Time Keeps on Slipping, Slipping, Slipping Into the Future...

Taking care of mom is hard enough in itself, but it’s putting my life on hold that bothers me the most. I’m not married, but I’m not single. I have someone waiting for me 300 miles away that I’m lucky to see twice a year. Only when my brother comes from out of state am I able to get away.

My partner also cares for an elderly parent, thus is also trapped unless someone volunteers to step in. This is my life that no one acknowledges. I moved in with mom when she was 90. She is now 98. They all tell me how “awesome” I am for taking care of mom.

I hate that word now. Not once have they ever talked about the 8-and-counting missed years of my life. They just assume that this is my life, as if by choice. In the meantime, my partner and I have aged 8 years!

Imagine what we are missing out on. This is the part they don’t get. This is the part that depresses me the most. The fact that they don’t see me as a person who has another life I’m waiting to live. How can they not see me in all this??

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Yes to that
by: Cindy

I read somewhere that caregiving will take 6-8 years off of the caregiver's life and I believe it. The emotional stress that I live with every day is exhausting.

I've been caring for my now 92 year old mother for 15 years. I brought her to live with me over 18 months ago. The whole ball of wax has left me struggling to avoid a full-blown depression.

I'm 60 years old now and have such a desire to live...to just live...to travel and go out for coffee or lunch with friends but I can't because she will not allow anyone else to help her but me.

I do have a loser brother who never darkens the door, so he doesn't count in this. People who have never done this have no idea.

Been here before
by: Steve

I understand completely the frustrations people are having in their own stories. I have been here before. (Not this website, but as a care giver)

My father was diagnosed with cancer and given two years to live. He died after a year and a half in 1996.
My mother was then diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and given two years to live. She died in 1998.
They died in their mid 60's right when my dad retired from his corporate career.
I played a large part in their early death by my own personal problems affecting their health.

My best friend died when he was in his late thirties in 2002 after a long battle with chronic pain from an auto accident. He was addicted to opiods when he committed suicide.

His mother helped me with my mom's terminal diagnosis, and I helped her with her son's illness. We have known each other for over thirty years. She is 84 now, I am fifty five. We moved from Florida to Georgia in 2007 to be closer to her first born son.

She has her own medical issues now and I am her twenty four hour a day caregiver. it has been just me and our four rescue dogs.

Some of you have it a lot tougher than I do, but we are all basically in the same boat. Not wanting to abandon the person we love and care for, but at the same time, losing our marbles by trying our best to give the best possible care we can. In the end, it is never a win win situation. But I do know, after the end comes and goes, we know we did our best and God will take of us for being there when they needed us.

But when you're in the thick of it, it can become so overwhelming you just want to scream, and sometimes that is exactly what we do. And then we get labeled as a crazy person for acting out.

My own health is now being affected, and I do not know what to do next. I hate the fact that if I ask for help, her family will come in and try to put her in a home, which they have indicated years ago. Or they will try to take charge and do things their way without respect to my friends wishes or my own.

It always feels like a no win win situation no matter what I choose. That's why I keep plugging along on my own, knowing one day, things will sort themselves out, one way or another.

hang in there everyone
by: dawn infinity

I've read everyone's stories , i honestly didn't know there's so many caregivers are in about the same boat I'm in , i have devoted my life to my elderly mom she is cranky , demanding , if i don't jump to it she thinks i don't care i get her everything she needs when she runs out of anything I'm always to the rescue ,

i wish there was a convection we caregivers to retreat to for a few days relax chat have fun charge our batteries that would be nice to take a break from it all believe me if i was very rich i would build one & we would hav fun &relax. that would be nice after all we do &put up with plus raise our kids take care of our husbands.

well me &my husbands divorced but i we are still friends , just hang in there everyone. like i say caregiving is not for the faint of heart we walk a hard line we are powerful we are strong , even if we don't feel like we are. we are hugs to each &everyone.

why do you have to be the one to do all the work
by: Anonymous

My God, it sounds like a terrible undertaking to take care of an aging parent. Why cant you just put them in a home even if it is against their will.

I feel the same way
by: Daughter is trying

Hi! I also have been taking care of my mom for 8 years! And I also have a partner who has unwillingly been dragged into this life on hold.

When I ask myself why other people abandon me in this, I think other people secretly feel: BETTER YOU THAN ME, and run the other way.

Also my only help is from a brother out of state who comes for a couple of days a few times a year. Usually when he comes, there is a big fight as he always manages to stress me out even more and say something insulting. He also goes on about how difficult it is for him to spare the time.

He is the only person who is any help. My mother is so difficult and resistant to care.

If I don't attend to her, it is sad and pathetic to see the miserable state she gets in. I feel so sorry for her and I love her. But boy have I screwed myself for I will likely have no one, and no money, to help me, when I get older, which is now rapidly coming on.

When I started this, I felt young, strong and invincible.

Now I am exhausted, and only have hope and a prayer for my future.

Not only are my boyfriend and I giving up the last somewhat youthful years of our lives , but I am also now financially at rock bottom. Future plans nonexistent I. have aged myself, gained 25 pounds, gotten numerous illness from being exposed to hospitals, social life over,

The herculean task of keeping my mother alive and in some semblance of a happy, dignified life, has been exhausting, overwhelming and I drag myself through it all, day by day, just keeping both our heads above water,

I don't see any other ways to get through this. Nobody else wants to give up their time to help. I cant imagine trying to figure out a way of getting someone to volunteer their time to do what is needed to look after her if I was to take a break of any length of time.

Who is going to help toilet an incontinent demented woman? I have her care covered 20 hours a day, I do 4 hours. And the pages on the calendar keep turning, like you said.

However, In the end, I am grateful for many things and I know this is the right thing to do.

Good luck to you.

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