Single Selfish Little Sister?

My father died in 2012, leaving my 76 year old mother a widow after 55 years. She has no real friends and makes no effort to change. She suffers from chronic pain/arthritis and depression and tremors/unsteadiness. I'm the youngest of two girls. I'm divorced, and don't have children. My sister is 4 years older than me and lives in the next state.

She's married with four grown children and grandchildren. Mom loves going up to see them, but the 6 hour drive there is getting worrisome.
She told me the other day she wants to sell our houses and buy a big house to live in together. There's no way I can do this.

We don't get along well for very long. I know this from years of criticism and apologies. She says she's lonely. Sister said mom wants to be closer to the grand kids, but won't go if I don't.

Sister said I'm being selfish. I spend a lot of time with mom, take her to appointments, to lunch, movies, plays, spend time at her house and talk on the phone almost every day. She fixes food, dresses, bathes and keeps the house clean.

I'm fine to help out with more. I think she just wants a change and is depressed. My sister says my refusal to move isn't fair to mom, as I don't have a"real" family and only work part-time. Am I?

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Sister is the Selfish One
by: Anonymous

If you don't want to sell your house and leave the state you're living in, don't do it to make your mom and sister happy.

If your mom wants to be by your sister so much and your sister wants her there so much, sell mom's house and move mom into another place near your sister. If mom won't go without you, that's her choice.

For your sister to tell you you're selfish when you are the one taking care of mom is outrageous. Don't let her guilt trip you for one moment. Stand your ground. After mom moves near your sister, you can make that 6 hour trip to visit them on your own terms.

If mom truly wants to go, she will go without you. It sounds like mom wants you to go because she is more secure with you than your sister. And I can see why. It's the compassionate ones that feel guilt.

Feel for you!
by: Anonymous

I think getting your mom near your sister is key so that you can have some freedom. I think siblings think if you are single - you don't have a life! I'm married but I feel that is so wrong when they think that way.

As far as you moving too ?? not so sure about that especially if you have a job, friends etc. It doesn't seem fair.. but there again then I know how you must feel- guilty but also resentful.

I am dealing with my mom too. Its not easy and I really don't think there is an easy answer.

Your chance to have help
by: Anonymous

I would suggest that you take your chance while you can to get your mom near your sister.

Your mom will probably live a long time and you have a chance to not be the only one who has to do everything.

Once your mom is settled perhaps you can move again.

But now your sister will be in place, and all those relatives.

I am the sole caregiver and I'm exhausted. I would jump at a chance to share the burden...

Good luck

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