Tired of Pollyanna

by Third Sister

One thing that really irritates me is hearing from others that, no matter how much of a sacrifice this is now, I'll never regret "doing the right thing" for my mother.

I think that's bull...t. I will regret giving up years of my life and all my opportunities and possibilities for this period of my life in order to care for someone who made no provisions for her old age other than unpaid labor from her children.

I regret it already and I'm not even living with her full time yet. This is my last chance to have a good life, and my first chance to live life without a demanding job sucking me dry, and I would like to have that chance.

My mom is 80 years old and she's had 20+ years of retirement where she didn't have to work or care for anyone but herself. I would like those 20 years for myself, too. I will not feel happy and satisfied in the end if I sacrifice all my chances to make her final years as comfortable and nice as possible.

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Resenting being so resentful!!
by: Anonymous

I am a daughter-in-law who has been resentful for sometime now. My husband and I busted our butts during our careers, usually each of us working 80 or more hours a week (my husband usually over 100).

We were able to retire early, but as soon as my husband did, he started having to care for his mother. She died, and for the next ten years, we've been providing most of the care for his father.

The only other brother, being a teacher, enjoyed having every summer of his adult life off to do with as he chose. Now that he wants to retire and isn't able to do so, we are expected to keep on being the main providers, since, after all "We are retired!" My husband says he wishes he had never retired and I'm feeling the same way.

I see us getting older and not being able to take a week's vacation, much less travel like we wanted.

I find myself wishing my father-in-law would just go ahead and die. He has melanoma, end-stage heart and lung disease, but I see no end in sight. I feel that I must be the most awful person in the world. By the time we are finished with our duties of caring for him, we'll be too tired and old to do things we've always wanted to do.

We want the brother and sister-in-law to step up to the plate (even if they are working) and offer to do more. As it is, we've had to put our foot down to get even a little help from them. Poor little brother-in-law, he still has to work--he can't retire (even though he works about 3-1/2 days a week).

I know I sound hateful and despicable, but I'm in a mood at the moment that I don't care. I just want my husband to get the rest he needs and for us to be able to enjoy a little of our retirement years.

Everyone says enjoy the time you have left with him, he won't be around a lot longer. I feel like in the last 10+ years, we've said everything we need to say to him and done everything we need to do for him. I'm ready for the next stage of our life.

Love my Mum, But
by: Anonymous

I am in the situation where we have made many changes to our lives in order to be near my sick mother (lung cancer).

My husband and I are in our late 20's/early 30's, and have both given up great job opportunities in order to be close to my mum. He drives 1 hour to work each day, so I can be close to her so that I can help her out.

We got married last year, and because she didn't want the noise/rush of a moderate wedding (20-30 guests). We ended up having a court house wedding with 8 people, and cups of tea at her house afterwards. She was complaining the whole time.

My sister graduated from Uni, and she didn't attend or even take any interest. I graduated from Graduate Schools a few years earlier, and her response was-'why go at all-you already graduated-who is going to take care of me'.

If anyone is sick or ill, it doesn't matter, because she has cancer. Anything seems to be about her. Major events in our lives have become insignificant because she has cancer.

I know that we are going to look back at this time of our lives, as one were we didn't get the chance to really live our own lives, and enjoy them.

Thank you
by: Anonymous

I feel horrible because my situation is different as my mom is dying of cancer but I still feel angry and resentful that I had to put my life on hold!

I have been doing everything for her for 10 months and now she is bedridden. I am dealing with bedpans and throwing up in the bed all day long and a lot of nights. We do have at-home hospice that sends a nurse twice a week to check her and a CNA to bathe her. They say that she may last for many more months but I don't see how I can keep doing this for months!

At 3 a.m. when I've had to wake up and do the bedpan thing and clean up vomit I actually wish that one of us would die! It makes me feel like a devil!

Thank you
by: Torn and Worn

I was visualizing killing myself in the back yard this morning, I have a gun, it would be so easy to just do it and make these past 2 years end. It's the only end I can see right now.

Searching for help and feeling ashamed of my feeling for taking full time care of both parents, I took to this site and after reading others are feeling and going through the exact same thing I'm doing. Well...

I was able to just BREATH.

Thank you for writing your most personal thoughts for others to view. Saved my life today.

by: Anonymous

I'm tired of people saying what a great thing I'm doing, as they go out the door, with a wink and a nod, secure in the knowledge I'm being the dutiful daughter as deemed.

It has only been six months since I've moved in and I'm depressed and irritable daily and this is not me. I don't mind being here for mom, I just find it unfair that I have to give up my life to do it. There was no consideration of compromise.

It was just "I need you now." If I could be in my own home, with my partner, living my own life and just helping her that would work for me. But I've had to move into her life, into her home. She is in charge as if I was still a child. So I have very limited say in anything but the responsibility of being available for everything. And, as time goes on, it's only going to get worse.

I loved the line from another message that said "Live life like the gate was left wide open."
I'm now trying to somehow incorporate something of my own into this life. The gate left open indicates imposed confinement, and if I found the gate open, what would I run to.....whatever that is, I have to bring it into my life, now.

For Pollyanna-Rethink your Decision!
by: Anonymous

I feel for you! It's an enormous undertaking,and it is a supreme sacrifice. If you are already resenting this move, how can it possibly work for you and your mother in the years to come? It can't.

It will destroy the relationship you do have with her and change your mental and physical health in the long run. Rethink your plan. There must be another way around it for your Mom's care.

To: I'm Tired Too.
by: Anonymous

I feel as if you just wrote my exact story in yours. Hopefully it will be better. I know I am feeling like a stranger in my home living with my mother. Everyone says I should be so thankful.
I am sad and miserable with no help from my brother or sister.
Prayers and Hugs to all!

Feeling Put Upon
by: Anonymous

I agree with you totally. Somehow I ended up being a primary caregiver and it has been going on for 10+years and most days I feel like my life is passing me by. My parents and in-laws poorly planned for old age as they were fully enjoying their 60s and 70s.

Now they expect us to freely do everything for them and always be there. It's irritating because they never had to do this with their own parents because they died. I tell my children constantly that I will never put them in the position that I have been put.

Youngest of Three
by: Third Sister

Hey, I feel for you. Right now I'm not on speaking terms with my oldest sister because she's mad at me for some unspecified reason and she's been sniping and bitching at me for days. She's probably annoyed that I'm not rising to my burden willingly and gladly enough.

I really feel for you when you say you're crying because you don't want to drive 40 minutes to do your Mom's chores and fill her pill container. It's just so exhausting to always be the one, and so infuriating to get no appreciation or recognition from the other siblings.

It is so say that you have to go online for support and can't get it from your siblings when it's their mother you're taking care of. That's just awful. Sorry about the birthday that wasn't - I just had one of those two, my 58th. Just wretched to feel so alone and feel like life's passing you by. I know.

Third Sister

to Pollyanna
by: Anonymous

My mom, yes, she is still with me, had an old saying: Don't go looking for trouble; it will find you soon enough.

As silly as it sounds, it will all play out the way it will play out. You will or will not care for your mom.

What I believe is likely true is that she doesn't want you caring for her any more than you want to care for her, so maybe you will both get what you want.

Whatever happens, I hope you spend your time between now and then living your life like someone has left the gate open. Relish every minute, and those you get to spend with your mom.

Best of luck to you!

by: Youngest of Three

At this very moment, I had to go on-line to find some support because my oldest brother & next in line sister are no help emotionally whatsoever!

Sadly, I'm sitting in my living room crying because I don't want to drive 40 minutes to go do my Mom's wash, her dishes and refill her pill caddy.

My brother is close by, and is the "golden boy" - thereby, does everything wonderfully in the eyes of my Mom.

Throughout my life, my Mom called me her "little apple" as we have the same likes, and did everything together.

Now, I get these feelings of resentment for her & don't get a lick of appreciation for what I do from my siblings (the hard stuff)... deal with doctors, appointments, ER visits, hospitals, moving into a retirement home ... the list goes ON! I'm primarily mad at them!!!

By far, people on this site have it much worse than I do....but I must say I DO RESENT what it takes from our lives (what lives?). I just turned 50 in December (didn't even get to celebrate), our 22 year old son is a Senior in college (empty nester's), my father-in-law just passed on 12/21/11 and my Dad passed last December on 12/8/10 - so we're caring for the Mom's now. I feel so sad that I can't even enjoy being with my Mom (my best friend before) any more. I can't stop crying :(

Thanks for listening and thank you for your article. It made me feel not so selfish after all! Who says life begins at 50... it pretty much sucks!

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