Surviving and Thriving
I am divorced, three degrees including one in Social Work and a Masters in Counseling. All of your stories I have heard before in my office and then I got to join the group of discarded
mothers. My children are 34, 32, and 30. I am separated from the 34 year old son, divorced from my 32 year old daughter and my 30 year old passed. Basically the job I wanted most in life to be a mother has been taken from me by my children.
You may not like the terms I am using to describe my relationship with them but when an adult or a child treats you in the most abusive and shameful ways, you can grant them their wish of a separation or a divorce and save yourself.
I just wish there was paper work to be served. I have not talked to my daughter for 4 years and my son the same. Recently I sold my home and moved away with no forwarding address.
Of course in the world of email, they know how to reach me but Xmas, Mothers Day, Birthday, etc. is just another day to them and I responding accordingly. I got tired of buying gifts that were not appreciated or discarded. Basically we try and they could care less.
Our tears from inhumane treatment are just an irritant to them as well as our begging for love. That I will never engage in again.
At 16 years old, after 3 weeks with her father and his girlfriend, my daughter begged to be returned in my home. She said he was selfish and did nothing to help her with school or rides to work, plus let her brothers taunt and terrorize her. It was just wine, women and work.
Fast forward I agreed, she completed university ....when my son passed, my daughter ran off with a guy she knew for a week and never once called to see how I was doing, nor did my son. However she was crying tears for the father's girlfriend who was deep in grief for my deceased child whom she had never birthed nor raised.
As the divorce was war like, I requested it, I was lopped out of any arrangements as if I was just a paid birth surrogate. It was the worst moment of my life to be lopped out of the process to say goodbye to my son.
Any request I made to my daughter especially about a Power of Attorney if something happened to her as she liked to jaunt all over Europe, well she decided her remains and funeral arrangements would be entrusted to the care of the guy she just met who lived in another province whom I had never met, but she had now moved in with.
I again was to butt out.
And when I did meet Mr. Wonderful he tried to charm me with tales of forcing a former girlfriend to have an abortion and my daughter telling me he wanted a three some. Also, he could not keep his hands off of her in public which just added to his charm. I had hopes this relationship would unravel and we would be free of him. Well no such luck.
When she came to my home town, now she was hell bent on staying with the once non caring
father and his girlfriend while I got a few left over crumbs. When she got married I was a nothing in the process right to getting an email invite like any guest would get.
And when I tried to discuss my hurt at her disinterest in how I was coping without her brother, or that she had arranged a wedding showcasing the individuals who had aided in the estrangement with my son and his death, nor killing any Mother of the Bride dreams I had, she stated come or don't come didn't matter to her.
So to avoid further humiliation as I was not wanted, I stayed home. Her wedding picture, which I saw on line did not show a missed beat that her mother was not there.
Whether dementia, drugs or entitlement issues she would on occasion contact me and play the bewildered, cast off child. Even as a trained professional, I had no idea how to handle the past nor have a relationship with someone who had made it more than clear I was of no consequence. If I was nothing at a wedding or a funeral, what was yet to come, well let me tell you.
Two years later she got pregnant. Six months after she was pregnant, I was advised by letter she was having a baby and stated I had taught her all she needed to know about parenting.
She never did contact me when the child was born and to this day, I know she had a girl but do not know anything else. I only saw a picture of her on face book. And my Xmas gift for 2017, via the father's girlfriend, she posted my daughter had another child on Dec. 24.
I am beyond hurt and humiliated as a Mother. She has robbed me of every event any mother looks forward too. She has left me shamed because I believe most women could never understand this kind of behavior unless I had probably been a monster a real Mommy Dearest.
In summary, with all my education and experience I cannot explain, nor change or reverse the decisions my daughter has made to destroy our relationship, and my hopes and dreams as a mother and grandmother.
As I said she begged for a divorce and I gave it to her as well as the son, his separation. Since she has a father and a girlfriend to be there for her when her starter marriage ends, she has nothing to worry about.
No crazy narcissistic child is worth taking anti depressants for nor going broke paying for hours of therapy trying to figure out why good produced bad.
She is part of a new breed of a decayed society that is demolishing good mothers and their dreams with made up stories of abuse or neglect just to justify their acts of cruelty and selfishness, but when needed yank you out of the discarded pile to attend to their needs. NOT ME!
As I said I moved 6 hours away and I am again moving closer to the sand and water soon. I was a whole happy person before kids and still am. Now its their loss!! Too bad, so sad!
My professional advice would be, do the same and live your lives in happiness. God made more than birth children to provide you with love.