So, so tired!
It's been about 5 years into being the primary caregiver for my Mom. Both of my siblings (a brother & sister) live in other states. Their comments to me are, "They don't know why God has CHOSEN" me to be the one taking are of our mother, but He is all knowing."
I've told them both that I don't feel as though I was chosen, as if this is a privilege, but rather they didn't give me a choice in the matter since neither of them stepped up to help.
Their financial, physical, emotional and spiritual support has been very little to no existence. I still am working full-time, going to school full time. I have, in the last year, found a care taker through DSS Dept of Aging that helps when I'm at work.
My second job begins just as I step through the door. My life exists for other people. I can't do anything (leave the room, go to the bathroom, go to the corner store, go shopping, go out with friends or just by myself) without having to make arrangements for my aging mother suffering from Dementia or taking her with me.
Not to mention that I am trying to complete my Doctorate degree - which seems to be my only escape - usually between 10pm-2am at night when my mom finally goes to sleep!
My extended family just says that God will reward me for the sacrifice and due diligence for my mom's care.
Honestly, I don't want the reward - I want help! All I see is my family going on with their lives with no concern of what's really happening to me or my life. It's not as though my life has been put on hold.
It's more like my life is passing me by. I regret the choices I've made concerning this, I regret the freedom my brother and sister have, I am mad as hell!!!
It saddens me to the core, but I am more angry than anything and don't believe this is adding to the quality of either of our lives and I'm thinking seriously about nursing home facilities. The weight of this is so heavy in my spirit.
I feel no peace in my home and its starting to spill over in other aspects of what's left in my life.