Today is my birthday and I'm feeling depressed. I've told the readers of this forum a lot about my mother and myself by extension. As I've stated, about a month ago my mother had to be hospitalized as she was becoming very sick at home and I could no longer care for her.
She is not mobile at all, cannot even stand and I don't know if I mentioned she has also a lot of dementia. She is now in long term care in our local hospital. At first Mom was extremely angry that she had to go back into the hospital (almost died at home) and she was in intensive care for 10 days but she made it clear at that time that she absolutely hated me for her being there.
She was smoking a lot at home and thanks to her elderly friend, she was drinking a lot also. But, it was 'my fault' she had to go in. She treated me like dirt. In hospital she fired the best doctor our area has to offer and was hostile to the nurses. Then, I think through her dementia she became accepting and very 'sweet'. She was not well again last week or so, so I was going up every day and taking her treats etc.
Last night we went to visit and she reverted to her old way...after she ate the treat we gave her and I put her clean laundry in her drawers, she became very nasty again, telling us to take her home. She pulled the sheets off and told me to get her clothes. When I told her it was impossible, she yelled at me, told my husband to take it home 'now!' then refused to speak to me (again).
I have no resources or help to ever consider taking her home again. The doctors, nurses and everyone has told me it is impossible to care for her at home without compromising her health and it was mentally and physically impossible for me. Going home is no longer an option.
So, why when she is so mean to me does it bother me so much? Guilt?
It also bothers me a lot that she cares so little about what she does to my life.
It's not as though my mother has always been there when I needed her. I should not feel so guilty and bad when she does her number on me....so why do I?