The Only One

by S Williams
(Warren,Ohio USA)

I am an only child, and a single other of 1 child. I do not resent being Mother's caregiver,

I resent the resentment and anger coming from my mother.

I have basically given her my life, don't get me wrong, I love her to distraction and she has been a wonderful mother to me. I have her tested every which way but loose for dementia and Alzheimer's and it was all a negative. It makes daily life very bleak .

Because of Mother's anger and resentment my 11 year old daughter has resentment and to a certain extent I can't blame her. Mother has changed. I have totally lost myself in trying to please my mother and daughter. I have not been able to work since 2004 taking care of my father who died in 2006 from Mesothelioma. While he was making his transition mother took ill with congestive heart failure.

Last September mother fell and fractured her back, while they were doing pre-op testing two spots were found on the center lobe of her right lung. The back surgery was done in September, the center lobe was removed in December. The medical field could use HUMANITY lessons. After almost cornering the surgeon I was finally told the cancer was stage 3.

Mother sunk even deeper into anger/depression, which has put her in a self-defeating mode. Everything is a struggle. From getting her to get out of bed to eating a proper diabetic diet. The results of her resentment are her having trouble walking with a walker, and now being insulin dependent.

My financial situation is bleak since I am unable to work. I thought starting college online would help me get my groove back. It has become a struggle just to stay focused through the interruptions. Yet, I have maintained a B average. I no longer talk to friends or family members. The suggestions are ridiculous and things they would not do. Like putting a lock on the refrigerator so she doesn't over eat or eat the wrong things. I'm not her jailer I'm her daughter !!!!

As distressed as I am I would never threaten to put her in nursing home. Living in fear resolves nothing. I have read so many blogs in the elderly care sites explaining how the caregivers get away for movies, manicures, spa treatments, etc... that is so very far from the reality I am living in the 2011 economy. We have medical issues falling here daily like snow. The Rx, Dr. office visits, co-pays are enough to weaken the heart.

I am at a total loss and open to any suggestions.

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Not The Only One
by: Anonymous

First of all, I would say to you, "stop feeling guilty"! We are only human... being human we are limited as to what and how far we can go.

I'm assuming you are taking care of your Mother at home, since you didn't specify.The biggest battle I have had to face is the guilt.You do the best you can, but for some reason it isn't enough!

Don't blame your Mother for attitudes and things attributed to Dementia and Alzheimer's.She is not responsible for that. Remember that you have a family that looks to you. That is where your first priority lies. Maybe you need to look into a facility that deals with the problems your Mother has.

Most of all , help your daughter to understand that your Mother would not say or do these things if she were in her right mind. You are not alone!

Same Situation as You
by: Doug

I am in the same situation as you. Living and caring for mom. The on line school is great. Keep it up. I am still working a little and will be going for some higher ed stuff myself. Yeah, I know in this economy it is hard to get out to do things for yourself.

I have a bit more freedom and work at a local gallery setting up art shows. But still spend a great deal of time at home with mom. I set up a studio to work in. A place I can create in and be away from mom. I invite friends over for dinner.

We eat with mom and then go outside for a bonfire. Pretty simple life compared to my old life in the big city. But nothing is forever.

Hang in there. I am trying my best to do the same. My prayers are with you.

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