Sister feels she Shouldn't have to Make Sacrifices (like I do)

by Anonymous2
(United States)

15 years ago I gave up my life in another state to move to be closer to my aging parents and my sister. I have no other siblings. A few years after that, my sister moved to another state (she is single, no kids). Then a few years ago, my father passed away, leaving my mother, who is capable of taking care of herself, but she is emotionally devastated, sad, and lonely.


I have been available to help her whenever she calls. I have to plan my life around her needs. I don't resent her at all. I feel so bad to see her this way and know how much she needs love from me. I'm okay with that, but it's a LOT of work. My husband and I have had to drop plans at the last second because she needed me.

My problem stems around my sister, who has not visited my mom for several years, although they talk on the phone. My sister is aware of my situation, that I have to be available any time of day or night and that it has gotten in the way of my husband and my plans. We have had some marriage problems that we both want to fix, but my role as caregiver gets in the way often.

My sister says she doesn't see why she should give up her life in the other state to help out. She has no husband or boyfriend and no kids. She doesn't socialize, either. So I don't really see the big deal about moving when she doesn't do anything but work and watch TV.

She's absolutely unwilling to make a sacrifice and refuses to see that I make sacrifices every day. The worst thing about it is she has Borderline Personality Disorder, so I'm constantly walking on eggshells around her because when she blows up it's monstrous.

My sister tells me that if she does decide to move up here, then I had better be constantly aware of the huge sacrifice she made. (She has referred to herself as a martyr in the past.) This means that if she comes here, she will occasionally blow up at me and yell, "I GAVE UP MY LIFE FOR THIS!!!!!" She's very, very scary sometimes.

So here I am, caring for my mom, making constant sacrifices for my mom, but never getting angry about it because I know how emotionally fragile she is and it makes me feel so hurt very deeply to see her this way. So I make sure she knows I'm always there for her and she's not alone in the world.

I just don't know how to deal with my sister. We get along as long as I'm super careful with her. I constantly have to bite my tongue when we talk so I don't say anything to ignite her. It's inevitable that we will lose my mom someday and I don't want there to be any difficulties or fighting when it comes to the will.

I want to keep things running smoothly. But I have this resentment built up so strong I don't know what to do. I'm clinically depressed and have anxiety and panic attacks every now and then. How do I deal with this?

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Reality.
by: Anonymous

As you know from your dad passing there will be some very tough decisions that will have to be made and some will have to be made quickly.

That is why you must get an understanding and on paper who it will be to make those decisions, should your mom not be capable. Then too, will be the decisions to be made because your mom will not be able to speak for herself. That is why you have to be concerned about your sister, unless you can be appointed executor....right now!

Second of all, be careful what you wish for. If you sister does have these mental problems on top of utter selfishness, if she does come home, look out because there will be another one for you to answer to and care for.

Lastly, your marriage comes first, as it did with your parents and their parents before them. Imagine how lonely you will be when your mom passes and your husband has left you.

Love your mom but get things worked out at the same time.

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Ask God for a Plan
by: Renata

Ask God for His help, strength and guidance daily. As for your sister? Be careful you don't end-up with two patients. Just tell her, "when she's ready to help, you'll appreciate it." This is more an emotional task to manage than being merely available.

It takes your strength, your time and all the patience you got! However, the more patience you give is the more you'll have to give - to your mother I mean. It's nothing short of a miracle really. Anyway, you sound like you're doing a really good job to me (You're on the right path in your thinking). Just Give yourself a good foundation, let God be the one you depend on okay.

Ask Him to show you how to get the help you need - it's not usually where you think. Ask God to help your husband to succeed at work and at home, and pray the same for yourself! It's a learning process, and you'll get better at it - you'll see.

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Sister Feels she Shouldn't have to Make Sacrifices
by: Erin

I admire your devotion to your mother, and I also understand your resentment as well. You won't regret the time you've given to your mother, even though it may go unnoticed, or you may not be thanked right away for dropping everything at a moment's notice- God knows the sacrifices you are making, and that's the most important thing.

Your sister on the other hand, you cannot change her or make her do anything she doesn't want to do, she is who she is and will do what she thinks is adequate for her mother. I know the resentment is there, but it's not worth your time to dwell on it- you can't force anyone to do or feel anything. You are only responsible for yourself.

I have 4 sisters and one brother however, they cannot change their lives, nor come and stay one or two nights because they have "lives." However, I do not- and my circumstances are by accident, but I feel as though I was put here for a reason, despite my resentment, anger and frustration.

As time goes by, I find that things I wanted for my life are not as important as my assistance that I can offer my parents, even though the little things go unnoticed that I do- and I don't say anything to my siblings as to what I do, because they aren't in a place of understanding nor do they wish to be. I've tried to explain to them the help "I" need, but it goes unrecognized or ignored or forgotten.

You are a special person, and one of the few who will take responsibility for your parents and that is a task that many cannot take on because of one thing or another when it comes to family.

Please don't beat yourself up and know that what you are doing for your mother is something that will be remembered by a most important entity- God.

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You Are Not Alone
by: Anonymous

Wow, you sound so much like me, I recently inherited my Dad and his wife. It's been 3 very long months. Dad is 84 and has Congestive Heart Failure and COPD, he's on oxygen 24/7. His wife has Alzheimer's and is on Aricept. She is mean, nasty, jealous and Always Griping about something everyday. She isn't on enough medication and she is always talking about me, making up things, and acting very strange. She is even lying to my Dad about me, this goes on everyday.

I have never been close to my Dad and I have 2 sisters and one brother who live out of state..about 4 years ago one of my sisters talked me into having a relationship with Dad, she thought he was on his deathbed and I gave in to it.

None of my siblings want anything to do with our Dad and his wife, they call a couple times a year and that's it, they never have offered to help in any way. Nobody calls me anymore either!

I also have major depression and anxiety issues and have taken medication for years. This situation has made me irritable, anxious and I am totally worn out all the time. I try to go exercise or bike riding for relief, but find myself too wrapped up with them to do anything for myself.

One of my sisters has the same thing yours does, and a host of other problems, we never speak because she causes more problems than help out.

I live with my new husband and he fortunately is very understanding about the parents, but he is not here much due to work. I know this situation causes problems for us once in a while, mostly me as I feel like I'm going to flip out because I seriously can't stand my Dads wife, by the way she is 91 years old, but very nasty and is never satisfied, she even made my Dad cry the other day because she wants to move out and they have very little income to go anywhere else.

I don't know if this is helping you, I guess my advice as hard as it is on you and your husband is I I wouldn't expect anything but grief from your sister. Lastly I commend you for caring so much for your Mother, most family's dump the burden on others and never realize how hard it is to be

Hang in there, try the council on aging, or find a CNA to come in for a few hours and help keep your Mothers spirits up, I went to a seminar given by hospice and a person doesn't have to be dying to get help from them. It is a misconception that you have to be near death to have their help. You might try adult daycare once in a while, or go to your church for ideas. These are just suggestions I hope it will help.

Take Care

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