Too Alone in This for Too Long
This morning, having my coffee, out of the blue, I had a panic attack. I felt lightheaded, nauseous, high anxiety. I had to stop everything and go lay down for a while. I'm pretty sure i know what it was that triggered it. Yesterday I visited with my cousin. We have a type of cancer that runs in the family. She told me she gets tested every year.
When I told her I’ve never been tested she urged me to go and offered to go with me. All of a sudden the possibility of an entire health crisis and my own demise loomed before me. I hate doctors and anything medical.
I am giving everything i have within me to keep up mom and her life. I do it all and i do it alone.
The idea of anything being wrong with me health wise and not being able to go live my life fully with my health after this is done terrifies me. If I was to have nothing after all this, I don’t know what I would do.
It makes me not want to even go to the doctor and find out. Ive been waiting for so long, seven years. I truly cant do this anymore. There is no way out but moms death and she just lingers.
Please God help me. Im at your mercy. Ive done everything you've told me to do and I've done it to the best of my ability. Please don't take away whats left of my life. Please release me from this part of my journey.
I've learned so much and im grateful for that, but please don't take everything from me. Please take mom and let me move forward. Let me move forward while i still have my health, my vitality, my love to give and receive. My faith and trust is in you. Thy Will be done. But please help me do it. Amen.