Tired of Caretaking Dad
(San Diego. CA. USA)
I was asked to move back to the folks house 12 yrs ago when they were both ill. I did so giving up my cool little apt. I kept working full time for 6 yrs while caring for them both.
Mom passed 4 1/2 yrs ago and my dad just turned 94. Dad and I have never really gotten along.
He has always been overly critical and uses his anger to gain control over others. He barks orders at me the moment he sees me which I hate. He treats me like I am 9 yrs old, often rolling his eyes at me like I am some sort of moron.
He is nearly deaf, can hardly see and gets mad when I raise my voice so he can hear me. He tortured my mother and I by refusing to use diapers for 10 yrs (no matter how much we begged)leaving us to put up with the smell of pee everywhere (including on himself) saying "what do you expect I am an old man".
I am 61 and all but one of my friends have moved away. I have no life. I can't leave house for more than 2 hrs a day, do all of the cleaning,cooking,shopping, bathing, laundry, yard work,and he wants me to entertain him too which is impossible if he can't see or hear. I cry all the time.
My friends don't know what to do for me. I am taking antidepressants. I never minded taking care of mom. I guess everyone has a favorite parent. Going on 5 yrs with him is doing me damage. I get angry and throw things now. I never used to do that. I frustrate easily making me cry hysterically for an hour or so. I don't know who I am anymore.
I have no career, no goals, no future I can begin to make a plan for. I am disappearing. My only sibling has given me time off that adds up to maybe 6 weeks in the last 5 yrs. I am sure she thinks I am just a weak person.
For a while I thought I should just cause a car accident so I could get some time off but of course that is just a stupid idea. We are well off enough for him to go into a home but that would break his heart. I guess I'll just keep hanging on to the last string. I hope it holds.