Sickened by Poisonous Words
by Daughter is Trying
Being in an unhealthy relationship with my Alzheimer's mother is like being in a boat on a stormy sea.
You go up and down and get sick from the plunges
I feel poisoned - shot with arrows of negativity. It is painful to get these feelings. Attacked, blindsided with slaps of pain.
Having a normal conversation one second, and then a bomb is dropped: words that hurt like "freeloader" or "live here rent-free". And the next thing - in a second - I feel sickened, completely washed in poison, my body filled with chemical that hurts.
Then back to normal. She doesn't even know what she did. It's been going on my entire life. But I live, knowing that at any second, another slash of sword can appear. Always on edge. Waiting, watching, wondering, if the evil, negative, nasty, hurtful, mean, poisonous knife is going to be wielded on me.
And wondering, is it me? Did I deserve it? That somehow I am bad and wrong. No matter how hard I try, or how tirelessly I work, I can never please the angry mother.