Comments for To Move Closer or Move my mom

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Give it time
by: Bittersweet

I think your mom needs a generous adjustment period. The fact that she has been with you for a while is a huge step in my opinion. As far as her deciding where to live..I would just let time take its course.

Day by day she will get more comfortable in your home, the crying will stop and she will accept her situation. To put a humorous spin on it; she's the house guest that never left!

But that's OK because it is what you were struggling with. She will get to the point where she feels like she is home with you and your family. If my opinion matters, (JK) I think you are doing all the right things.
Good luck and keeps us updated.

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Update
by: Anonymous

For now she is in our home. Before coming here, I was able to take her to an attorney to get her will, POA, and advanced directive completed because she had none of that.

The lawyer gave the POA to her and told her to give it to me when she was ready. Right now when bills coming in, I write them out but she signs them.

I am making sure that the I stay on top of the attorney about probate. I think once the probate is done, that's when I will have to have the hard talk to her about moving down here permanently.

I think she is having a hard time because she thought that she would be able to find a caregiver that would help her in the home.

The thing is that she needs more than a caregiver. The person would have to do everything. Get her up, cook, laundry, pay bills, make decisions.

There is no one and I mean no one up back there that I would trust that could fill that role.

Assisted living is not an option because my husband already told my mom that that was not an option. Plus my mom still has some faculties about her.

Maybe I need to re-think this though. Maybe if she had an apartment or space down here that might be a compromise. Right now, someone comes in the our home while I am at work. Then they leave and I (and my husband) are home.

I just want her to be more comfortable with being here. She is not mean or abusive but I now she wants to go back her house. She more interaction with people here. She has been out of the house more since she has been here.

She has more space here. She has her own room here. If she goes back, she will just be in that house. Last Thursday, she was crying and crying. One of her good friends asked her if I was taking care of her and she said yes. Then she started crying.

I know this will be a process. Glad that I can vent here. I am open to any and all feedback.

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It's a hard decision
by: Anonymous

Since you've stated that your mom "does not want to move" she will surely resent you if you move her. But here's the problem. How easy will it be if you give up everything you have for her?

You said " My family, job, life are in the other state." You don't know how long your mom will continue to live. Are you willing to commit to be away from your family for 1 year? 2 years? 5 years?

Are you ready to be basically forcibly retired? Can you afford to be without employment to care for your mom? You've lived far from your mom for a while; do you think you'll be able to be in close proximity and get along well?

And why is assisted living not an option? Is a financial issue? Could you get caregivers to come into her home or has she just put her foot down about it? I've been through all this, so I'm just trying to help you with things to think about. Hugs for you and prayers that you come up with a solution that works.

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It Ain't Over!!
by: Greenacres

Oh my heart goes out to you...Hope things don't get too nasty. that's all for now. Hope you stay with us!!!

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Update
by: Anonymous

1-2-20
Update
This is hard as hell. I am back to work. I have a caregiver that comes in during the day to get my mom up and dressed and such. Mom is reaching out to "old friends" and asking them if they know of a caregiver.

I will not let her go home unless she has a caregiver. Two major issues with this. 1) Not sure what she would be doing if she were back at the house other than her being in the same four walls; and 2) I told her that even if someone gave her a name of a person, it still would have to be someone that I would know and trust because in essence they would be a live-in person with mom.

If there was no one there when dad first passed away, what in the hell makes her think that I am going to be okay with just anyone now?

I thought the holidays were going to be tough but this seems to be getting a little tougher than what I thought. On top of all this, there was no will so we have to go through probate!

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Enlist the help of the doctor(s)
by: Anonymous

When my mom (88 and legally blind) needed to be in an assisted living because she just about did me in (literally) her doctors recognized the situation and recommended assisted living by saying she had to be there or Medicare wouldn't pay for her last hospital visit(10 days) and subsequent rehab. that was about two years ago.

Now she complains that I'm making her stay there but I just can't physically or mentally take care of her any more. We've had conversations in which I tell her she can go home with other caregivers but refuses to do so.

The doctors tell her she is where she needs to be. Maybe you need to talk to your mo's doctors and see what they think about mom being on her own. Mom might listen to them over you.

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Update -Visit not move
by: Shaunice

So here is an update. Mom said that she would visit but is adamant about not moving. She is in her early 60s. The results of the stroke from 04 left her with limited motion on one side.

I am having someone to come in and help since a facility is not an option, nor was I considering it.

She came with me to visit and I’m trying to get some grief counseling and a few other things but I’m running into the question of is she going to be here or going back.

There is nothing for her to go back to but memories. For the most part, she has her mind but is limited physically. Who makes the decision about if she goes back or not?

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To Move
by: steve

If I were you, personally I would move your Mom. You sound as if your life is well rooted and your job and family and friends are near you, that is where you should stay.

Once your mom is settled in and a routine established, things should sail smoothly from there. As long as she is comfortable and cared for, that should be more than she can hope for!

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resentment
by: Greenacres

All I can tell you is my experience with my family and in-law family and what I have personally experienced. YES there WILL be resentment.

If you want details, just ask. Think about it and remember your life too, don't lose yourself. There will be repercussions that you could never possibly thought could happen with mom and siblings. It is a nightmare for me and very hard to let go.

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Don't uproot
by: Bittersweet

Either way there will be resentment, she will resent you or you will resent her. But I urge you NOT to give up your home, job, your friends and uproot your family. Move Mom in with you and make her as welcome and comfortable as possible. She'll get over it. You're doing more than enough by taking her in, you shouldn't have to make ALL the sacrifices.

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that's a very hard situation
by: Anonymous

I understand your mom's desire not to move or be in an assisted living. You don't say how old she is or what her other health issues are and whether she could remain in her home with in-home care since she doesn't want to be in an assisted living. You said that your "family, job, life are in the other state".

Are you really prepared to give all that up? I understand you want to help your mom, but you have to consider a balance of potentially losing your future to her current needs. I agree with another comment posted - there needs to be quite a bit of discussion and thought before anything is done.

I've given up so much for my mom over the years - in some ways I'm happy that I did but at the same time I truly wish I'd thought through the consequences of what I was doing then for my future. I would have handled things somewhat differently, as I can honestly say I do have some regrets....

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Great but very tough question
by: Anonymous

Setting expectations is a rough task....sounds as if you have some discussions ahead of you...the reality of these type situations can only be realized through frank talks and blunt thought processes.

Sounds to me that even if you did move her closer to where you live, you may not be able to do all of the tasks necessary for adequate care....could it be that your work/life balance may be at risk?

Take some time to think it over and try to care for her there for a few days then ask yourself if you could do this while working and having a life...could be the only option is assisted living...IMHO

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