Tired of Caretaking Dad

by Wendy
(San Diego. CA. USA)

I was asked to move back to the folks house 12 yrs ago when they were both ill. I did so giving up my cool little apt. I kept working full time for 6 yrs while caring for them both.

Mom passed 4 1/2 yrs ago and my dad just turned 94. Dad and I have never really gotten along.

He has always been overly critical and uses his anger to gain control over others. He barks orders at me the moment he sees me which I hate. He treats me like I am 9 yrs old, often rolling his eyes at me like I am some sort of moron.

He is nearly deaf, can hardly see and gets mad when I raise my voice so he can hear me. He tortured my mother and I by refusing to use diapers for 10 yrs (no matter how much we begged)leaving us to put up with the smell of pee everywhere (including on himself) saying "what do you expect I am an old man".

I am 61 and all but one of my friends have moved away. I have no life. I can't leave house for more than 2 hrs a day, do all of the cleaning,cooking,shopping, bathing, laundry, yard work,and he wants me to entertain him too which is impossible if he can't see or hear. I cry all the time.

My friends don't know what to do for me. I am taking antidepressants. I never minded taking care of mom. I guess everyone has a favorite parent. Going on 5 yrs with him is doing me damage. I get angry and throw things now. I never used to do that. I frustrate easily making me cry hysterically for an hour or so. I don't know who I am anymore.

I have no career, no goals, no future I can begin to make a plan for. I am disappearing. My only sibling has given me time off that adds up to maybe 6 weeks in the last 5 yrs. I am sure she thinks I am just a weak person.

For a while I thought I should just cause a car accident so I could get some time off but of course that is just a stupid idea. We are well off enough for him to go into a home but that would break his heart. I guess I'll just keep hanging on to the last string. I hope it holds.

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Tired of Taking care of Mom
by: Janice


I hear you loud and clear. I am 65 years old, the youngest of 4 and, the baby girl. My brothers have completely disappeared.

I brought Mom to live with me and my (then) spouse when she was already 89 years old. Now she is going on 99 - I've been at it for 10 YEARS!

I leave her only to shop, etc. for a couple of hours at a time.

I find myself having too many pity parties. I'm lonely, resentful and bitter.

It feels like it's NEVER going to end and I'll be too old or sick to enjoy my FREEDOM. Which, of course, will bring it's own set of financial issues.

Anyway, we are not alone and it helps to let it out without guilt. Only us caregivers get it.

"My Cool Little Apartment..."
by: Anonymous

Your first paragraph is who you are, when you said "my cool little apartment". That is the Wendy you know. Find her! Get her back! Save her!

That is the fun, happy, secure Wendy who knows what she likes and once had her life intact and in order.
Don't disappear, don't go under.

If you can't do any drastic changes, do whatever you can. We've all been there. It's a daily grind to keep our heads above water. NOBODY, unless they are in our shoes, really knows how hard this is to do.

We are all spinning in our own little worlds, thank God for this forum that brings us all together and gives us hope.

Your life is worth living. Start living again.

Before Something Happens
by: Anonymous

It sure sounds as if you are about to snap. You are under a lot of pressure seeing no way out. "Breaking his heart" would be better than harming yourself or your dad.

Your hopelessness is understandable. Every person I know who has moved or been moved to assisted care have adjusted to their new home (some faster then others).

Reach out for help,start asking what your options are. We could no longer keep mom in her own home, it was slowly frying my brother and I with the stress of it all. She has been in assisted care for a year and is actually healthier being around more people.

Let us know how you are doing. We ALL care about you although we've never met!

YOUR life counts too!!
by: Anonymous

Gosh, you are breaking our hearts. You did enough. Put the Dad in a home already and get back your life.

You are committing a slow suicide! Let go some and take back your life, your soul, your dreams that still ask to be lived. This is a sin what you are doing to yourself. Please, please stop and love yourself.

Arrange it so you can begin again to see a therapist, take time to find friends, restart your life, and find your joy. Know that your soul is always untouched.

All that you love and crave is intact and waiting for your mind to be made up to come home to yourself. You did enough. If there are funds use them. A home will probably take care of Dad better. Let them!

Look in the mirror and say, "You have been incredible and now it is time to let go and become visible and loving to myself."

God loves you. Love yourself. Please, all of you.

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