Unless you're a Caretaker, you do not Understand

My husband and I have been taking care of my mom for years. First in her apt for 5 years and now she has been living with us for a year (she's 85).

Things are not good here and haven't been for awhile, but you all know what I mean.
We do the best we can but it's stressful and frustrating doing this.

Well my brother called to ask my husband for a favor. It was a bad time to do this because my husband blew up at him and hung up the phone. He said enough is enough.

My brother and other siblings don't help out with my mom and my husband has had it with my family because of this

My brother called me back and wanted to know why my husband is so upset. I tried to explain it to him, how hard it is for us to be the ones to handle all of this without his help or the the help of the others,
HE just didn't understand at all. He never will either because he is not in this position.

Unless you have done this, you can't imagine what is involved or how it affects your life.

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Better Words Never Spoken
by: Anonymous

You are so right. I’ve been taking care of my mom for eight years. I’ve tried to keep my brother in the loop, explaining everything that is going on, always have him up to date on everything. And he still doesn’t get it. And he never will. The one thing he says all the time to me is "you’re amazing." And then its Bye now. Catch you later.

We cannot bring our siblings in to help us because they are not the same kind of people that we are. And they never will be. It’s not in their personality, it’s not their character, it’s not who they are.

Today is Thanksgiving. I get a text message from my brother saying happy Thanksgiving. I tell him I called 911 on mom last night because she was nauseous and vomiting. He writes back a couple comments. And then I explained that I had to wash the bed sheets three times during the night. And now hes done with the conversation and I don’t hear back from him again.

I guess he had to go put the turkey in the oven or feed the dog. I don't know. I feel like when this situation gets down to the nitty-gritty he can’t handle it. And I have to stop expecting him to be someone he’s not, and just know that I am a person who can handle it.

I’m done with useless expectations. My advice to all of you, just let it go.

you're right
by: Anonymous

You are exactly right. People have no clue. They don't understand how your life has turned upside down, you never have time alone anymore,. and basically you have given up your independence so that someone else can maintain theirs.

When I had my mom move in two years ago even I had no idea. It's hard enough when you've lived your life independently and even just someone comes and stays awhile, but throw in the confusion and oddities of dementia, old age, and Alzheimer's and it becomes a daily boiler keg.

I've learned to just not rock the boat and given up just about everything I used to do which causes inner rage that eats you alive. For instance, I dreamed when I worked of dark rainy days when I could grab a throw, cuddle up with my dog on the couch and binge watch TV. I tried it once.

It's something out of the ordinary so it brought on questions and because she can't remember she asked them before, she asks them twenty times until you're just ready to cry and give up. "Are you sick? Why are you on the couch? Aren't you getting dressed today? Do you need to go to the doctor?" and on and on and on.

I feel like I'm also 87 years old just living with her. Nightgowns must be on by 7:00 and if I stay up after she goes to bed she keeps getting up, aren't you going to bed? Just leave me alone!

Lately she's mixing up her days and nights so we rarely sleep past one in the morning anymore. Naps are at noon and if I don't take one then she won't either and she needs one.

Sigh............I get out once a week to get groceries. It's a treat to go to Walmart, but then when I get back I'm met with, "You were gone all day! What did you do, buy the whole store?"

I don't have siblings to even ask in sharing this and if I were you I would be furious that it was all put on me. From other posts on here, that seems to be a very common problem and then at the end those are the people holding their hand out the quickest for what they think they deserve.

Hang in there. I will because we just have to. My motto in life these days: It is what it is.

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