So many emotions...

by Ellie
(United States)

Hi everyone. This is my second post on here. I originally made a post about the two women I'm caregiving for titled,

"Just the beginning?"

Now I'm making another one, because I've felt so any emotions. Guilt, anger, happiness, resentment and more.

This is the only place I can vent, where other people actually understand. This is a long one, so buckle in.

I am a 26 year old female who takes care of 2 women. With help from my boyfriend who is 30 and my father who is 65. Both men refuse to put these women in homes. Assisted living is not an option.

My mother is an 66 year old alcoholic with dementia, who is going to have a walker soon and is fall prone.

My boyfriends grandmother is 80 (I thought she was 73) who is in perfect health besides being severely over-weight, has a walker and is prone to falling (almost everyday).

Both of these women are spiteful, mean, manipulative and childish. They talk at you, not to you. No please, no thank yous, just demands.

I've been taking care of my mother since I was about 16. When my dad would travel for work, we would be at the house together. She's been an alcoholic almost my whole life. I've never had a good relationship with my mother, she has been this way her whole life, but it's gotten 100x worse within recent years.

If she's not getting her way, she'll say and do anything to make you cry. She'll call you names, wish you were dead, scream, curse, throw things and break things. Luckily, she hasn't thrown things at me, but I think she's thrown stuff at my father. Even when she does get her way, she makes fun of me.

She thinks it's funny that I have low self esteem, she thinks it's funny to call me ugly and when I tell her that it hurts my feelings she continues to laugh anyways.

My boyfriends grandmother is somewhat like my mother. She gets nasty and mean when she doesn't get her way, but she doesn't go on a tirade like my mother. She just says hurtful things to my boyfriend. Like,

"You don't do anything"

"You only think about yourself"

"You're so lazy"

She likes to call and complain to my boyfriends brother and sister-in-law who want nothing to
do with her. (won't help or visit) She talks complains to them about how she is mistreated, how we never do anything for her, etc...

She tells me I'll get fat from eating peanut butter, tells me to stop eating or I'll put on weight. After a few times of her saying those things I told her it hurt my feelings and her response was, "I wasn't trying to be mean!" No apologies. Me just misunderstanding. She never takes accountability for her actions or what she does to others.

I clean and bathe both of these women, because they would prefer me to do it. My mother pee's on herself at night and rarely poops her pants. My boyfriends grandmother does both about every few hours in hers, because she simply doesn't "feel" like getting up to go to the bathroom. My mother is embarrassed by it, my boyfriends grandmother thinks it's funny.

While I clean up my mother she apologizes and is fairly quiet.

While I clean up my boyfriends grandmother, she is cackling and farting in my face, then laughs even more. She claims it's an accident, but never does it to anybody else. It feels like she's trying to see how much she can disrespect me before I break down or tell her to stop.

Sometimes I catch myself wishing they would go ahead and pass away, so everyone can be free and move on with life. I feel like a monster for doing so. I mean, who wishes death upon their own mother and somebody else's grandmother, for god sakes? I feel like after all of this is done, I'm going to hell after I die, for things I've let cross my mind.

Does anyone else deal with this internal struggle? Where they constantly complain in their head, and then think to themselves "Why am I complaining? There are people who have it far worse than I do." I go through this weekly.

I have my amazing father and wonderful boyfriend to get me through this, yet I still complain. I'm working harder to start appreciating things instead of looking on the negatives. I let my bitterness for caregiving cloud everything else in life. I feel like I've forgotten how to appreciate the little things.

Sorry about all the whining and flip flopping.
Thanks for reading and letting me vent. I really appreciate it

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by: Anonymous

These people you wrote about are all for themselves and couldnt care less about how you are doing. I agree with the others who commented. Mom needs to clean up her act and stop acting like a spoiled toddler, if she doesn’t want to get put in a nursing home.

Those who object to putting these "ladies"? in the nursing home so you and your man can have a REAL life can either take over caregiving or shut up and let them go to the nursing home.

I to was treated like a service dog growing up, but there’s no way in hell I would ever go back to that way of life again. I’d likely be hauled away in a squad car to jail after one day of dealing with their shit.

I applaud you for helping your mothet
by: Richard

All I can say is WOW! Venting all of your emotions and thoughts is good. You cannot bottle up your feelings because you will make yourself sick. I fully understand how you must feel.

I cared for my mother for almost 8 years. My mother passed away just a few weeks before her 84th birthday. She had advanced dementia and died after going into cardiac arrest. Like you, my brother and I kept her in our home.

We did eventually enlist the help of a n in home senior care service the last two years of her life. My mother received these services everyday. They provided my mother a daily shower, brushed her teeth, fixed her hair, helped her eat breakfast, dressed her, and tidied up her bedroom and bathroom.

This provided the needed respite for my brother and I. The cost for these services was paid in part by our local county senior services department.

I strongly suggest you contact your local county office which deals with Senior Services. I understand the behaviors you mentioned. My mother was usually very calm but a few times a week, she would become argumentative with me.

I often became argumentative back to her. I now regret doing so. I wish I would have been more patient with my mother but being a caregiver is such s difficult responsibility. I learned I could not reason with my mothers feelings.

It was impossible to be rational due to the Alzheimer’s and dementia. It has been a little more than 1 year since she passed away. I miss my mother very much and I feel very lonely without her in my life.

My recommendation is for you to try and overlook your mother’s flaws. Understand her negative behavior is coming from her dementia. At some point once the disease progresses, the behaviors will probably become worse.

There are a few medications a doctor can prescribe to help reduce some of her symptoms related to Alzheimer’s and dementia. Keeping your mother out of a nursing home for as long as you possibly can.

I applaud you for being there to take care of your mother. Despite all the hateful things she may say to you try and remember that she loves you in her own special way.

Why do you continue to accept the situation?
by: Cedarway

Hi, I realize it's impolite to call people names when they are in vulnerable states of being, but these 2 ladies sound like class A bitches. Have you tried taking a hard line?

As in, "clean up your act or I am out of here, and you can get someone else to wipe your ass!". ?? Maybe I am missing something here.. are you dependent upon care taking for them for financial reasons? If not, I'd move out.

There is no reason to accept being trod on as you are by the unreasonable expectations of two men, and the baudy, ugly behavior of two old women. Let the men bathe them and do the gross work, regardless of the old ladies requests.

Let the men do it until they put them in a home. If you are concerned about other family members dissing you because of your handling of the situation, remind them they can step in and take over, no questions asked.

If you are financially dependent on the current situation, you might want to secure other employment, and regain your sense of value, your sense of self. But if you MUST continue, I see no reason to allow anyone to treat you this way, regardless of who gave birth to whom.

You have to at least step up and be in charge. You set the rules, they have the option of not complying, but there should be consequences for such disgusting behavior.

You will have to be the adult, the parent, in this situation, and move forward as if they are both wayward toddlers. You must take care of their needs, but TV time can be used as a tool for better behavior, as can food choices.

You have to feed them, but as long as it's healthy, maybe they don't get to have an opinion.

Finally, if these two women are beyond even being able to control their own words or actions, what exactly is the problem with the nursing home?

All parties can still visit, but if behavior is less than kind, people can wish them well and take their leave. Growing up with your childhood, it's easy to see why are you find t yourself in situations that include disrespect, abuse and ridicule.

But I hope,that if you need permission to take care of yourself, you can grant it to yourself. Because the people in your life probably won't give that to you. You will have to take it for yourself.

stick a fork in you...
by: Anonymous

you sound just about done. That crap with your dad and boyfriend not wanting to put your mom and your boyfriend's mom in homes is just that - complete crap. They would rather see you completely broken than have their mothers taken care of by someone who's being paid for it.

I'm gathering that you're not getting one red cent for what you're doing other than a roof over your head and food. I've been verbally abused as you are being and I had enough. I QUIT. Literally.

You need to sit them down and tell them you QUIT. You're not doing it anymore, and you're going to get a job and move out. And do it!!! I'm reading that you're way past your breaking point.

Your thoughts about them are not abnormal - you're just reacting to being abused relentlessly. Hugs for you. Stand up for yourself. You HAVE to before it's too late.

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