Want to Know Why I am Overweight?

by Daughter is Trying

Because I'm scared, confused, overwhelmed, sad, upset, tired, sick, broke, hopeless, lonely, bedraggled, driving a 200,000 mile car, bank account on empty, no break in sight. I keep a brave and even cheerful front up. I am polite and respectful to nurses, doctors, aides. I am endlessly patient with my Alzheimer's mother, dressing and caring for her day in day out, year after year, through hospitalizations, good days, bad days.


I never know what I'm going to find: find – Mom in her chair with no underwear, and then the slip covers need to be washed, or Mom inexplicably conked out sleeping no matter what time of day it is, or Mom acting quite normal, watching TV.

I carry on with the taxes, paperwork, chores, bills, and try to make some kind of time for myself, but I am squashed like a bug in all of this.

I have become an invisible by product of the machine that involves keeping an Alzheimer's mother going. Since she cannot fend for herself, I am her brain, and I must watch out for her constantly.

I keep getting sick from these facilities where I go to visit her. Months of bronchitis, the same deep cough echoing among the nursing staff.

Late at night, I worry for my own life, Who is there to help me? I am alone in this mess that has become my life.

I moved to take care of her, and now I am starting over at age 60, in a new community, and it seems too late for me. I am a cog in the wheel, that will rust out soon.

Each day I make my way to where she is, and pass rows of elderly in various states of undoing, I valiantly smile and try to bring warmth and joy. And I see my dear Mother enshrouded in the walls of an artificial home. I go back to the apartment I inhabit, my belongings in boxes piled up, will I ever unpack and have a home again myself?

I am drained, and if I scratch the surface of my stalwart armor, there is a scared sadness, a tired, overwhelm, a swollen gland throat, not enough money to pay bills.

I stop at the food store, and with the little energy I have left, search for something to eat.

Knowing I need to be healthy, but barely able to make it back to the car, and into the house, to collapse, and sit stunned, by yet another day, of the sad grief and bravado, and I shove some cookies in my face, because the only thing that can begin to touch the wound I feel, is the band-aid of sugar, and I eat my sandwich, and wait till I must check on her again shortly.

You see, as bad as my life is, hers is worse. Wet adult underwear, unbrushed teeth and hair, trouble walking, hearing.

I just try to make this unbearable process just a little better for her. And I hope that God and whatever angels there may be, will take care of me.

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Somebody Hears You
by: Anonymous

Awwww...I read your entry and felt so bad for you.
It is endless, isn't it?
I could totally relate to your comment regarding the Systems that house and keep people alive no matter the quality of life.

Recently, I went to check out a local Nursing Home facility just to get information. They have an Alzheimer's unit, a Rehab unit, and the skilled nursing, residential unit.

I've been in the Alzheimer's unit before when I visited an in-law that was living there. That unit is much like the skilled nursing unit. Patients lying in bed, sleeping, mouths agape, just breathing, being fed, nothing more. Tiny, covered lumps in beds is all you see as you walk the hallways.

The other half of the patients are lined up in the wheelchairs, along the hallways, in the dining room, in the television room. Very few are in the recreational room.

Cost per month for this type of care is $10,000. Yes. $10,000 per month. This is insane. My mom has a long term care policy that kicks in $3,000/month.

That means the rest of her savings, her home and anything else will pay $7,000/month for as long as she is in there.

She does not qualify for government aid, because she worked all her life and managed to have a retirement income that doesn't make her rich nor poor.
There are no answers.

People are living longer. Improved medical care and personal care has created this huge, inverted pyramid of social care in which the many are being cared for by the few.

We can barely withstand the weight.

I just wanted to write to you to let you know you are heard. You sound like a voice in the wilderness. You are not alone even though you are alone in it daily. We all feel your pain and send you comfort.
EDITOR'S NOTE - Very well said!!

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