Stress son with family

I am the youngest of three boys, I'm 52, taking care of 82 year old disabled mother. She has always been negative, controlling and never have a positive comment to me or my family.

Any food we give she is bad and complains about but the menu. She has no problem making hurtful comments that offend me or my children.

Example, daughter's senior picture, she makes the comment that she didn't like them because she looked too fat, in front of my daughter. No matter what we do, there is nothing positive, always a negative and disrespectful comments.

I am getting old and tired, sometimes I feel guilty, I know she has been through many difficult things, but my mental health is being affected. I don't know what to do...... I love her, but honestly I sometimes don't want to be near her or have my wife and children with her.

I do everything for her as whatever she said I try to deal with, I don't want my family that be abused and offended by her.

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Let her go
by: Anonymous

I'm not sure from what you described here if whether your mom is afflicted with Alzheimer's or some dementia.

If she is disabled enough, though, to where she is entirely dependent on you, and she is the nasty sort of person who will not care about ruining your life, then GIVE HER UP to your other siblings.

Or, try to put her into a facility. Why are you the one saddled with all the responsibility? If you don't stand up for yourself, even to your own mother or siblings, then you can just continue to martyr your life this way until your mom dies, which could be many years from now.

Just because she's decrepit doesn't mean she won't keep living on. Believe me, I know, because I have a grandmother who was a very mean and nasty woman all her life, and who has been in a wheelchair for five years now after breaking her hip.

Yet, she's 87 and only recently was placed in an Alzheimer's place. Think about it--and try to save yourself!

Needy Parents
by: Anonymous

Recently, I mentioned my caregiving situation to a social worker/RN, just in casual conversation. She pointed out that the more you do for parents, the needier they become and I can attest to that.

I'm an only child, and a girl child at that, so much more is expected of us. We're all rowing this same blasted boat, and most of us are very well fed up. I know I am.

My mother is still living by herself at 89, although she has dementia and is quickly losing her wits. I'd put her in foster care but it would be a battle royale to get her there. I also know that she'd fight with whoever was taking care of her, then the care-home derby would begin.

On top of that, she still smokes and believes it's her right to do so, and that everyone else should just deal with it. (We're all way too sensitive, according to her.) I'd be at her house every damned day, 40+ hours a week if she had her way. Meanwhile, I'm 64, way beyond frazzled and pissed off, and taking care of a friend who had both knees replaced.

Those of you with unhelpful, criticizing siblings, I've really gotten the impression that as long as you're doing the work, you're not going to get any assistance from them.

They're relieved to not have any responsibility, but of course, it's easy for them to sit on the sidelines and pick the flesh off your bones. I truly don't know what the answer is. I'm beginning to worry about our own futures.

Is this what we have to look forward to? FWIW, I have no children or spouse, so I'll probably end up in some back room of a care facility myself.

Way Forward?
by: Anonymous

So many of these comments echo my experiences with my elderly mother.

Though we have had a reasonably good relationship as adults that's really because I've made an effort - my mother never took any time over us when we were children - she loved us I think but didn't think she needed to be there for us either physically or psychologically.

My siblings are older than me and I was routinely left alone all weekend after my parents divorced from Friday when I got home from school to Sunday evening while my mother was off with her new man. At the time I thought I'd coped but I realise I just developed a hard shell over a very vulnerable inside.

Now, my mother's 86 and has been in a wheelchair for 5.5 years. She's dependent on me. My sister doesn't want to know and my brother lives on the other side of the world.

I hate it. I did it willingly at first but now feel that she is ruining my life and that this time when my own children are older and my husband and I should be able to do things we want do is she's spoiling with her demands. She's difficult and rude. She doesn't value what I do for her and always wants more.

In the end I have argued with her and told her that I fell this. I've told her that if I don't get more appreciation for what I'm doing I'll stop doing it and she can go into a nursing home. Suddenly her attitude changed and she's thanking me profusely for the stuff I do and saying how grateful she is.

I know that deep down she still just feels the same, but she's doing this because all of a sudden she's realised I don't have to do this for her I could just walk away and leave her to manage alone.

My advise to all carers? Don't whatever you do give up your own home and life to care for your parents. Maintain your independence and make sure that you can say to your parent "if you don't like what I do then I'll walk away and leave you to it". If you've already given up home and job try to regain these and put yourself into a position of power.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and with all other posters on the site. I can only hope that these elderly people all die soon (painlessly please God) but that they should leave us to be able to live our lives to some extent.

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