The Chosen One

by Rose
(Wisconsin)

I have been taking care of my parents for the last 5 years. My father passed recently and was suffering from dementia. My brother would come up to visit every 4 months and take mom out for lunch but wouldn't include dad. When asked why he chose not to take dad, his answer was that it was too difficult. Granted, yes it was, but there was never a time that dad wasn't included in what my family did.


Now mom is living with me and I see him less and less. I have asked for help, but was told by his wife and himself that they were too busy, as they own a restaurant and can't get away.

I resent the fact that they deem their life more important than mine, and since I lived in the same city as mom, that I was the chosen person to take care of her, even though we had a discussion well before the move that I was going to need him more now than ever. I am losing sleep, I can't seem to concentrate on tasks at work, and find myself stressing about a multitude of issues.

Besides totally writing off my brother, is there anything I can do?

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When you Choose Yourself
by: Anonymous

Sometimes we're the chosen one because we choose to be the chosen one. When we choose to care for our elderly parents ourselves, we have to remember that it's our choice, and that other people may not feel obligated to make that choice with us. Or they may not be able to.

My cousin decided to care for my aunt at home. She had visions of her sisters and sister-in-law cheerfully giving up their jobs and whatever else they had to in order to assist with caring for her. They didn't.

Her younger sister is a widow with two children at home: she couldn't just give up her job. Her Sister In Law has a special needs child who requires constant supervision....she refuses to take on more responsibility than she has already.

Her older sister believes my aunt should be in a nursing home: as far as she's concerned, since her sister unilaterally made the decision to keep their mother at home, her sister can deal with the results of that decision.

Sometimes we aren't so much dumped on as complaining because we don't have the nerve to do what we honestly want to do.

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You are not alone!
by: Anonymous

Oh, you are not alone! I feel your pain! There are 5 of us kids and 2 of us doing the caregiving.

Mom tells each kid what she thinks they want to hear too, which is not helpful. My sister is so hard to deal with that I (like you perhaps) just keep my distance. I actually get more resentful with her in and out of the picture than if she wasn't in it at all. One friend of mine cared for her mother with dementia for over ten years, had falling out with the sister. Then after mother died the sisters made up (personally I don't know how they put away their resentments but my friend says they actually have a good relationship now).

I'm not holding my breath on my end but maybe this can give you a little hope? You are not alone.

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I Hear This
by: Doug

I hear this over and over and over again. When all is said and done with me taking care of mom I will totally write off my 2 RETIRED / not working have nothing important to do brothers.

I like so many others here am the only one willing to care for mom. Yes, write them off and try and find some social services to help you out. They are doing what is right for them even if it is hurting you and your mom. Write them off.

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