Trying to Take Care of 85 yr old Mother when 89 yr old Father will not Let You.

by Sue
(Buffalo, NY)

My father has been verbally & emotionally abusive for all of my 58 yrs. Not just to me, but also to my mother. He is now 89 yr. old, she is 85 yr. old. My mother never stood up for herself or any of her 4 daughters. The abuse was bad enough that all 4 of us are still terrified of upsetting him.

Isn't that ridiculous!!

He is still driving even though he has had multiple "small" accidents. I have attempted to enlist the doctor's help to revoke his license. It is now going on 3 months & still no help. I went to the police station to see if I could legally just take his keys. No. Meanwhile I am terrified that he is going to kill someone.

My mother is no longer able to cook or clean. It took years for him to allow any help. "I have 4 daughters, why should I pay someone?"

We have been cooking meals & bringing them in, but he won't eat them because they are "leftovers". We are running in 4 - 5 times a week from 30 miles away even in severe weather because he won't let us bring in more than 2 meals at a time.

I am angry & frustrated. If it wasn't for my mother, I would stop helping. But I am angry with her for never standing up for herself or for us. She actually throws us under the bus so she won't have to deal with him.

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Just Do It
by: Anonymous

Do what you need to do. Bring in the extra food, if he gets hungry enough he will eat it. Be the One person in the family who finally stands up to him. You will be doing it for everyone, including your mom.

You don't have to scream or yell, just do what you know is fair for everyone, not just him. He's going to yell at you no matter what you do, so quietly start doing what you need to do to take of mom, him also, and yourself.

There is a middle road of compromise, take it, even if you go down it all by yourself. You set the limits and boundaries. It's not easy to bring yourself into the equation when you have all these set patterns in place. But you will feel so much better.

Imagine your dad already gone, and now you are looking back and thinking "you know what I should have done?" And then start doing that very thing.

Meals on Wheels
by: Anonymous

If it were me? I would stand up to him. Be strong and direct. Firm. Don't let him bully you anymore.

And, by the way, it is very nice of you to bring meals over and he is lucky to have you for a daughter. If he doesn't appreciate it, call Meals on Wheels and MAYBE BRING ENOUGH FOOD FOR 1 OR 2 DAYS AND HAVE MEALS on wheels fill in the rest of the week. Do whatever you have to do to make things easier.Good luck.

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