The only child and the entitled ingrate,,,

by Only Child
(New York City)

I am so glad I stumbled across this page. For a while I have been so mad at myself for having these dark feelings towards my mother. I am full of anger and resentment towards her and our living situation is unhealthy for everyone involved. My mom did not prepare herself throughout her life.

She lived on public assistance and did not work for more than a year or two. Now she is 70 and is riddled with illness. She has had several strokes, has congestive heart failure and is morbidly obese. I reluctantly brought her to live with me when she was evicted for failing to pay rent.

She has always been so irresponsible and did not parent me at all, instead sent me to live with relatives. I have 3 children and with my husband we pay close to $2500 in monthly rent. My kids (boys and girls) share a room and they are now getting older, needing space and privacy.

My mother occupies one of my 3 bedrooms and she has filled it to the ceilings with junk she collects, she's a hoarder. She sits in her chair all day and never leaves her room where she expects to be waited on, hand and foot.

She makes demands on my kids, doesn't know how to ask for anything such as "will you please throw out my soiled diaper bag", instead she just says "this bag gotta go", hell yes it does, because it
stinks up my entire house like a dirty out house.

My husband comes home from work and just starts spraying air freshener because he can barely stand the stench but even worst, he works two jobs so that we can afford to rent an entire house and he believes our children should be able to have their own room, I agree.

We cannot make vacation plans or even plans for an entire day because she needs her meals prepared and cannot go downstairs to our kitchen by herself. She is evil!!!

She has turned all of my family and even some of my friends against me by saying that I am a terrible daughter. She lies and says I don't feed her. She even told my cousin that she thinks I have been trying to poison her!!! Everyone frowns on me because all of their mother's have died. They think I am lucky to have this burden, they wish they had their mother.

I am tired of this and I will not continue to put her needs before the needs of my children. She told me that she knows her rights and that I cannot force her to go into a nursing home. I don't know my rights on this but I believe that our relationship is doomed unless she gets off of my shoulders.

She is impacting my sanity, my marriage and my children's comfort. Yes, sometimes I wish it was all over!!! God forgive me...

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There is hope
by: Gina

Dear Only,
You are not alone and you DO have options and rights. First:
- STOP feeling guilty!
You are not responsible for your mother's care when she did nothing to prepare or save for her future. You are not responsible for her happiness.

I live in MN and I know here you need to post an eviction notice for 30 days, then a resident can legally be removed.

But before you do that, I suggest you contact social services and talk to a social worker to see what other options you may have before you go down that road. Your mom may qualify for in-home services (my mom-in-law did).

Don't tell your mom what you're doing so she can't undermine any of your efforts. The social workers will probably come and assess her for services. Ask them to assess her for dementia. The hoarding thing may speak for itself.

If you wind up going down the eviction path, you will need to have a plan as to where she will go once out. Maybe you can get one of your relatives to take her in "temporarily".

Then she is their problem. But the optimal plan would be to get your mom to apply for Medicaid so she can get into a care facility. My mom-in-law is in a nice one and gets all the same services as the "paying" customers.

You will need to prepare a talk to have with her. Preparing what you will say will help you avoid emotional landmines that are unproductive. You should do a little research into nearby facilities that have openings for Medicaid residents.Find a nice one. Show her pictures or take her there for a visit.

Almost every facility has a few rooms they reserve for Medicaid residents (they are always double occupancy rooms). Often there are waiting lists. What I had to do with my mom-in-law was purchase health insurance for her before we found a facility for her. This way she didn't have to wait. Then once she was in, we cancelled the insurance and applied for Medicaid. The facility can't kick them out (by law).

The social workers may be able to give you more specifics about what NY state requires. The talking points with your mom should be:

- we can no longer give you the care you really need (meal prep, bathing/bathroom, mobility, financial, whatever)

- a senior facility will provide a more social and stimulating environment

No matter what she says to you, politely say this is the plan moving forward. You don't have to tell her any more details, like eviction. Even if she gossips or complains to your other relatives, don't feed into that -- save your emotional energy for more productive things because you're gonna need it.

When it looks like there are viable options to move her out, have a private family meeting (everyone in your house except your mom). Explain to your children what is happening and why. Tell them you may need some extra help from them but that things will get better for everyone soon.

Explain that gramma may be freaked out because change is very hard for seniors but you are doing everything to make sure she will be properly cared for and safe.

You will need to tune out any griping or manipulation she may try. Remember you are on a path to a better situation for everyone. Good luck! Stay calm and carry on!

My heart goes out to you
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry you're going through this nightmare. Your husband and children come before your mother and your health does too,

I am struggling with health issues. I am a diabetic who recently lost a toe. I am keeping the sugars under control and have lost weight but the stress isn't helping. I have to see a cardiologist next month to check out a possible circulation issue. It doesn't stop there..

In the meantime my 3 siblings "can't" help.
I am miserable and am now fighting with my husband because of my mom. (she's 85 and living with us)

Your situation is a lot worse than mine however, and it has to change. As was suggested talk to her doctor and social services. Maybe they can help even if it only means someone can come in and help a couple of days a week so you can get a break.

This is the hardest thing we have to do in life and it's no wonder many of us don't survive it.

All the best to you and your family.

by: Anonymous

I thank you for the response, most of the time, I feel alone in this situation and there is absolutely no one I can talk to.

I reached out to my moms case manager to ask about getting her a psych evaluation and faced another disappointment, only she can ask for such intervention.

Unless she poses a danger to herself or others or she is obviously not lucid (which is subjective), she has the right to decline services. In other words, I'm fu@*%d!!!

your mom
by: Anonymous

Hoarding, lies, and everything else you described are classic symptoms of dementia/Alzheimer's. A lot, or most of what is happening is not your mother's fault. Her brain looks like swiss cheese as that is what happens. The paranoia you described about being poisoned, etc. is also very common.

It's a fine line to walk between hating the situation and hating the person. From what you've described about your anger and frustration it's past time for you to reclaim your life.

Those people telling you they wish they still had their moms are likely the ones who picture good old Nana sitting on the front porch sipping sweet tea. Most people have NO CLUE of the mental toll it takes to care for an elderly person. None!
Your love and attention needs to go to your husband and your kids.

Your mom is wrong that you can't make her move out. If she has any money, they will attach that and use it up until the government takes over on paying.

If she has nothing she will be only one of thousands in a nursing home or assisted living the government pays for. Go to your country social services office and start talking to people about this and tell them everything.

I haven't reached that point, but it won't be long for me to do this as well. As the months on the calendar keep turning over I see how fast my own life is passing by with my mom here. My anger is reaching your point.

One thing to consider as to why to do this (another reason) is that a friend of mine had her mom with her and she began the paranoia of her stealing from her and trying to kill her. It is a common sign of dementia, but to authorities that could raise a red flag because it does happen in society.

My friend's mom said this at a doctor appointment and within a week, she had people at her house doing an investigation for elder abuse. It went on for a long time.

It's hard when the parent still has some or most mental faculties left and you must tell them you want them to leave for your family's happiness. Or say you want her to get better care than you give any longer. It will hurt.

My friend said though they day she put her mom in a home finally, she felt the burden of the world fall off her shoulders when she drove out of that parking lot. She's never looked back. When I get to do it, I won't either. I'm through with the guilt that comes with this caretaking stuff. It is simply not natural to care for an elderly parent.

I hope you make your decision to start the process soon. I will envy you if you do that.

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