Update.

by Leasa
(Ontario)

Today is my birthday and I'm feeling depressed. I've told the readers of this forum a lot about my mother and myself by extension. As I've stated, about a month ago my mother had to be hospitalized as she was becoming very sick at home and I could no longer care for her.

She is not mobile at all, cannot even stand and I don't know if I mentioned she has also a lot of dementia. She is now in long term care in our local hospital. At first Mom was extremely angry that she had to go back into the hospital (almost died at home) and she was in intensive care for 10 days but she made it clear at that time that she absolutely hated me for her being there.

She was smoking a lot at home and thanks to her elderly friend, she was drinking a lot also. But, it was 'my fault' she had to go in. She treated me like dirt. In hospital she fired the best doctor our area has to offer and was hostile to the nurses. Then, I think through her dementia she became accepting and very 'sweet'. She was not well again last week or so, so I was going up every day and taking her treats etc.

Last night we went to visit and she reverted to her old way...after she ate the treat we gave her and I put her clean laundry in her drawers, she became very nasty again, telling us to take her home. She pulled the sheets off and told me to get her clothes. When I told her it was impossible, she yelled at me, told my husband to take it home 'now!' then refused to speak to me (again).

I have no resources or help to ever consider taking her home again. The doctors, nurses and everyone has told me it is impossible to care for her at home without compromising her health and it was mentally and physically impossible for me. Going home is no longer an option.

So, why when she is so mean to me does it bother me so much? Guilt?

It also bothers me a lot that she cares so little about what she does to my life.

It's not as though my mother has always been there when I needed her. I should not feel so guilty and bad when she does her number on me....so why do I?

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You are Right!
by: Anonymous

Yes, it's been a while now but, you are right. I know I did the very best I possibly could. My mother died May 14th. I was there every day and when she passed I was there with her to help her through. When I told her it was okay to go...she did.

I know I will need some time to come to terms with everything. I was her anchor for 18 years since my dad passed and I gave her physical care and most of my time during the last year. What more could I have done.

Even when she was mean, I was positive. When I was cheery she would ask 'what do you have to be so happy about?' and I would answer, 'you'. I won't lie. It was hard and I would probably do things differently a bit. But hind-sight is a beautiful thing, eh?

I miss her. She was in my life all my life and losing the last parent is an over-whelming thing. I will keep giving advice on this site from time to time because I have a wealth of experience to give. I used to nurse in a nursing home and boy, do I have a clearer understanding of the families of the residents in care now!

Thanks for your words...your true words.

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GUILT
by: Anonymous

It sounds as if the condition your mom is in, she has no idea of the good you are doing. But you know what you are doing and you know why you are doing it.

Step way back and see the forest for the trees. Look at who you are in the world, what you are doing, how you do it and why you do it. You may be too close to the situation to separate your life from your moms. Zoom back your perspective and observe yourself and others and be the person you want to be in the world.

Your guilt has nothing to do with what you are doing or not doing for you mom. It has everything to do with how you feel about yourself. You only have to answer to your own set of standards in regards to how you treat people. If you can get your actions lined up with your feelings, you will lose the guilt.

In the end, it is only ourselves that we have to live with everyday. You may not have much time to reconcile, not with your mom, but within yourself regarding your feelings about your situation.
It may seem backwards, but focus on your feelings for a change, and get straight within yourself. Be honest and clear up all your issues within you, because when your mom passes, you will be living with yourself for a long time.

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