Too Alone in This for Too Long

This morning, having my coffee, out of the blue, I had a panic attack. I felt lightheaded, nauseous, high anxiety. I had to stop everything and go lay down for a while. I'm pretty sure i know what it was that triggered it. Yesterday I visited with my cousin. We have a type of cancer that runs in the family. She told me she gets tested every year.

When I told her I’ve never been tested she urged me to go and offered to go with me. All of a sudden the possibility of an entire health crisis and my own demise loomed before me. I hate doctors and anything medical.

I am giving everything i have within me to keep up mom and her life. I do it all and i do it alone.

The idea of anything being wrong with me health wise and not being able to go live my life fully with my health after this is done terrifies me. If I was to have nothing after all this, I don’t know what I would do.

It makes me not want to even go to the doctor and find out. Ive been waiting for so long, seven years. I truly cant do this anymore. There is no way out but moms death and she just lingers.

Please God help me. Im at your mercy. Ive done everything you've told me to do and I've done it to the best of my ability. Please don't take away whats left of my life. Please release me from this part of my journey.

I've learned so much and im grateful for that, but please don't take everything from me. Please take mom and let me move forward. Let me move forward while i still have my health, my vitality, my love to give and receive. My faith and trust is in you. Thy Will be done. But please help me do it. Amen.

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You can still move forward
by: Gina

I'm so sorry for your situation -- solo caregiving is extremely difficult. But it is essential that you make yourself do some problem solving, which I think you should be able to.

Take a deep breath and make one small type of progress every day.

1) Take your cousin up on her offer. Make an appointment for yourself. You MUST deal with your reality or things WILL just get worse.

Depending on the outcome of your appointment:

2) Celebrate good news! or,

3) Make a plan for how you will deal with any health issue (with your cousin who probably knows the drill)

4) Your options will depend upon
- how much money you and your mom have
- where you live (urban areas have better access to services than very rural areas and poor counties)

5) Get yourself involved with a group (place or worship, volunteer, etc) This gets you out of your own head. If you can't leave your mom, see if there are any social services available for elder-sitting services or ask a friend to hang with her.

6) You are not responsible to care for your mom beyond what you are able: based on her finances you may want to see if there is a loving care facility near you where she can go.

Don't feel guilty about this, especially if you are having health issues. People tend to romanticize aging and your mother's generation have a terrible memory of nursing homes (yes, they were crappy back then but are much different nowadays). She may need to qualify for Medicaid to go into a decent one.

I assure you I did this with my mom-in-law and she is now in a very nice facility getting great care and with plenty of social interaction -- all on Medicaid -- she gets the same care as the people paying out of their own pockets.

Comment back and let us know how it's going...I'm sure others have some more helpful advice and encouragement to offer you. Good luck!

About caregiver self neglect
by: Anonymous

It’s been said that caregivers are up to 3 times as likely to die of stress related illness that non caregivers (different info sources/variable statistics).

In many cases the caregiver dies before the care recipient does. Hmm, (care giver) no freedom, no money, no help and own life revolves around a tyrant. Is an early demise is really a bad thing? Is it possible that caregiver "self neglect" passive suicide (may or may not realize the harm)? Why live longer for someone else’s convenience or selfish whims?

I am in NO way suggesting or encouraging harm to self or others (please DON’T), but doesn’t this some times make you wonder about the self neglect many caregivers are guilty of?

by: Greenacres

Amen. I really and truly think that God doesn't give you any more than you can handle. Keep your mind strong. You have no choice but to get through this. Think of the alternative. You just said you wanted love and have love to give.

I pray you don't have the cancer gene and you pray too. Eat healthy with plenty of vegetables and fiber. Try not to worry about the what if's. Do you get any emotional support?

It's very important not to hold things in. I've heard it so many times in my life, but now it really makes sense with what I and a lot of others are going through in what I always thought was going to be a happy time in my life.

I can't take any more stress, but it just keeps coming. Why are you in this alone? No other family? Keep coming back and just vent. Misery loves company!

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