Stop the Insanity!

by Anonymous

Oh my gosh! No way should you feel guilt for taking your parent to a nursing or assisted living facility - they will be safer AND happier and when you and your family visit, everyone will be honestly happy to see each other and the time spent will all be positive.

These facilities have professionals that know how to respectfully deal with the elderly and your parent will be so much happier among peers and people in the same boat.

Assisted living will give them their own apartment, along with doing their laundry, cleaning, changing diapers, bathing, medications, meals, entertainment, outings, doctor visits, etc. they need nothing else, except family visiting them.

My mother-in-law, after 5 horrific years with us, finally went to assisted living (kicking and screaming for sure) but she is happier now than I've ever seen her.

Yes, it's expensive, $3000/month, but her social security covers some of it and if necessary we will sell her house to assure she continues living in this wonderful environment.

If you have siblings, TELL them your plans and their portion of it. FIND A WAY to do this!

Talk to the facility people, they are expert and can advise you on how to tell your parent and how to ask family for financial assistance. Just find a way to get it done. Get this ball rolling now so your parent will have time to adjust and understand how much better their life is there.

Trust me, it will allow you to love them more.

My only regret is that we didn't do this sooner, by the time we took her there we were ALL resentful and didn't like each other very much.

It's been 6 years now, she is 90, wheelchair bound and meaner than a junkyard dog...but she is safe and happy and goes on outings every week.

She takes an interest in looking nice (gets hair and nails done), which is a major improvement.

If your siblings refuse or cannot help you financially, at least get them to commit to sending a card, letter, gift or visit every couple of weeks.

I recommend seeing an elder care lawyer to get their will made, give you full power of attorney and also have their house put in your name (as well as theirs). Depending on their income, you can count them as dependents on your taxes too. So...go, find a lawyer NOW. It won't be as expensive as you think.

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To "Wish We Could"
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry you've had to remove your parents from assisted living.

I really don't think you needed to. I doubt that they could sue you for keeping them there. Once an attorney saw their nice living conditions and how well they were cared for, I doubt they'd have a case at all.

As for them threatening to kill themselves, I would have called their bluff and said " it's your choice"

I know that sounds harsh, but they are sucking the life out of you and your sibling because of their selfish demands.

I know it's probably too late now, but is there any way to get them back into assisted living?
If you don't, you may pay for it dearly.

Good luck.

memory care
by: MA

Yes, to those of us looking these memory care facility look terrible but we are younger and with it. The residents may not see things in the same way.

Is it worth losing your own health when you still might have 30 years to live. Sometimes hard decisions have to be taken by the person who is more rational.

Wish we could
by: Anonymous

we tried to put my parents in the nicest assisted living facility in the area. They were there less than 2 months when we had to move them out because they were threatening to sue my sister and I for, get this, "imprisoning us against our will."

It was a beautiful place with gourmet meals three times a day, weekly concerts, daily activities, and weekly outings as well. Hell, I'd move in in a second if I could afford it.

But they didn't like it. My father actually hitchhiked home from the place in 95 degree weather (he has dementia). Both of them were saying that they were going to kill themselves if we made them stay there.

But, my mother had made friends there and everything. They were both always raving about the food. I think the real reason is that they are both just very controlling people and they just enjoy pushing their children's buttons.

Both my sister and I have chest pain frequently and it is all because of the crap we have to put up with from them. We tried to hire people to take care of them during the day to give us a break and my parents fired them after just four days.

I am jealous of people who lost their parents at an early age - I really am. Both of my parents are in their late 80's and I think they will outlive both of us. They have been emotionally abusive to us for our entire lives and I am just sick of them.

Memory Care Wards not Quite so Nice
by: Nancy

I agree with this, but my mother would have to be in the memory care locked section. I have visited several and don't see putting my mother in any of them. Who would want to be locked in a facility with a bunch of debilitated old people?

She is still with it enough to know the difference.

I will keep looking, but for now my life is on hold as I live with her and take care of her.

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