Social Services

by Anonymous

Just a few thoughts for people taking care of their elderly parents. First of all if they have use of their body and are mentally well, don't wait on them and don't let them boss you around. You don't deserve it. Also, if your parents don't have any money except for social security, you can get help a few hours a week and Medicare or Medicaid will pay for it. My friends daughter and my sister-in-law got paid to take care of their parents but it could have been used for outside help.

I think it is for 16 hours a week. Also, you can put them in a nursing home if they don't have money and the Medicaid and their social security will pay for it.

If your parent has been in the military they will help you place them in a VA facility and receive a small check. My mother-in-law was in the Army four years and we placed her in a VA facility for Alzheimer's patients which was great.

Also, if they are military they don't don't have to sell their home to be placed in one like you do with social security.

Don't destroy your life taking care of parents that aren't appreciative and sometimes very demanding and mean. Don't feel guilty either. My grandparents went to one and they had no problem with it. My aunt and uncle lived in one for years as man and wife in the same room.

Their kids came daily but that was a lot easier than taking care of two people that could do nothing for themselves.
If your parent was particularly mean or didn't raise you, just leave and let the state take care of them. Just because people are old doesn't mean you should put up with their hateful demanding ways.

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Agree
by: Anonymous

I totally understand your situation and wish you get some peace. Really we are in a situation where everyone can lecture you on what you should be doing and nothing like this happens when they take the elderly or come to take care. And i think they have taken us for granted that no matter what happens you will still take care.

Sometimes i wish i want to run away from home but then what will happen to my kids and husband, coz for him it is his mother and all he says is i have to understand she is mentally ill....

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How much dependence
by: AK

My mother is almost 90, I am youngest of 4 children at 56 with all of us living locally. My Mom had a heart attack 11 years ago and because I had coincidentally quit my job a month earlier and my sister was not working, we took on the bulk of being with her in the hospital for weeks of complications, continuing to be with her when she came home.

In the years since, my sister's and my roles became solidified. We are both married but no children. I subsequently never returned to work, while she has works very incrementally. My two older siblings have grandchildren and still work full time but are very nearing and have reached retirement age.

I'm sure this is too detailed, but I'm just venting as I am so frustrated. Perhaps this only amounts to whining but in these 11 years, my sister and I have literally dropped everything to care for our mother when she has gone thru times of near hysteria with bouts of unrelated illnesses.

My 2 siblings have 20" distance, families and jobs-I get that. In these years, they have taken little time caring for her, taking her shopping, eating, trips, movies, shopping, buying for her, doctor appointments, maintaining her home and yard, etc.

Now Mom is home 3 weeks from 2 stays in the hospital and is on oxygen. Frankly even with home health nurses, physical therapy, my sister and I being 90% her caregivers, she is making little to no progress. We take turns with days and nights and my 2 siblings stay some nights.

For now we are maintaining good relationships, but I am getting very stressed giving up my life to be with mom all the time, with these 2 siblings having almost a free pass. To top this off, my mom has become a person I no longer recognize.

She treats us as maids and underlings and we work SO hard to make sure we keep her home up, her yard, her car (though she no longer drives), cooking, cleaning, all doctor appointments in a city over 1 ½ away, Scrabble games, tucking her in, EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that could help or please her or give her any happiness.

One of the other siblings has recently verified that Mom is completely different with her and my brother. She laughs, eats a bit better, doesn't complain of pain and does not boss them around and basically transforms herself into a pleasant person.

Why should these 2 siblings want anything to change much? They have their lives and honorable mention sacrifice with Mom and they get her best side.

My sister and I literally run in circles trying to care for her and please her.
My husband has issues with his own mom who has dementia and she refuses the caregivers so he has to stay nights with her.

This is all starting to take a toll. I have to be careful with my schedule to make sure I take my shift with mom so I haven't been to my exercise class in 3 weeks since mom returned from hospital.

Forget anything remotely social as my husband and I juggle to keep our home running and pass each other going to our moms. I will be breaking at some point unless we either start letting mom do more for herself, or my siblings step up and we come to a plan or consensus that perhaps mom might need a sitter.

Mom however would absolutely not stand for a sitter, nor would my sister and co-caregiver which makes me feel more guilty and trapped. By the way, my brother has power of attorney and I have no access to her finances so I pay for repairs and maintenance on her home and travel expenses and miscellaneous items .

Basically my relationship with the mom that I loved and adored and really was always there for me is turning toxic as is the the relationship with 2 of my siblings.

I simply do not know how much is expected of me from mother, who now treats me as a servant, where all this is headed and how much support I can expect from 2 of my siblings. and how to navigate both her at home care, AND ease her pain that she complains about but has eluded doctors for 2 years.

I know many others out there have it both far worse or kind parents.

I just see things continuing and mine and my husband's lives drifting away. I wish there was a neutral friend or professional that could guide us.

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Totally agree
by: Anonymous

I agree that if they are capable of doing things let them. My sister has been over the top with a need to anticipate the needs of the parents before they even know what they need themselves.

This hastened the dependence. I have been labelled the one who doesn't care when she looks like the good daughter. I think her need to do this is unhealthy.

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