Trapped, Fed up and Angry (raging angry at times)

by Joan
(Fresno, CA USA)

I'm angry because my only living retired and nearby sibling never offers help monetarily or by taking the burden off me for a few days or a week to recuperate.

I have been spending every night in the last seven months sleeping at my mother's house, taking her to doctor's, outings, cleaning house, buying food, cooking, etc., and the hardest part -- her endless complaining and whining and wishing she were dead.

I've communicated my feelings to this sibling several times. The only answer I get is "I'll see what I can do". And that's been nothing.

On top of that I have a hefty mortgage on my own house, a retired and sick spouse who can tribute very little financially anymore, along with my MIL, who is demented, that just moved in for the second time because she's in her 90's and has just about exhausted all her money paying for assisted living in the last 8 years.

I'm between a rock and a hard place. I have one of two options. File for divorce and have spouse and Mother In Law move so I rent the house before going into foreclosure. I cannot live there and at my mother's at the same time.

OR let them stay there while I continue to pay most of the mortgage with the remainder of my retirement money I have left, as I cannot hold a job in the predicament I'm in right now. I bought house before marriage and hold title. Yes, I can file papers and legally have them move out. There's no equity either.

Between the two of them, they have $3000 SS a month; I have zero income. My mother is 89 has very little money. My husband and I don't see eye to eye anymore either, so me even living with him and his mother in my own house is out of the question. He's controlling. We rarely speak to each other and his mother barely knows who I am.

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Get Moving and Take Care of Your Business
by: Anonymous

Not gonna sugar coat this: Put your husband and MIL out. They can manage adequately within their combined resources. They certainly are not going to as long as you are giving them a free ride.

Why you continue to do so when they make no contribution is an issue you really need to address about yourself. No need to continue to play the victim - put yourself first, your mother second, and let the others fend for themselves.

Simple. You either do it or you don't. If you don't, suck it up, stop whining, and learn to enjoy being a martyr. Sorry to be so abrupt, but sounds as if you need a wake up call. Good luck.

Go for It
by: Anonymous

Dear Joan.
I say go for it and file for a divorce, you be in control, let your spouse and his mother `get on with it`.
Good luck

Please Seek Help
by: Anonymous

First I must say, that I can relate to your feelings....I too am a caregiver, although my MOm stays with me and my husband as my Dad is living in the home that once was hers, only to be run down once he retired, he is a hoarder and just not a good environmnet.

Long story about my situation. But yours is really overwhelming I can tell, by reading. You not only have an ailing Mom but husband AND MIL. God bless you! I am really thinking that you need to make an appointment with either a counselor or a social worker.

Tell them your predicament and I think you can get some things worked out. You can bear this alone. And I would make the appointment and let your sibling know when it is, and that you will be needing him to come over and sit with Mom while you go....

Please seek help. I am also at the end of rope with siblings not helping. As a matter of fact, I have to beg and if I let them know it really is a disgrace they wont' help, they get angry at me. I am the villian it seems.

And all I have asked for,is a chance to "recharge my batteries "so that I can be a better caregiver. It really is hard. My husband even left once because it was stressing him out so much. Now he is saying he thinks my family just doesn't care. Maybe he is right.

They can't sacrifice a weekend. They can't sacrifice so many of their plans, but it's like I told them, they can do all that AFTER she is gone...terminal illness.

I will be praying for you to have a new start have the strength to do what you do....and for a support system to be in place for YOU!

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