's case, her natural selfish temperament.

The "Greatest Generation" doesn't mean these people should live until they are zombies in diapers, being kept alive by medical artifice simply for life's sake. Can I hear a W.T.F, anybody?

I may be young and have my life before me, but I can tell you that I don't want to end on such a horribly sour note like what I have seen happen. And I don't want this to happen to my mother, either!

Thank heavens my grandfather was sensible enough to die with reasonable grace, and not end up in a petrified condition having his diapers changed, and slumped in a wheelchair all day.

He wouldn't have wanted that; nobody who is sane really would. Yet, I realize that granny is completely unaware of her abject condition, which is why Alzheimer's or dementia is such a cruel disease, even for a cruel person. If she did know how bad off she is, then she probably would feel that it is long long overdue for her to go.

Or then again, maybe she would think it her right to live on forever being propped up until she rots away.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
From original poster
by: Anonymous

You made a hard but humane decision to not have the feeding tube placed. Why prolong the torture that you and your Father were being subjected to.

One of the most heartbreaking moments that I observed in the hospital was when a G-tube (that is a tube that is inserted directly into the stomach for nutrition and hydration) was placed when the woman had clearly stated she did not want one and was ready to die.

Her family disagreed and the medical community placed one in fear of a lawsuit. I still remember the tears running down that poor woman's face. They had deprived her of her last decision because of the selfishness of her family.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
been through it, won't do it
by: BT,DT

When my father was stricken with Alzheimer's I struggled to do what I could to help him live the best possible life to the end. I had only an inkling of what we would go through.

Mercifully it was only a couple of years from the time we moved him to a memory care facility near my home to when he passed. I was a single mom with two young children.

Even though he was in a care facility I spent a few days a week there with him at first, to make sure he had what he needed, that he was well cared for, to take him on errands, to the dentist, the barber shop, to get his beloved dog to the groomers, etc.

As he deteriorated he had more frequent violent outbursts and I was leaving my children at home alone so they would not have to witness this.

I began to dread visiting him, not knowing if it would be a 'good' day or a day when he would lash out at me for leaving him in the care facility. I suffered so much guilt that I wasn't doing enough for my father, or for my own children. Oddly I never felt guilty that I wasn't doing enough to take care of myself.

Eventually I began to see my father as like a drowning man, I was going to go down with him if I didn't let go and take care of my kids and myself. He was heavily medicated to control his outbursts, and eventually stopped speaking and eating.

I was called at work to be told that he would not survive unless a feeding tube was placed in him, and did I want to consent to that? I had no hesitation in telling them no. I know he would not have wanted that as well, it would have meant restraining him so that he wouldn't pull it out.

A week or so later he died, I was able to be at his side when he passed. The entire experience of what we went through was the most profound of my life. Ultimately I did the best I could for him because I loved him, but also I was raised to feel that I rarely met my parents' expectations of me. I guess I thought I could be superwoman and manage his life, my kids' lives, my job and my household alone.

I came out of this experience feeling like I had PTSD. Ten years later, I am now having to deal with another elderly relative who has dementia. My resolution, and I have voiced this more than once to my now grown children, is that if/when I become seriously ill I DO NOT WANT TO BE A BURDEN ON ANYONE.

If my mind is gone or my body won't function without tubes or machinery I want to be allowed to go on to the other side without medical intervention other than pain relief.

I don't want my own children to feel they must give up any part of their lives to care for me and come to resent me. I don't want some underpaid nurse's aide having to change my diapers. I don't want to take up resources better spent on someone with a future.

It makes no sense that we prolong death when there is no hope that someone's condition will improve and they will not be a cognitive person with any enjoyment of life left.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
From original poster
by: Anonymous

It has been several years since I wrote this post but I always read the comments. At first I received a lot of negative comments - which I understand - as it was a controversial subject matter.

As time went on I saw that others shared my view. These are probably the same people who have experienced how difficult it is to take care of an elderly person who has no quality of life yet the medical community keeps them going.

Multiple trips to the ER to get pumped full of antibiotics to keep them alive and keep the medicare payment rolling in. When big business can determine the quality of our lives there is going to be problems. Since when did quantity become more valuable than quality?

Depends on how good your insurance is.

There are young people who cannot afford to go to the doctor, who may have long and productive lives, yet so many of our resources medically are reserved for the elderly. Why? Because the doctors and hospital know they are going to get paid.

Why use medical cutting technology on the people who have no quality of life? Because of $$$. Those youngsters who could actually benefit - no since you do not have good enough insurance. I know how it feels to watch someone you love deeply losing their mental abilities and becoming just a body that has to be taken care of and it terrifies me that I will be next.

I don't want my body being alive because of medical technology. You are not a bad person because you wish that nature would take its course. It is a deep wish inside of me also. I do not want to see my loved ones being kept alive by artificial means and do not want that for myself.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
So true
by: Anonymous

You hit the nail on the head. I can say that if an elderly person is still spunky, getting around, having fun, seeing friends, going out to movies or dinner, great!

But when they have dementia, keep getting sick, consume all our time and money staying alive but truly out of it, what is the purpose of this?

I just took my elderly mother to the ER for the third time and they saved her from death. Again. The bill to Medicare will be in the tens of thousands, again. For what? Am I a bad person to say maybe nature should run its course?

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Right On The Money
by: Tired.Of.It

You are absolutely correct - at least from my perspective. My wife's mother is 90 years old and has consumed (!!!) our lives since her husband died a year ago.

I won't go into all of the "stuff" comprising that statement but suffice it to say that I'm nearly at my wit's end with it. My wife's mother has dementia and has been put into a memory care unit at a retirement community near our home.

Now we have to host her family on a regular basis at our house so that they can visit her mother that doesn't remember that they've even been there.

My mother is 94 - not as demanding at this point as my wife's, but still demanding and needing, etc. I think both mothers will outlive me at 60, and certainly if this BS keeps up.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Old
by: Anonymous

Living too long sucks, I have outlived everybody I knew and I have watched the world change so much. Being old is not fun, I still get around good and don't rely on anyone but each day I wake up and think "damn another day".

I lived a great life had a lot of fun, met some great people and planned on starting my own family but the years just flew by and like the movie "life" my friends just fell to the wayside.

I feel so bad for people that have to care for us old ones I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I am not scared of dying but I am scared of living too long.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I'm the one now
by: Anonymous

My work career was in different phases of nursing home facilities. I learned a lot about aging and it's affect on the aging person and families. I am the aged parent now and although I am still independent my philosophy still holds firm.

Pharmaceutical company's keep bodies alive way past the time a body says I'm tired now, time to go.. I will refuse all medications when my natural time to go arrives~this is in writing, my daughter in healthcare so I'm fortunate she understands and will honor all my wishes.

Rating
starstarstarstar
Agree
by: Max

My father is 90. I am in my late 40's. My mother died when I was young. I have come to terms with my father's faults (and there are many) and don't harbor ill will against him.

At the same time, I don't understand why he persists to live when all his peers have died. He has been very unhealthy for almost 20 years. I am concerned his thirst for immortality will start to kill off his children who are burdened with watching out after him.

While he is in nursing care, there is constant need for adult children with children and grandchildren to drop everything and attend to his on going health care management. I have been by his deathbed about 10 times. Each time he somehow recovers due to a new medication to address his new ailment.

His quality of life is poor. Physically, he can only watch TV and eat. Everything else must be done for him. I will continue to provide care management and visit. He wants to keep living this way and it is not my place to decide his fate.

All I can do is think about my own future. I have a living will and do not want to be revived. I think as a society we over-idealize longevity and see it as some kind of victory over nature.

I am focusing on my quality of life now. I am prudent with money, but always look for at least one adventure a year that I can afford knowing my days are limited.

I am relatively young by today's standards.

Still, I have been visiting nursing homes almost my entire life...first with grandparents and then quickly adding my own parent. I despise nursing homes and refuse to live in one. If it comes to that, I hope to have saved enough money to be launched into space for eternity.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I agree
by: Anonymous

My 90 year old father selfishly abandoned my brother, sister and me 45 years ago.

Foolishly, my husband and I found him and started to get to know him. It seemed okay, then his wife died. Almost immediately afterwards we could see he couldn't live on his own. We moved him in with us for a year.

What a nasty, conniving, self righteous, ingrate he turned out to be.

I've put him in an assisted living home. A nice one just for my sanity. My husband and I just retired and are working harder to care for him.

He's verbally abusive to the staff, in fact toward anyone who won't give him his way.

He is certainly getting better than he gave.

You are right, that generation feels entitled. Medicine has kept them alive far past their expiration date. They are the health care system's meal ticket.

I'm to the point that the only peace for me will be my death.

I don't like my father nor any of his sap sucking arrogant siblings. Yes all but one of them keep living on. Ages 88 To 96.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Amen
by: Tom

Keeping these people alive forever is cruel, to both them and the family that has to care for them. The quality of life is important. Not the length.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
If we get to the point.....
by: Anonymous

...where we cannot function on our own or lose our mind, it's probably best to get right with God and just call it life well lived.

I live in severe pain every day, but have a good and quick mind about me. Some days are much worse than others. Just got to thinking, maybe I have lived too long.

Diabetes and a heart condition are slowly chewing me up. Drugs keep me alive, but are very expensive. Love my kids and their kids....pretty much the only thing I try to stay alive for. Oh well, another day, a bunch more pills and insulin.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
KUDOS
by: Anonymous

FANTASTIC Article and screw the people who have an issue with it!

NO ONE can judge another even if they are caring for their own parent or grandparent as every person and every situation is different.

While I feel for posters like the one who unexpectedly lost their father while he was only in his late 50's it is easy to say you wish you had the chance.

Just the other day when my mother was worn out she said to my father (her ex-husband) that she was physically and emotionally drained and he told her she should feel lucky to have this time with her mother as he would do anything to spend more time with his (now departed) mother. PUHLEEZE!

He took care of her one summer for 2.5 months, complained bitterly the whole time about her shitting and pissing herself and having to bathe her but now that she's gone a few years he wishes he could have her back. BALDERDASH

Someone mentioned that people shouldn't have a problem looking after their parents for a "few" years. Well can 18 be considered a few because that is how long my grandmother has been ill and I would surpass the 10,000 character limit of this post if I went through EVERY single that has gone wrong with her.

On top of all of this she never driven so every doctor's appointment, every trip to the grocery store, every trip to the beauty salon, every shopping trip, every trip to chemo was done by my mother.

If my mother isn't working or taking care of her grandchildren my grandmother expects her to be with her and not have a conversation mind you as she is deaf as a door nail, oh no my mother is just supposed to sit there and listen to the same stories over and over and over again.

As she has gotten really bad (over the last 4 - 5 years of her life) my uncle who lives with her has done more - makes sure she has breakfast, lunch and dinner - makes sure her laundry is done - cleans up when she shits or pisses all over the house.

Oh, did I mention that she has always had a gift for being nasty which has only gotten worse over the years? She shows ZERO gratitude and complains about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. No one is EVER doing enough for her. How much verbal abuse are people supposed to take when they are essentially sacrificing their lives and sanity for her?

My mother works 5 days a week and her off hours and days are spent with Grandma.

Meanwhile when my sister and I were born one of the first things she said to my mother was that she was not a "built in babysitter" and she would babysit us but only occasionally.

After she retired she has a great life: traveling, going out with friends, etc. without a care in the world - all of the things her daughter and son can not do without agonizing over schedules as she cannot be left alone.

My grandmother constantly complains I don't come visit her enough yet I run my own business, am my only employee and work 14-16 hours a day - 7 days a week. There was once a miscommunication about when I was supposed to come over and have dinner with her and when I called before I left she started ranting at me that she was sitting waiting for me for 3 hours and that I was a selfish, spoiled kid and not to bother coming.

Meanwhile, the reason I am working 16 hours a day is so my mother will have a child with some money (as she does with my uncle) to pay for all of her medications, her food, etc.) to care for her so she doesn't have to worry about money as she ages.

The people who cared for her the most (my uncle and my mother) now are full of resentment toward her as am I for seeing how she treats my mother.

FINALLY, about a month ago she went into the hospital and my mother and uncle said they had had enough and went to rehab and when she is done with that she will move to their nursing floor.

The home is about 45 minute drive and she expects everyone to come see her every day and she is so nasty to the women that work there I am mortified to visit. I would like to blame her nastiness on old age but I can’t . . . One of the last time I went I had to change her shirt and then she told to hurry and grab the bed pan and her her get her pants off.

I ran out in the hall to find someone to help me as she is dead weight and can’t me moved easily by just one person but the staff was busy with other patients she snapped I was too late and to get tissues and shove them into her "crack" - I almost fainted.

She wants to go home, she can’t walk, can’t move but my uncle is supposed to be on watch 24/7, empty her bed pants, change her diapers and my mother is supposed to continue to spend every non-working moment with her? NO

The other day my mother was there and she wanted to get in bed, my mother told her she had to wait because she needed help she couldn’t get her from the wheelchair into bed.

The aides said she needed to wait a bit because she had only been up a few hours and they were afraid she was gonna get bed sores. So my grandmother ignored everyone and threw herself out of the wheelchair as best she could.

Of course she didn’t make it to the bed and my mother killed her back trying to stop her from falling. My mother is now in excruciating pain and when she didn’t go see her the next day my uncle told her why she wasn’t there - she was laid up with her back and couldn’t move. Of course grandma denies it ever happened.

I am almost glad she is in that place and my uncle refuses to let her back in the house - FINALLY consequences for nastily treating her son and daughter like slaves to her every whim for the last decade plus.

She has repeated over the years she wants to die - I think when she first started saying that it was to get sympathy and for people to say: "oh, no we don’t want you to die." But now when she says it I believe it. Other states must get on board with states like Oregon and bring assisted suicide to the whole country.

DO NOT EVER LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY for how you feel or what goes on with your parents.

I pray EVERY night that God takes my grandmother and not so she won’t suffer anymore but so she cannot INFLICT suffering on her family anymore.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I agree with the comments here
by: Anonymous

I agree with the comments on here. In the West we exploit modern technology and advances in medicine to the detriment of people's well being.

It's an abomination to oppose nature to the extent we have during the past century and our health experts should take a step back and re-examine their objectives and values.

In nature things happen to people that cause death before we get old - falls, heart problems, you can really feel the physical decline once you reach 40 and in history a lot of people died around 40 - 60.

The notion that living until 90 or 100 is a positive thing not based on reality.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Dying With Dignity
by: GoingToGo

Thank you for sharing the emotions that dealing with elderly and incapacitated family members brings up. Most people are ashamed to discuss these matters so openly.

Why are we living too long? I think these 3 things are the biggest contributors to why people are lasting so long and refusing to let nature take its course:

[1] Big Pharma and the Health Complex = $$$$

[2] Political Power of the Senior Citizen / Boomers who refuse to let their benefits be modified.

[3] Fear of Death= our society does not embrace this natural aspect of life.

When my husband discovered he was terminally ill he refused to be turned into a zombie by the medical system in the USA. Instead he chose to live his remaining time having a new adventure.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Let your parents live their own lives, it´s better for everyone.
by: Anonymous

People live too long BECAUSE they are excessively cared for. I speak from experience and I did every silly thing a caretaker does at the beginning of caretaking.

I too agreed with my husband that his mother was too old to care for herself (true) and that we should give up our home to move in with her so as to provide 24/7 assistance because this was the right thing to do (wrong).

Almost 8 years have gone by since and the old lady is living on and on and on. Why? Because we stupidly help her. If she was left to live on her own, she would be dead by now. She is not an invalid (yet).

She manages to eat, drink, bathe and dress herself. Her memory is a train wreck and she has a heart problem that almost killed her several times and that made her fall another number of times.

What would have happened if we weren't so stupid as to feel responsible for her care? She would have forgotten to take her pills. She would have not eaten right. She would have to go out and buy groceries and she would very early on have had a heart failure and died.

Or she would have gotten the flu and died. Or she would have forgotten to eat (because she is never hungry anymore) and died. Nature sure tries to do her job, but it is the carers that stand in the way of a good death.

People should just live their lives and we should have no laws forcing children to take care of their parents. Let them live their own way until they can no longer take care of themselves.

This is precisely the way that every other living being dies: it no longer can provide for itself.

We, my husband and me, were stupid and started caring. Now we have an endless problem. Had we ignored the signs at the beginning of this process and let nature take its course, we would have avoided this horrible hostage situation we ended up in.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I so Agree
by: Anonymous

Excellent. I feel the same way. I have been uninsured for years. My 79 year old mother passed away, unfortunately my hateful, miserable step father is still alive and not one bit grateful for one of his blessings notably the 1,000,000.00 dollars he has of my mothers. He is 82 and is so healthy he will probably out live me.

He does nothing but complain about everything. In his mind the government and Wall Street has screwed him as so has the rest of the world.

At 55 I am exhausted and really don't have much to be glad about, yet I try every day to be glad for my blessings and share what I have with others. I am ready to go back to where I was before I was born.

I'm done with life, the suffering of daily getting by. I have already lived too long.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Old
by: Anonymous

Some of us just keep on living. My memory is sharp and I remember many things, like being on a bus going off to the army December 1967 hearing Tony Joe White sing Poke Salad Annie.

Today, I walk a lot and listen to old music. A sad thing happened today at the bank, this nice young teller told me Mr. xxx you have no P.O.D. on your account or your CD's you need to put someone on them in case something happens to you.

I felt so stupid I just stood there, finally I asked her what is your name and told to put her name down. I knew then I had lived too long. Being old and alone is a living hell.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Author is 100% right
by: Anonymous

My friend, I couldn't agree more. This living until 90, while his kid ruins his life for a parent who is incapable is wrong.

A parent chooses to bring kids in the world. We don't choose to care of angry childish 90/year olds.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Life and Death
by: Anonymous

I have responded to this site before. I wish it could be a TV show there is SO much to share from both sides.

Much education for future generations. No matter which side you favor getting/being old is a tough journey to ride.

Those who are blessed with good health as they age are fortunate most fall in categories of illness in physical or mental deterioration or both.

The nursing homes house them and nursing homes are a business. Of course there are many good people who work in these facilities but the majority only think of it as a paycheck.

How do I know,well I worked in one for over 40 years. There is much I could share but maybe another time.

EDITORS NOTE - Please share with us when you can...your input would be of value and appreciated by all who visit this site...

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Living
by: Anonymous

I lived my life during the greatest time of all, growing up in the 50's and hearing the great music of the 60's.

I lived life like I stole it, I traveled, dated some super nice women enjoyed some of the finest things life had to offer.

Now I am old, still in decent health, but too old to get the most out of life. I don't think young people should have to spend their life trying to care for me, I have taken care of myself all my life, even as a young child.

I am so scared of being a burden to someone. I spend a lot of time thinking about the end and praying it comes quick, while I am sleeping would be great.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Old
by: Anonymous

It seems that society has less use for us old ones each day, they look at us like we are in the way.

The homes that wait for a lot of us are worse that Hell itself, we would be better off taking a pill and going on to the other side.

If you think life is wasting away sitting in a chair in your own crap waiting to die is life that must take a very weird mind. I hope to go to sleep and never wake up and the sooner the better my only fear is ending up having to be taken care of in a home.

When the quality of life ends then life itself should end as far as I am concerned.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Old
by: Anonymous

There are lots of ways to be tired, I have out lived everyone I cared for. I lived a great life and enjoyed travel , money and life in general.

I made some stupid moves in life by chasing the dollar. Like they say "we grow old way too early and smart way too late". The world I loved and understood has gone by, my friends have all gone on and I just can't let them go.

So you see, I think a person needs something to hang on to keep the desire to live on.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Common Sense Thinking
by: Anonymous

This is my 3rd entry to this subject. I'm so impressed with this blog and certainly to the people who contribute to it.

I wish this could erupt into a TV series to open the eyes of all Americans. The reason I titled this page "Common Sense" was to respond to those who defend the lucky elders who have good health and get to enjoy life as one should.

A walk in the sunshine, maybe garden or can still swing a golf club. No one is silly enough to put such elders in the same category as the sick and feeble mentally and physically.

Think hard and clear to what some term one is living with Quality of Life.

Listen to your inner voice for clarity to that statement.. Quality of Life..reflect on its meaning..give each generation their time on this planet. Getting old and just existing is not giving common sense its due.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Agree
by: Anonymous

A lot of us have lived too long, my useful years have all gone. I still get around good and have no real medical problems, just seem to always be in the way.

Death is something I do not fear, often I awake in the morning and know I am here for a while longer.

I don't think young people should have to take of us, we have had our time and should let the young enjoy their lives.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
What Should be Answer?
by: Dion Lochrie

Since I first left a comment sharing my input on our elders I have been forced to react in a different way. I am even more at a loss to see a across the table solution.

What struck me most was children of elders who don't want in way to care for a parent who mistreated them as children.

Can we as outsiders judge?

So many dynamics enter this subject of what to do with the sick, dementia riddled human we must feed and then clean up the poo. Watch for pressure sores that can easily become stage 3 or 4.

When we are old are we just a lump of flesh with hearts that refuse to stop beating? If one has lived life and now not needed automatically be disposed of in what would be a "humane and dignified" way?

I read a book once called "The Blue Chair" ..I must find the book and reread it. Remember, in my humble opinion lying in a bed-eating food that isn't all that great- someone cleaning your poop and making remarks of its odor-leaving a man unshaven for days - well I could go on and on..is there an universal answer? I doubt it.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
You Get What you Give.
by: Anonymous

"There is nothing sadder than going to a Nursing Home, entering the building and seeing men and women in wheel chairs with drained, helpless faces."

I disagree. I know something sadder than that. Which would be traveling back 40 years or so to witness some of these people abusing their children.

I have no doubt my parents will end up in a nursing home, all alone, spinning their sad sob stories for the staff. The reality is that they beat and humiliated their own children for fun.

They forced us to kill kittens for their pleasure. They held us at gunpoint and threatened to murder us. They made us use the bathroom with no door in full view of guests just to humiliate us and pleasure their guests.

But their nurses won't know any of that. Oh no, they'll just "know" that we're evil, hateful, cruel children who threw our parents away. Never mind that we were the ones disowned when we stopped taking the abuse and refused to allow them to do it to our children.

I'm okay with that though. I'd rather a few nurses hate me than let these monsters abuse my children. Enjoy their sob stories because surely, everything is someone else's fault. It always is.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Is it the right thing to do
by: Anonymous

I just spent time with a group of delightful elders youngest 85 eldest 91. The reason I am reading this blog is I wondered if once you reach a certain age you start to live longer if that makes any sense.

In other words, is our medical world keeping these people alive longer than say they did 10 years ago? It appears to me the answer is yes but that is based on all the 85 to 101 year old people I am either acquainted with or related to.

They are not all lively and active. There are several who get rid of their bank accounts in one way or another to become eligible for Medicaid thus requiring my money to continue to receive the health care, visiting health personnel etc. etc.

We are required to provide constant caretakers for some who don't really have any quality of life. Why? I don't know what the answer is but it appears to be going in the wrong direction with all the (I am one) baby boomers moving into this age group.

There won't be enough resources to continue with what we are not expending on the elderly. What are the answers I don't know but I sure as hell don't want to be in the same condition and situation as many I saw. Enough is enough....

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Working with Elders
by: Dion Lochrie

I have worked in Healthcare in one way or another for many years. I'm 70 now and still a full time worker. My personal opinions are strong.

There is NO dignity, "quality of life", or happiness in being old, sick and totally in need of 1:1 help to eat and poop..NONE.

Over the years I see our elders with hardly any visitors but then when "the end" is near they come in! Where were you when Mom/Dad were still able to converse and recognize them to enjoy being with them. To me its cruel! For me I want or plan to end my own life when I start to fail.

My daughter is in Healthcare and we have talked about this. I pray for things to have changed when my family members are elders.

There is nothing sadder than going to a Nursing Home, entering the building and seeing men and women in wheel chairs with drained, helpless faces.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Original poster update
by: Anonymous

Hello all,
I am the original poster of this comment and want to thank all the open minded individuals who have responded to this post.

At first I was greeted with a lot of hostility, probably from guilt ridden family members, about my opinion. I have been a nurse watching a full code on someone who was 93 years old. Could hear her ribs cracking as we worked on her.

Why - because her guilt ridden son who was living in Hawaii threatened a law suit if his Mom died when he was not at the bedside. So we were supposed to work on this poor body while he jumped on a plane.

I blame the physician who did not have enough balls to call it because he was scared of a lawsuit. I now take care of my 91 year old Mums full time. She has good health but no memory at all. I do not want that to be me.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
What happened to Quality of Life?
by: Anonymous

I work as a nurse, I see a lot of operations/ procedures being done on the elderly(over 80), for what?, so that they can slowly die in hospital. Makes a truck load of money for the Doctor. Horrible for the family to watch, waste of tax payers money.

The government keeps saying we need to cut down on health dollars, how about letting people die.

Just because we can do an operation does,not mean we should. This belief now of must keep people alive no matter what, is stupid and we can't afford it as a society.

All I hear from medical staff is that we are kinder to dogs. Death is part of the circle of life, bring back the quality of life model.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I work in a Long Term Care Facility
by: Anonymous

I work in a Long Term Care Facility. 90% of residents are on Medicaid.
80% are over 85 years old with dementia. The doctor is right, the families are NUTS. Keep them alive at all cost.

I wonder if THEY where paying, would they're tune change? Full code for a 95 year old???

Seeing all this, I know I do not want to be a burden on my family, society, and country. Our country will not be able to sustain the cost of extended care. We need to be realistic. We are all going to die.

W

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
The Greatest Vampire Generation
by: Anonymous

I'm going through it now and I agree 100,000%.

I'm the caretaker because my other siblings "have lives". I lucked out (sarcasm) because my father, who didn't take care of my sick mother correctly and caused her years of unnecessary suffering, survived after her death.

For years he had lied to us about their condition. Every time anyone visited he drove them away claiming everything was "fine" and he had everything under control.

I had some financial difficulties and had to move in with him while my mother was in a nursing home (about 2 months later she died). When I actually got into the house I uncovered 30 years of unbelievable neglect and filth. There were leaks in the walls, the roof, gas leaks in the stove and furnace, mold in the rooms that couldn't be seen if you weren't allowed to tour the house and just stopped by for an hour or two.

My father was a master at stuffing things into closets and making the house appear to be OK on the surface. We discovered he was a very clever and compulsive hoarder and we're still dealing with the mess 2 years in.

He's in his early 90's and his behavior and total contempt for other human beings is not something I can entirely blame on age or dementia. Many times he's crystal clear on what he's doing.

A lot of this "greatest generation", particularly the men, need a lesson in ethics, hygiene and basic manners. I know for a fact that a person like him in today's society would not be able to hold down a job. He couldn't pass the most basic psychological test for any retail job. If he were to go to school, they'd probably whisk him off to a guidance counselor.

Apparently, this bad behavior was tolerated in his day and age. As adults, we children don't know what to make of him. I am amazed at how my mother and his family seemed to think his actions and speech were perfectly acceptable. We didn't know better when we were kids, we had nothing to compare it to.

Every time he gets incredibly sick, he bounces right back. Nobody knows what to make of it. He claims his reason for living is to "bust our chops".

We're stunned.

These folks from the early 20th Century are a delightful bunch, real pieces of work.

When will it end. I don't know.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Caregiver burnout
by: Anonymous

It is very easy to get burned out when you are a caregiver who is responsible for someone 24/7.

Please don't criticize someone who is experiencing this if you have never cared for someone in this way yourself.Remember that everyone needs a break. See if your community has senior daycare facilities. Ask people to help you (this is especially difficult for women). Take time to take care of yourself.

Some people find it a labor of love to care for an ill spouse or parent. Others are more reluctant caregivers. How truly good to tend to the needs of an aged person who you have never had a relationship with. Please set boundaries and ask for help.

Also remember that all of us grow older. Some of us were never very pleasant to begin with. I can imagine how frustrating it is to take care of someone who has never been kind to you or even abusive toward you.

Perhaps a good part time job for the healthy retired is to volunteer to give these overburdened caregivers a break!

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I agree with you 100%
by: Ryan Persad

Your comments are my thoughts exactly.I could not have said it better myself. One of the reasons this country and our world is extremely overpopulated is that people are living too long.

Such persons are a terrible burden on their families and society.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Elder Helper
by: Anonymous

I read everyone's stories and in many ways I can relate.

What I do know for certain is this -

1.) Seniors that have abused their children (now adults) are less likely to get the care from their family,

2.) The seniors that have not saved for their healthcare needs (sorry, Medicare/Medicaid and Social Security is not enough $ to pay for elderly care), are less likely to get the care they need,

3.) The kids (now adults) who say they love their parents later regret putting so much time and money into helping because they never expected the long life would outlive the family funds.

Bottom line, if you have been spoiled as a child, expect to spoil your parents back when they are old. I hope you have enough money saved.

If you believe they are deserving of Medicare because they fought in WWII, please consider the future generation that also fought in wars.

And let's not forget the low-income employees that clean the toilets in the hospitals, pick the strawberries that we buy at the store, or the low paid caregivers who deal with violent reactions from seniors who refuse to take their medication according to doctors advice.

Unless you are a perfect child of your Elderly Parent(s), don't judge other people and expect that a caregiver only deserves to paid so low. Caregivers are often paid so little for their effort that they can qualify for Medicaid. Yet, only people under Medicare matters? I don't think so.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Don't Blame the Doctors
by: Anonymous

I'm a doctor and take care of a lot of very elderly people. For the most part my very old patients aren't the ones who are driving all the health care expenditure. It's their crazy children.

I've had family members upset and angry that their 93 year old parent is sick and dying and threatening law suits if all heroic measures are not done (and you know some crazy jury will side with them because the evil doctor and his "death panel" refused to do open heart surgery on a 93 year old with kidney and liver failure and severe dementia.)

Even after we've agreed on a DNR, beware of the guilt ridden estranged daughter flying in from California who demands 5 second opinions.

My message to children of the extreme elderly is this... we are all mortal and will die. Stop torturing your parents by forcing the doctors to do every last thing to keep them alive for a few months longer.

I hate to say it but if these late middle aged children of the elderly had to pay just a small fraction of their parent's medical bills, many (certainly not all) would pull the plugs a lot sooner.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
From Love To Hate
by: Anonymous

I've always loved my mother. However, after she suffered a stroke five years ago,I have visited her at her assisted living facility once a week. She cannot speak because do the stroke and every visit is depressing. I come home depressed which isn't fair to mt wife.

Now we are ready for retirement and want to relocate to Florida, but can't because I still feel responsible for my mother. What about MY life? I am getting older too and want to enjoy myself while I am relatively healthy.

My love for her has turned into resentment and I never thought that would happen. I feel guilty about that too. Now, after spending $300,000 for her assisted living facility, she's almost broke. What now?

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
And Insurance Companies Love it
by: Anonymous

I too agree that when you are too ill to care for yourself, because of old age, why burden others.

We've all got assigned times on this earth so it should remain that way. While insurance companies and prescription drug companies (the most lucrative business on the planet), get filthy rich, these poor old people that we love so much are left to suffer through their final years, while their loved ones get to watch. Not me brother.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Life and Death
by: Anonymous

Just how I feel about myself aging. I feel that if I am losing my mind am feeble and weak, unable to care for myself.

Then I no longer wish to be here and should have the option of being put to sleep. I've been to Doctors in my younger years that have certainly prolonged my life. But the body only lasts so long and to extend suffering does not appeal to me.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Totally agree
by: Anonymous

I totally agree with this article. I know a woman who is in her 60's. She used to have more intelligence and contributed a lot to her family.

Now, she is in the final stages of CFIDS and all she does is sleep all day and watch baseball when she's awake. She spends all of her disability money on CD's and DVD's and collectible toys. Her 10 year old son and her 25 year old son are forced to take care of her and a lot of the time she is so whacked out on her medication she doesn't know what she is doing.

There are also times where she purposely uses her medication to get high and forces her children to pick up the pieces.

She gets to enjoy a kind of life where there is absolutely no responsibility on her part whereas her son has sacrificed so much that he will never be able to live the same kind of life that she does when he reaches the same age.

Our quality of life would be so much better if we used the same money to take care of the children that need it. After all, she no longer has nothing to contribute to society.

I say that you should be able to live as long as your resources allow but you should not get more then what you contributed to society. I hope the day comes when people wake up and realize that nothing is free and what we are doing is robbing our children of a decent future.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
It's Tough
by: Anonymous

It's tough caring for aging parents. My folks are in their 90's. I just lost another week of work while my dad passed through another medical crisis.

Each time that medicine pulls them through they get a little more fragile and debilitated. I'm 66, in good health, have a great husband and wonderful grandchildren and I'm seeing my life eaten away by the ever-increasing needs of my parents.

When you're walking through it day after day, what is theoretically right or wrong really doesn't matter anymore. The reality is that good quality of life for the elderly often means poor quality of life for their caregivers.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I Agree with You
by: Anonymous

Once I would have seen this as shameful but you have to walk a mile in someone's shoes. I have great empathy for people who have a functional family and their parents die young.

I cared for my grandmother for 7 years after she was dumped with me at her house by her husband who had enough of her lies. She was 89...I then gained custody of my granddaughter while I was living with her who was 2 at the time she is now 8.

My grandmother decided that the money she gave my father was a loan. It was for a prostate cancer operation to save his life. My stepmother was then diagnosed with cancer and died and my father has a new partner and my grandmother didn't like that at all despite the fact that she had been married three times and divorced at 90.

The doctor knew the truth about all of this and sent her off for an evaluation for dementia and mental health. She got really mad about that so she went to Seniors Legal and got help to pursue this case, all government funded. I wouldn't support her so she evicted me and my 7 year old granddaughter with threats. Then she tried to take out a protection order on me which was also false and failed in court.

She is now 97 still terrorizing everyone...changed doctors so she has a new person to lie to.

So, I am slowly getting things back to normal. I knew she could be a pain but I had not crossed her before and I still would not lie for anyone but it caused me to lose my job and a lot more so if anyone wants a grandmother like that feel free to apply.

I want nothing more to do with her Great biography evict your great great granddaughter not many have the opportunity to even know them.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Shameful
by: Anonymous

I personally find this a very shameful post. I am 20 and have lost my wonderful father at the
young age of 58 to a heart attack. We used to laugh about how me and my brother would build a granny annexe for my parents when they were older.

I would never has complained had I had to look after an elderly parent. God knows it is a far better alternative to losing such a wonderful person so young. Someone who put 110% into his children's upbringing and all of his energy. So as to this post all I can say is shame on you.

Looking after an elderly parent I am sure can be tiring, but the alternative is far worse. Treasure your parents while you have them.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
We ARE living too long
by: Anonymous

By the time the baby boomers are old enough to need extra care, the younger generation will see what we went through and have us euthanized.

Someone uploaded a picture of a woman who was 116 years old. All I could think of was which one of her children didn't get to have a life. The human body was only meant to go so long, after that, it is just one chronic illness after another one.

Older people do become like children, becoming self-absorbed and self-preservation kicks in--they don't care about anyone else but themselves. People can tolerate a little baby and the mishaps of a toddler because you know that person has a future. But will a geriatric, you know it will only get worse and worse and worse.

And if you are a geriatric and don't like this, well guess what? There is something known as compassion fatigue. We aren't good enough actors to act sad every stinking time you get sick because it is every other month. We are only human.

It is not that we don't have a heart, but you have been like a black hole and have sucked the life and compassion from us. Yes, we will be relieved when you die. Is that horrible? Think about it. When you were in your middle age, did you have to spend all your time taking care of someone who is rarely grateful?

This life is about the current generation--the kids--THEY are the ones who need the time and attention. Stop acting so jealous when the world doesn't revolve around you.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Young and Tired
by: Anonymous

My life has been turned upside down. I'm 31 and having to take care of my 88 year old grandmother. My father and two uncles have passed and I'm the only grandchild. The burden of responsibility for her care falls upon me.

She has dementia but is physically in good health. I love my grandma but I feel burdened that ultimately my life is going to waste. This could very well go on for the next 10yrs. Potentially a decade of my life taken from me.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I Knew I was not Alone in my Thoughts
by: Anonymous

I want to thank all the open minded individuals who responded with kindness to my original post. For the United States to be putting themselves in jeopardy to take care of the eldest of Americans is just STUPID!!!

How can we live with ourselves when there are children who need health care and are unable to obtain decent care because of insurance companies. Are the insurance companies now deciding who will live and who will not - regardless of age or quality of life?

Here is the nasty little fact - Doctors get paid well for medicare - not so much for medical. So who is going to get the latest diagnostics and cutting age treatment..... that is right.....the people who are going to die the soonest. Where is the sense in that?? As usual with the fat cats running the United States -yes I am talking to you White Dudes with all the money - it is always bottom line which is $$$$$$$$$

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
We have Responded too Slowly to the Fact that People are Living Longer
by: Anonymous

There was a time, when medicare was first started, that the elderly were the poorest class of people. No longer able to work, and with inadequate or no savings, the elderly lived in abject poverty.

Over the years, that was over-corrected to the point that now, the elderly are the wealthiest age class in America and the most impoverished Americans are very young. The US is well behind other industrialized countries in support of children, working class healthcare, schools, higher education, and women in the workplace - instead we have decided to lavish our spending on, and leech from, all other members of society on... The elderly?

How come the elderly have the best healthcare - it make no sense. How come our country feels more comfortable saying "no" to and robbing our future generation of opportunity and health? Children die everyday due to a lack of healthcare and it is selfish of the elderly to demand more tax breaks, and more benefits in their old age.

What happened to the grace and wisdom of age? I don't understand old people who don't recognize this selfish behavior is slowly starving the future.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Treat our Children Well Now
by: Anonymous

My mother in law with Alzheimer's lives with us now. Not only does she prefer this to a nursing home, she simply does not have enough money to go to one until she is closer to death. She is quite literally living too long.

There will be a point when she is too demented to safely stay in our home and then she will have to go. The real issue is her behavior and personality before all the dementia... Had we really loved her before this point, it would be different. She has gotten easier to be around as her mind has gone and she stopped talking and dominating all our interactions so much - but it is hard to forget years of her self-centered, complaining, anxious, hypochondria, belittling, controlling, domineering ways and her put-downs.

The only reason we do it now, is because it is the right thing to do. Had she been an adored parent, it would be SO MUCH easier to shoulder the burden of caring for her now. We should all think hard about how we behave and how we are treating our children.

Whether we or they like it or not, the burden of our care, in some form or another, will fall on our children and we better hope we haven't worn them out or alienated them before that.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
We are Living Too Long
by: Anonymous

I posted this originally over 5 months ago. I was surprised at the amount of negative comments about myself that I received with the first couple of postings. Just wanted to thank the people who have taken the time to show that they understand where I am coming from with regard to the elderly.

I am now staying with my Mother who is 89. She believes that I am doing this because I have no where else to go.(Hardly the case.)I am here because she is a danger to herself and those around her because of her memory. I live daily with the frustrations of taking care of her.

I love my Mother very much but it is the attitude of that generation that I am finding so appalling. I really do not want to hear about "the house that you built from stone" while you pillaged our money from our paychecks. Sorry but that is how I feel. How did your parents survive without Social Security? They managed and did not feel like America owed them because of their service in WW 2.

How about the Viet Nam Veterans and the boys returning from the middle east. I would rather my dollars go to people who have some life to live instead of keeping alive the elderly. When I think that our young veterans get less than proper care but if you are in your 80s you can get all the medical care you want (not necessarily need) it infuriates me.

Since when did longevity become more important than quality??

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Ok By Me
by: Anonymous

I am in my fifties and my elderly parents are always having surgeries and draining everyone around them. I am willing to be euthanized at the age society decides a human has lived long enough.

A few more years is all I want. Then I am ready to go. Who needs the pain, suffering, humiliation not to mention the sacrifices of others to keep this dying flesh going longer? Yuck.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
The Plight of the Baby Boomers
by: Don

I found the comment section interesting as I'm 89 with 4 children and 9 grand children. I have a 62 year old child living with us. We send money to 3 baby boomers who made good money during the good pay years and they lived way beyond their means and now find themselves paying for their high living standards through the use of easy credit.

My wife and I built our house of stone and are self sufficient financially. We paid into Medicare for over 70 years and now receive 80% of our medical bills paid, but not our legal drugs.

We also are stuck with helping our grandchildren with college expenses.

We still live a comfortable and modest life.Those suffering a few years in life must look at the cost and psychological pain your parents have suffered in raising you.

I do believe that the elderly should live through the part of life of in a vegetative life style, but teach your children how to build their houses out of stone and make some preparations for old age so they don't have to take care of you.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
LOL!
by: Anonymous

Some folks came to a site specifically called "boomers-with-elderly-parents.com" and are somehow aghast at posts which stem from the frustrations people feel in the course of living with and taking care of their parents. What did you expect? People like this are either quite dumb or master trolls.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Elderly Persective?
by: Anonymous

Does anyone know of a website that offers the elderly perspective? Not all of them are dotting with dementia. Some may be able to work a computer. Would be interesting to hear from the other side. Perhaps it could be the beginning of communication and understanding.

As caretakers, we feel unheard and misunderstood. No one is listening to us and no one cares. As the caretaker, it's my problem. It's our elderly parents who listen to us the least. I know when I try to tell my side of the story to my mom, she goes into the extreme invalid mode, and says "I don't want to bother you anymore" (mom! I'm at your beck and call everyday) "I want to always remain independent" (mom! you told me you needed me because you could no longer live alone). Once even putting her hands over her ears and shaking her head in misery like I was torturing her by even talking.

She has her needs and they all come first and if my needs require me to have a partner in my life and my own home, she just doesn't want to hear. Period. End of discussion.

So I wonder, what exactly is she going through that makes it impossible for her to grant me a life? or to even understand that I need something of my own. Is she that scared and lonely? Or does she require total control to feel safe?

I'm willing to discuss these things with her, but she is either unwilling or unable to do it.
Hence, this forum, where we write and write and life goes on....sigh.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Long-Term Solution Needed
by: Richard

I agree in many respects. Middle age should be a time to savor and enjoy, but the huge burden of caring for frail elderly parents is wrecking what could be a lovely period of freedom for their children.

One possible solution would be to require, by law, all persons on reaching the age of 80 to move into state-funded care institutions.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I Agree
by: Dorene

My boyfriend let his mother with Alzheimer's move in with us to take care of her and I am totally pissed. It's been 3 years of hell. Our relationship is really not a relationship anymore. I am stressed and miserable in my own home.

She is 80, let some one else take care of her, it is ruining my life. I am 47 and don't want to spend any more time wasting with this situation. I am ready to Bounce!

I am not close to her or even like her much. I think its torture to have to live like this, young couples should not have to sacrifice their happiness and life to take care of their really OLD parents! Why are we obligated to do this?

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Let's Get Rid of Guilt!
by: Anonymous

You are right...my dad is suffering, because the medical doctor is getting paid very well. The heck with that...! Children without insurance get less services than my dad who is trying to die...by the way, families cause a lot of the suffering for the their aging parents..lets get rid of guilt!

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I'm with YOU sister/brother!
by: Anonymous

The health care industry's agenda is to keep people alive (longer than they really need to be) to make money off them. Plain and simple. It all comes down to money.

I agree with most of what you wrote in your post. You're NOT the only one out there who has these concerns.

Dr. Kevorkian (god rest his soul) was WAY ahead of his time and with any luck, the rest of society will catch up to his forward thinking right quick.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
We are Still Living too Long
by: Anonymous

OK so lets give drivers licenses to 5 year old's because your average 90 year old acts exactly as a toddler.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
What Goes Around-------
by: Grandma Jones

Blah - blah - blah. So elderly drivers cause wrecks--what's your point? So do drivers of all ages.

Don't know what your belief system is - spiritual, religious, vodoo, wican, etc. But KARMA or whatever you want to call it can be rough.

Next time I'm driving down the middle of a country road in my big old lady Buick, nod off to sleep, careen through a fence and end up in a jackass pasture, I'll know your Karma has come!


Rating
starstarstarstarstar
We are Still Living too Long
by: Anonymous

Wow - guess I really did hit a nerve with my comments about people living too long. There is a possibility that all the people who died at the Farmers Market a few years ago might agree with me about elderly drivers.

Just because you fought the Nazis does not mean you can take my life with your vehicle because in your mind you are still "a very good driver." I am not immature or bitter about elderly people. I work with them all the time. However there is a reason that animals are "put out to pasture."

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Judy, Judy, Judy!
by: Baby Boomer

Regarding Judy's comment about the negative responses coming from those who expect their children to care for them: I am one of the previous bloggers, and I have no children!

Through careful financial planning, I will be able to pay for the majority of my elderly care. Will still apply for Medicare as I have earned that right by working all my life. As far as Judy's characterization of anyone stating they would die for a loved one (regardless of age!) as merely false bravado--there actually are people in this world who put others before themselves, and then there are Judy and others with their opinions.

The blog absolutely struck a nerve with me as it is unsettling to hear adult children generalize their negative parental experiences to the entire geriatric community and to those who feel caring for their parents is a blessing rather than a burden. Just another perspective.

Sorry you guys lack the experience of loving parents and/or a compassionate heart.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
It Seems Like You've Struck a Nerve
by: Judy

The response to your blog has been extremely negative. I just want you to know that I can empathize with what you are saying.

My mother-in-law actually lives with my husband and me. It's no picnic. Those who say that the elderly is "owed" this care are most likely the type who intend to use this emotional blackmail on their own unfortunate children.

I for one did not have a child in order to have my own personal slave in my later years. My child has been informed that when I am no longer able to care for myself, she is not permitted to feel any guilt in anything that happens with me. In case anyone thinks that I am young and I'll change my mind when it's "my turn", I'm 49.

As for one of the critics of the author of this blog, the aging baby boomer who said she'd give her life for her mother, please. Those are just empty words full of bravado.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Feedback for Mr. or Ms. "Entitled"
by: Incredulous

WOW -don't even know where to start--how about with the driving comments. It is true that reflexes and so forth decrease as we age. However, how many "younger" adults speed, tailgate, lane switch, call and text on cells, apply makeup--the list goes on and on.

You make it sound like anyone over a certain age of YOUR determination should be "let out to pasture" and stripped of all human rights the most precious being their right to be alive and breath the same air as you. And I can't even stay angry at your bitterness because you are obviously a depressed, repressed, angry, immature, and self-absorbed individual to be pitied.

Your disrespectful comments would be extremely hurtful to those geriatric family members who were loving givers and providers all their lives and now find themselves in the unenviable and fearful position of being what they consider to be a "burden" to their families.

We are all going to need help one day, and age may not always be the precipitating factor. My wish for you is that compassion and empathy will grow in your heart and soul as you mature. May you live to be 100 and have the full support of people that love you (if there are any left by then!)

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Resentment
by: Anonymous

You sound resentful. Are you actually caring for parents right now or just complaining about the threat of it (you weren't clear). My thoughts are, instead of being resentful, perhaps you should think about all of the things that your parents sacrificed to take care of YOU.

Perhaps think about the money they poured into your hobbies, education, clothing, dental care, and other things that might not be "necessities" (my sister never had braces and has a happy, fulfilling life even if her teeth are crooked, so no, $3000 worth of braces isn't a "necessity". Did you have vacations? How about birthday parties? Bicycles? Pool memberships?

Your parents undoubtedly spent a small fortune raising you, in order to give you a decent start in life, and yet you are complaining about them. That is so sad. I had none of the material advantages that most children have yet I am very grateful to my parents for their love, their care, for doing the best they could for us.

My mother is 90. Yes, she needs my help to survive, and she talks all of the time about the fact that she might be dead if I wasn't helping her and taking her to doctor appointments and tests. But that is the right thing to do. You sound like someone in their 20's or 30's because normally people in their 50's do not resent their parents being on Medicare like you do.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
My Parents are Taking Care of my Handicapped Sister
by: Anonymous

My parents are 90 and 88. Both are WWII veterans and are financially independent because they worked hard and saved their money. And they are the primary caregivers, along with me, for my totally handicapped, quadriplegic, brain injured sister (59).

Although their health is failing, they do their best to be totally independent in every way, as much as they can. I help them and my sister, without much help from my three other siblings.

If my mom and dad and others like them are tapping into the health care system, you can thank them for fighting Hitler and his Nazis, okay?

I understand your concerns, because everything's expensive, but if the wealthiest billionaires and corporations in our country would pay their fair share of taxes (I'm just asking that they pay the same percent that I do), maybe you wouldn't be so concerned about your grandmother's hip replacement surgery. After all, how many 24 karat gold toilet seats does a Texas oil billionaire truly need?

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
So Whose Stopping You?
by: Warren

I agree with Anonymous. Not for you to say how long anybody needs to live. Maybe you can save Medicare a few bucks by refusing to apply when you are eligible. Or, since you feel so strongly about it, whose stopping you from practicing what you preach and checking out early yourself?

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
WHAT???????
by: Anonymous

You are slamming Medicare which cares for the elderly, many of whom have served our country, lived within their means, and worked many jobs to care for their families?

You might want to think about the obscene financial burden on this country created by Medicaid rather than Medicare recipients. Many of those getting Medicaid and related benefits are receiving free medical care (including running to the ER for every little sniffle when responsible working people don't have that luxury.) They also receive food stamps, free birth control (not that its used) since they are rewarded with a check for every irresponsible decision made to have babies they cannot afford. Seems as if your disdain is misplaced.

As an aging baby boomer, I will soon be one of those about which you so disgustingly speak. Remember - you will be one of them one day if you live long enough. But perhaps you will be willing to shorten your life to ease the taxpayers burden?

But since you stated you wouldn't give your life for your parents it's doubtful you would sacrifice it for a mere taxpayer. I have the honor of caring for my 86 year old mother. Did we have a perfect relationship always--of course not. Would I give my life for her? Yes.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Elder Care Anger and Resentment.


Home | Site Map | About | Contact | Privacy Policy | Disclosure

© Copyright evSky Incorporated 2008-2017 | All Rights Reserved


Eldercare for

Aging Parents

Are you having a difficult time with being the "Caregiver" for Mom and Dad?

Click Here to Read What Others are Saying and Leave a Comment About Your Own Experiences....

Or Start your Own Discussion Page!

Recent Articles

  1. As Time Flies....What Should I Do?

    May 24, 17 03:12 PM

    I am so afraid of what I see, that the idea of this part of my life becoming a long term commitment just puts me in panic mode. My mother not only demands

    Read More

  2. Do They Know Better?

    May 23, 17 03:36 PM

    My mother in-law is an older woman of 81. I am disabled myself with Epilepsy. I can't work or drive. The phrase that they say is A Disabled Person does

    Read More

  3. Caring for Two!

    May 18, 17 10:28 AM

    My family and I have been caring for my elderly parents, mom 88 and dad, 90, for the last 2 years. We recently took dad, he has Alzheimer's, to a nursing

    Read More