The Only Child
I often read about siblings not pulling their weight, I don`t have any brothers or sisters, and have been my mothers sole carer for 8years, the last three years have been the hardest as she is housebound and can`t walk.
I am starting to resent looking after my mother and I am guilty of saying unkind things she is so full of her own self pity that she can`t see how hard it is for me,she makes out that is she is no trouble at all, she can`t see how demanding it is on me, and that I can`t even go out without having to come back early to tend to her.
The truth is at 62year of age I find myself resenting my mother who is nearly 88 years old, she has always used emotional blackmail on me not just now but since I can remember. I appreciate she is old and feels vulnerable and so infirm, but why do I seem to be not so caring or compassionate anymore?
I hate the way I feel sometimes it`s as if I hate her, I rant to myself not in front of her, I wish I did not feel this way, it isn't her fault after all, when my mother dies if I am not dead myself.
I would like to feel sadness and a great loss in my life, but the way I feel at the moment it would be a ticket to freedom and as if the invisible shackles that I have had wear for such a long time would be removed..
I have always suffered from a guilt complex, it has been like a monkey on my back for years, she has always made me feel so guilty, she has always made herself out to be this perfect woman, so caring so compassionate a real life saint, in her dreams.
I hope I will get over this and be back to my normal self were I can endure my mother once again without feeling such hate.