Three Years I Took Care of my Mom who has Cancer, Arthritis, COPD, and Dementia with No Help from Siblings at all

by Valerie
(West Jordan Utah)

Took care of my mom for three years...I moved her in with my family and I.

I have 2 brothers and 1 sister, they did not help, seldom came to visit even. Now my brother who is the oldest and lives in Idaho decides he's all over everything.

He wanted to know if there's any money. We had money, I used it for her care, that is what it was for.

HE knows nothing of her situation. I would have loved him to get more involved when she was alive. I needed his help on numerous issues. HE would never call me back.

But now he just wants to know if there's any money for him. It made me so damn mad. When she moved in here she had money. She told me to put it in the bank account and use it for her... which I did, almost all of it.

She was well taken care of, thanks to my husband and children that helped, our home and our lives were completely changed.

Anyone of you that has taken care of an elderly parent with all the other things that come along with it can quite agree with me. It's tough and expensive.

My siblings make me so mad. I think my brothers and sister have no business at all even coming to ask my financial situation.

And my brother even wants to get an attorney and investigate what I spent on my mom when she was here, it makes me so mad. Clearly they're all about the money that is so obvious... I do not need this I'm exhausted

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Beware of Lying self entitled thieves
by: Anonymous

Mom put me as the owner of her life insurance policy and brother as primary beneficiary. Not sure if that money will be sent to me or him after she passes. Mom put me in charge of funeral arrangements and that money she is saving up is to be used only for that purpose when that time comes.

I don’t want brother to get the money because I cannot trust that he won’t "skim" some off to keep for self. He pulled some shit when dad died. The valuables that he was supposed to sell to get money for dads funeral didn’t get sold. Somehow, his young son ended up with them.

My son informed me that this little snot was showing off his "prized possessions" to him. These valuables were never willed to family. Before I knew my brothers true colors, I stupidly allowed him to take the funeral donations box to his car after dads funeral.

One of my younger siblings became very angry with me, took me aside and asked "why the f__ did you allow that!? Now I have to stick close by and watch him!" I later had a conversation with my angry sibling.

It was a revealed to me what kind of person our brother is. Me being much older than my siblings, left home when they were still in elementary school. I didn’t get to see much first hand what he was turning into.

Mom is the insured person, I am listed as the policy owner, and my brother is listed as primary beneficiary. Now that I am the OWNER of the policy, I will take him off and add my sister. I will also make it clear that nobody but the person in charge of funeral arrangements is to take possession of the donation box. Any proceeds will be counted in the presence of me and my 3 other siblings.

Ignore your brother
by: Anonymous

Only those of us who have been caregivers know how totally consuming it is. We know the truth.

I hope you can ignore your brother and save your strength for your well deserved rest.

My brother also makes me want to scream with his ignorant comments.

I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

That had to be a huge load on you and your family. It's not an easy nor cheap task and effects each one of you in the house.

At least my mother is just plain "old". She's still got her wits about her but has severe arthritis and can't use her hands very well any more nor walk well.

She still has a great sense of humor, tho, and that's what gets me thru the worst of days. Its a demanding job though, whether the parent is well or not.

Just now, for instance ... I read your comment and was starting to reply and had to stop so I could help my mother get into the shower/scrub her back. She can dry herself off pretty well.

It is those little and ongoing moments, however, that break my day apart and make it difficult for me to get my own tasks done. Consequently, most of my needs have to be put on the back burner. It all catches up with you at times because you've given so much up.

Sometimes I get real bitter and angry, but not at my mother. She can't help what's happened to her. That appreciation does not relieve caregivers of the tasks at hand though and we're often unappreciated by others who don't have a clue what's going on until, down the road, they want their "fair share" out of it. THERE IS NO "FAIR SHARE" in cases like this.

Its a matter of doing what you've gotta do with what you've got. Period.

So tell your greedy brother to go suck eggs.

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