So many emotions...
Hi everyone. This is my second post on here. I originally made a post about the two women I'm caregiving for titled,
"Just the beginning?"
Now I'm making another one, because I've felt so any emotions. Guilt, anger, happiness, resentment and more.
This is the only place I can vent, where other people actually understand. This is a long one, so buckle in.
I am a 26 year old female who takes care of 2 women. With help from my boyfriend who is 30 and my father who is 65. Both men refuse to put these women in homes. Assisted living is not an option.
My mother is an 66 year old alcoholic with dementia, who is going to have a walker soon and is fall prone.
My boyfriends grandmother is 80 (I thought she was 73) who is in perfect health besides being severely over-weight, has a walker and is prone to falling (almost everyday).
Both of these women are spiteful, mean, manipulative and childish. They talk at you, not to you. No please, no thank yous, just demands.
I've been taking care of my mother since I was about 16. When my dad would travel for work, we would be at the house together. She's been an alcoholic almost my whole life. I've never had a good relationship with my mother, she has been this way her whole life, but it's gotten 100x worse within recent years.
If she's not getting her way, she'll say and do anything to make you cry. She'll call you names, wish you were dead, scream, curse, throw things and break things. Luckily, she hasn't thrown things at me, but I think she's thrown stuff at my father. Even when she does get her way, she makes fun of me.
She thinks it's funny that I have low self esteem, she thinks it's funny to call me ugly and when I tell her that it hurts my feelings she continues to laugh anyways.
My boyfriends grandmother is somewhat like my mother. She gets nasty and mean when she doesn't get her way, but she doesn't go on a tirade like my mother. She just says hurtful things to my boyfriend. Like,
"You don't do anything"
"You only think about yourself"
"You're so lazy"
She likes to call and complain to my boyfriends brother and sister-in-law who want nothing to
do with her. (won't help or visit) She talks complains to them about how she is mistreated, how we never do anything for her, etc...
She tells me I'll get fat from eating peanut butter, tells me to stop eating or I'll put on weight. After a few times of her saying those things I told her it hurt my feelings and her response was, "I wasn't trying to be mean!" No apologies. Me just misunderstanding. She never takes accountability for her actions or what she does to others.
I clean and bathe both of these women, because they would prefer me to do it. My mother pee's on herself at night and rarely poops her pants. My boyfriends grandmother does both about every few hours in hers, because she simply doesn't "feel" like getting up to go to the bathroom. My mother is embarrassed by it, my boyfriends grandmother thinks it's funny.
While I clean up my mother she apologizes and is fairly quiet.
While I clean up my boyfriends grandmother, she is cackling and farting in my face, then laughs even more. She claims it's an accident, but never does it to anybody else. It feels like she's trying to see how much she can disrespect me before I break down or tell her to stop.
Sometimes I catch myself wishing they would go ahead and pass away, so everyone can be free and move on with life. I feel like a monster for doing so. I mean, who wishes death upon their own mother and somebody else's grandmother, for god sakes? I feel like after all of this is done, I'm going to hell after I die, for things I've let cross my mind.
Does anyone else deal with this internal struggle? Where they constantly complain in their head, and then think to themselves "Why am I complaining? There are people who have it far worse than I do." I go through this weekly.
I have my amazing father and wonderful boyfriend to get me through this, yet I still complain. I'm working harder to start appreciating things instead of looking on the negatives. I let my bitterness for caregiving cloud everything else in life. I feel like I've forgotten how to appreciate the little things.
Sorry about all the whining and flip flopping.
Thanks for reading and letting me vent. I really appreciate it