TIME....Nobody Has Any

by Anonymous

My mom has only so much time left on earth. I have only so much time to take care of her needs, to take care of my needs. She demands my time, not wanting to know, if I have any left to give.

When I moved into her life, I left my life at the door, like a pair of muddy shoes not to be worn into the house. Anything that happens in this house, is on her time. It doesn't matter that I have a job, a girlfriend, friends, things I want to do, places I have to go, all that is left at the door with my dirty shoes.

I can almost hear her saying "Don't bring those shoes into my clean house". They will clutter, they will bring in the outside, they will be in the way. As is my life.

My calendar is marked in Red marker, Red for important, all her doctor's appointments, all her errands, all her events. I write my schedule in pencil, as in, subject-to-change.
I'm informed of her time-needs, after they are scheduled, and I dutifully walk to my calendar, get the Red marker, and write them in. Those dates are set in stone.

When my friends call to plan time together, I tell them, I can let you know as it gets closer to the date. I hardly ever make a firm commitment. When I get a job, my time gets crunched tighter and tighter, until I'm working ten hour days.

Everyone tells me, my time is just as important as my moms. And I believe that to be true. Trying to live it is another story. I, too, have only so much time left on earth. I never know when my time will be up. Maybe my time here is even shorter than hers.

We think we have it all figured out, but it doesn't work that way.
Ah, time....it's ticking as I type. One second per word.
Today's time is laid out, a new plan, that just developed within the last ten minutes. I wish I had more time to write, but I have to go change my calendar.

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Dear Time ...Nobody Has Any
by: Anonymous

Wow! What a timely essay! You are a great writer!
I too have the 'mom's stuff' written in more like set in stone (but I have to use pencil on her stuff too since doctor's office staff think it is no big deal to change mom's appointments last minute!) and work my schedule around hers.

People who are trying to be helpful cheerfully say, "remember to make time for yourself" (I have even done that here) but I find that even when I make time for myself once I am back with my mom I feel as if I have never left. I am tired and get frustrated with little things. To top it off my brother (who also helps mom a lot) and I don't speak now. Just short sentences to get the point across.

It feels like he thinks he is the only one who is doing any of this caregiving right.
I feel for you, Time, I am self employed (with real income!) but people seem to see "self employed" as "Oh, then you have all the time in the world to do everything for mom". It is just the opposite and every time I do something for mom I lose money that I could be making.
What a mess.

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