Unsure What to Do

by Debbie

My mother has problems with peripheral vascular disease linked to an underlying condition of lupus (sle). She's had ongoing medical problems for several years.

Reading other people's stories, I feel a bit guilty because I'm not doing as much as so many, but I'm exhausted with what I am doing and very resentful of my brother and sister's attitude.

My mum had one leg amputated above the knee 2.5 years ago and was in and out of hospital. She then went into a nursing home for a few months, as she was too ill to live on her own. But she's extremely stubborn and she wanted to go home - this being an upstairs apartment and she can't walk and is in a wheelchair.

So she went home - I organised carers, but had to keep going round (over 1/2 hour drive) because she'd forget to take medicine etc. I work full time and have my own family. My husband's been brilliant and my children were helpful before they left home recently. I managed to get my mum moved to a sheltered flat on the ground floor adapted for a wheelchair, but she's not happy - she doesn't like where the flat is, she doesn't like her neighbours.

She wants me to find her somewhere else - it was so hard to get this apartment in the first place and I feel so angry that she is so unappreciative of what I'm doing for her.

The disease has started in her other foot and she's now had to have an amputation of part of that. My sister lives a couple of hours away and doesn't come, but makes things difficult by writing nasty letters to my mother
and upsetting her - which just impacts on me.

My brother lives in Australia and he comes to visit once a year - big deal to my mother and he becomes the saint whilst doing very little, while what I do every day is just taken for granted.

She's been in and out of hospital for a month after this operation and I've insisted she go into a nursing home, which she can afford, for a few weeks convalescence. I've been ill almost continuously for the last 6 weeks - with bronchitis and putting my back out by lifting her, my blood pressure has rocketed; I've put on lots of weight - purely down to the stress etc of what I'm doing for her.

My brother and sister are now making a fuss about her being in the nursing home "her money will go really quickly" - they're only really bothered about their "inheritance". They couldn't care less if I dropped down dead, as long as I do it just after my mother dies so that she doesn't spend "their" money in a nursing home.

Also my mother is fussing about coming out of the nursing home - she can't even transfer to the toilet independently. She has half a foot.

This has been a really good way to vent my anger and frustration and I've decided that my own life is worth more to me.

My mother's had her life and her opportunity, and I'm not going to be guilt-tripped into giving up what may be years of my own life, particularly at a time when for my husband and I, with our children having just left home, we should be at a good time for ourselves.

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by: Anonymous

Eight years of trying so hard to be and do everything i can for her. And now I resent everything I know still needs to be done.

I am distancing myself from her, and the tears flow. She is my Mom, I love her and I am so afraid that I will be the one who leaves this world first.

I feel you pain
by: Anonymous

You have to put aside what she wants, it is so hard to do! You have responsibilities with your own family. You have a responsibility to help you mother but not give in to her demands.

I have had a lot of problems with my health just like you I had H1N1 flu which has developed into pneumonia. So I can understand.

My mother tells me that her son has done so much more for her than I have. So I said let him do everything! Yes I feel guilty, and she said she was sorry that I do a lot for her but enough is enough, I'm tired of being angry blowing up crying and then apologies come next.

I have let my brother take over for several months and I'm getting better. My mother now says thank you when I do something.

Stay strong and do the best you can if it isn't good enough say I'm sorry that is all I can do for you.

Stay Strong!
by: Anonymous

In the beginning of your post, you felt guilty and exhausted. Toward the middle, you were angry and frustrated. But by the end, you had found your strength. Stay STRONG!

You're obviously a giving, compassionate person.

There has to be a balance in these care giving positions. If not, we go under, and those around us will watch us go under. Your emotional health is over the edge already and your physical health is close to critical.

I think we start out in these situations taking care of whatever arises, but as time goes by, we get deeper and deeper into that hole and we are so focused on the next issue we don't realize we can no longer see the light and we are buried alive.

Do an intervention on your situation and save yourself. Find a way, any way, something, anything, that will work to keep you sane and healthy so that you can survive the life you are living now, and after mom dies, you still have something to live for.

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