So Tired

by christy
(NC)

I have been taking care of my seventy year old mother for almost a year now. In 2011 she had to have double leg amputations. My dad died on the 20th of March 2012.


Also my mother suffers from severe arthritis and she talks about dying constantly. My sister and brother work 2nd and third shift so, I live with her five days a week. On weekends, my son who is fifteen or my daughter who is twenty-three take turns on different weekends.

My home needs my attention and my thirteen year old and fifteen year old sons need me at home. The only way for that to happen is for mom to go to the nursing home. I also have an anxiety disorder and have started getting anxious every time I have to go back. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

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I UNDERSTAND
by: Mrs. Toni

First I'd like to tell you is I'm not quite in the same boat. Are you married? What does your husband think? Also, your kids most definitely need you, especially at their ages! Surely you must be getting help moving her around! Please tell me you're not doing that alone, are you? My Mom is only 75 and in pretty good health.

Right now we are dealing with cauterization of nerves in her lower back. I live out in the country where her nearest doctors are 1 hour away. She won't drive anymore because she says the roads are too curvy here in the foothills of Appalations as she is from fl. She came for a sleepover last Christmas and I can't get her to leave, she has a lovely new home but she just won't go.

I feel like the worst person in the whole world for suggesting that she at least try to move out as it has disrupted my whole family. My husband doesn't mind having her here, but she acts all sweet and loving whenever he's around. I am in full blown menopause and I feel like I am losing my mind.

I used to have my own room before she came and turned my home upside down. I have trouble sleeping anyway because of lack of estrogen, but since she came I have not slept much at all. This causes me to be very moody. I wish I could be stronger mentally and was doing a lot better before she decided this is where she feels safe.

I do not mind waiting on her hand and foot as long as she really needs it, but sometimes I think she plays me because she is lazy. Stays in bed most of the time and she said this morning her thumb won't work the tv remote anymore.

Too much tv, you think? My sister is a few MINUTES down the road from her brand new house. I forgot to mention she has only been widowed a year and a half. so it's not like she'll be far away from family. My house is not even close to how she is used to living.

I still have plywood and unfinished floors and she is always complaining how things are not done the way she is used to. It makes me so depressed to think about my mom in this way I have a hard time just facing a new depressing day with her. MY one sister thinks I am enabling her to not learn to live alone with her dog, the other older sister is just waiting for her inheritance.

There's not much she can do because she is down in fl but I think a phone call for moral support is not asking for too much. Tried that and she sounded so disconnected, she said she wouldn't even be able to live with her for more than 3 days at a time. Must be antidepressants, she just isn't any help at all.

One is no help, the other is just being a bitch, don't know why. Aren't families supposed to communicate and work things out or do you just cut them out of your life because it's a stressor?? I don't know what to do, I am losing even more sleep because it's just one more thing that circles my head in the middle of the night.

Having resentment for both sisters isn't the person I used to be. Well F--- 'em. A girl's gotta do what a girls gotta do. Boy do I feel confused and angry. Thanks for listening. Sure could use some feedback, anything at all, I feel so alone in this. No one to confide in. Very sincerely, Toni

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Tired as Well
by: Mary

My husband is the main child who fields all my father-in-law's needs even though he's in assisted living. His brother and sister live out of town but call their share of the care handling my father-in-law's finances and property upkeep a couple times a year.

They both are retired and could afford to visit more than 3 times tops a year and never on a holiday. Why do siblings feel that distance gives them an out for caring for their own parent. I took care of my own parents.

If I hear one more criticism from either sibling about something my husband does for his Dad, I'm going to blow up. My feeling is put up or shut up!

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Thinking of You
by: Anonymous

Dear Christy,
My sympathy for your father's passing.
This is my experience:when I am taking care of mom I feel as if I cannot take it anymore, then when I'm at my own house I think, "I can do this". I too get so tired. Even though I have done my best to do all I can and thought I would not feel the guilt when the time looks eminent to move mom to a place with 24 hour care...

Right now I feel guilty anyway. My brain does something like this, "look at all the stuff you have done to try and make her more comfortable and to keep her independence. Look how patient you've been..." Then the other side of my brain says, "you could of be more patient....you could have gone over to her house more often"...etc. etc. and then I become overwhelmed with all the emotions and sob. Oh, brother...what a mess.

The friends of mine that have placed their parents in care homes went through tortuous guilt and their parents went through lots of anger. Now, their parents are adjusted and so are they and the visits they have are good, no more guilt and anger.
What an awful process for everyone to go through though.
I'll be thinking of you.
mary

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