Single and Taking Care of 88 year old Father

by Carol
(Florida)

My father has never liked me as I was growing up. I am 50 and I moved home to go back to college when I was in my late 30's. My Mom was alive then. My Mom wanted me to stay after graduating and getting a job so I did. My Mom since passed away, and for the last six years, I have lived with my father. I have always paid to live here...the house belongs to both my father and I.


It had been okay when my father was able to do things on his own, but now that he is disabled. My brothers cannot understand why I need a break! Last year, my one brother who lives close finally took over the taking my dad shopping and to doctors, etc. My brother does not work and I work full time.

That is great that he has been helping, but he charges my father...gas money, lunch etc. If he cuts the grass, he pays himself, if once in a years time, comes over and cleans my dad's room, he pays himself.

My older brother does nothing. The house has gone down hill as I'm too tired when I get home from a demanding job and I honestly have given up trying to keep things clean. I go tired of cleaning his spit out of the sink, spills on the floor etc.

I end up being the "bad" person in all this...I have to talk to my brother to see if Dad will be okay if I go away for a weekend....wanted to go away for two weeks and I couldn't as Dad couldn't be alone that long...Dad does not want to go visit them for a few days or week, and they feel he shouldn't be made to, nor do they want to stay here...they have families.

I'm tired of having to tell someone where I'm going, how long I'll be gone etc. I am just tired. Tired of my dad yelling at me like I'm 8 and tired of being with him every morning and every night...my only break is my stressful job. I love my Dad...but I'm now totally giving up my life and mental health to this man. My brothers just don't get it!

Feeling hopeless.
Carol
Sorry if this does not make a lot of sense...I'm just tired tonight.

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Time to Make a Major Change
by: Anonymous

You've created your own mess. Only you can fix it. If you are tired you need to change the dynamics. You need to move out first, then sell the house.

If your father objects you can go to court fairly inexpensively and have the court order the sale, it can even order your father out if necessary in order to sell it. Stop thinking of your father as a dependent, he is not. He would do fine (relatively speaking) in an elderly care facility if he chooses to get along but you are spoiling him, and for what reason?

He has an obligation to live his own life and you have a right to live yours. Stop coming up with reasons that your "can't" do this or that. You can and should. You can't assume he is going to do the convenient thing and die gracefully and quickly. The longer you wait the harder it is.

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