Thank You!

by Vicki
(Pikeville, NC, USA)

This site is a blessing, it's Biblical for strength and soothing. It's like a cleansing release of the raging, heavy, ugly, unforgivable secret that I have kept trapped inside for so long and dared not let anyone know.

The discovery that this is not my unique burden is like a precious, soothing ointment. To know that all my feelings and thoughts and times of despair are, in fact, witnessed by so many supporters is a wrap of comfort and a powerful bolt that shatters my guilt and shame...the guilt and shame, that's the worst.

Over and over and over I seek forgiveness for and despise the monster that I have become; yet I continue to aimlessly wander in this crazy, hateful maze and repeatedly violate all of the beliefs and principles of the me that I used to be.

As I read each of these situations I was astounded by the shared descriptions of the lost lives so like my own; these could have been written by me!

Whoever is responsible for this blessed outlet deserves a Heavenly reward.

I intend to lean on it frequently and use it as a special crutch of friendship from those who genuinely know. Truly, we are all walking in the same worn shoes and I pray for God's deliverance for each of us.

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We understand
by: Sharon

Welcome Vicki, you are among friends. We feel the same. I hate myself for hating my mother but I've been thrust into the roll of caregiver and I'm bitter.

I get no support from my siblings and my mother has no more friends. It's a miserable life and I constantly wish for her death. The guilt is overwhelming. We're here anytime you need us.

To "Thank You" Vicki
by: BJH

I understand the angst and frustrations you've been struggling with. I, too, have found this site to be my main support system for the past 3+ years.

My 94 year old mother is still living with me and it's been a rough journey for me (and her I'm sure.) It's taken me this long to finally reach a point where I have no more expectations about where this is going or for how much longer it will last.

I have no control over it.

Sometimes I even think my mother is going to outlive me and my siblings, which would be the ultimate offense after all this work! I just keep on going because I have to.

I'm one of the lucky ones - I have siblings who really do try to help, especially when I tell them what I need (which was a hard thing to learn how to do.)

Even so, my resentment kept on festering to a level where I wasn't sure I could endure much more in spite of having help from my siblings. Then I came upon an article (which I forgot to insert in a previous post) that really helped me understand why "resentment" is so painful and such a strong part of caregiving.

Here's the link to that article.

Towards the middle of the article the author talks about the insidious affects of harboring resentment - which many of us caregivers feel and for various reasons. Although the entire article is well worth reading, the Reader's Digest version is that when someone or someone's actions or perceived actions cause us pain, we resent having been violated. Like anybody who suffers from pain, we yearn to be soothed. I've discovered, however, that no matter how much complaining or whining I do, people may sympathize but it really doesn't help relieve my pain because, inside, I KNOW they can't truly know my brand of pain. Sometimes I even ended up resenting them for not knowing any better and, now, I realize it's impossible for them understand my pain; I'm the ONLY person who can.

The answer is to soothe ourselves; empathize with yourself and what you're going through. Every time something causes you distress, it's okay to tell yourself "you poor thing, this really sucks" or "I don't deserve this."

I've relied on enough therapy to last a lifetime and NOTHING has helped me feel relief more than simply being my own sympathizer. At least it's helping this week. LOL. Next week may be another matter, but I'm learning to enjoy the good moments while they last.

I hope this will help some of you.

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