Siblings

It seems to be very easy for siblings to turn a blind eye toward our situations.

I have a brother who lives in another state, and granted it's not easy for him to leave his job and come to see Mom, but that's ALL he does. He comes and sees Mom a couple times a year for 4 days each visit. That's 8 days out of 365.

I use to be excited when he came because it was such a relief to have family around, but he leaves so fast it's like he was never here.

In fact, it just turns out to be more work. I have to get food in the house, plan meals, get the spare bedroom ready, plan places to go and after he leaves do all the clean up.

There's no time for him to help with any repairs or deal with any of the lists I have going or even talk about future plans with Mom.

And Mom gets so worked up about the visit that we have to talk about it and plan for it everyday before he even arrives because she can't even remember the date he's coming!

Nor does he even check with me to see would there possibly be a better date to arrive so that I can leave for those 4 days and have the time off!!! No, he arranges it around HIS calendar.

He gets to come and go and his conscious is appeased that he has done his duty and he is there for his Mother. He has seen her and now he can go back to his life and forget about it until the next time.

It's all just ridiculous. I feel more akin to these people on the Internet who write into Boomers and actually understand what it's like, than I feel toward my own brother who hasn't a clue!

So I feel for you, and I do understand exactly what you're feeling and going through, and no, your siblings will never get a clue, and they will never know what you are going through, even after it's all said and done.

I think the sooner we realize that this is our journey to figure out for ourselves, the better off we are. No expectations leads to no resentment.

I have a little story about a friend of mine. We grew up together in this same town. When her Mother got old and could no longer be alone, the youngest daughter was "the chosen one" to move in and take care of the Mom.

There were 6 siblings in that family, but the youngest one was not married and had no children. When the Mom passed, I went to the funeral and I said to my friend, it must have been hard for your sister to put her life on hold and take care of your Mom these last years. And her comment to me, Oh no! It worked out for everyone! And I thought to myself, there it is.

That is the sibling attitude of, It worked for me! therefore it worked for everyone! An interesting note is that after the Mom's death, that youngest sibling packed up and left town and joined a Buddhist monastery and I believe she had to go find her sanity.

Comments for Siblings

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Siblings, what can we all say?
by: Anonymous

This is still better than what my cheapo sister can offer. She brings down soup twice a year and stays for an hour or two at most before she high tails it back home.

Anything else doesn't fit her schedule or lifestyle and her excuse is that gas is $4 a gallon and too expensive for her to drive and help with mom. Gotta love siblings.

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Caregiver in ND
by: Heather

I'm so frustrated with my sibling not helping with our parents. I'm the only one that works in my family due to my husband is disabled. I feel alone and sad.

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Brother in Law is Not Interested
by: Susan - UK

My mother in law is 94 and my husband and I look after his mum. His brother lives two hours drive away and gives us no support at all.

I love my mother in law so much but resent so much how my brother in law is held up as the favourite son.

I feel guilty about feeling this but at the same time I'm angry and it's starting to spoil my relationship with her

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Well said
by: Daughter is trying

Strange isn't it how some people seem to get to live better lives than others. Why is that?

Is it my fault that I am compassionate and sympathetic? Am I hard wired to be self sacrificing? I guess so. I just can't seem to put myself first and cause someone like my mother pain.

My brothers theoretically say they want to help, but that's far different from the 24/7 sacrifice I am living.

Their answer is to put her away in a locked ward.

Soon I will have to agree with them, because I am worn out from doing this alone.

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Tell your brother how you feel
by: Anonymous

I told my brother how and I felt, I sat him down just me and him and said I can't deal with Mommy anymore, I'm going to have a heart attack.

I've dealt with mommie for 10 years while she moved around with me in the military, then when I came home another 14 year. She wasn't difficult back when she move around with me. She has just become difficult since I came home.

So I spoke up and I finally get to enjoy my new marriage, married 2 years now without jumping at my mothers every request.

She complained to my brother about my shopping for her and didn't appreciate anything I did for her. Now she started to call me that my brother doesn't know how to shop. I told her the grass isn't always greener on the other side! I don't want to hear it.

I'm sorry your having such problems. I feel guilty because I now do not even want to go and see my mother.

She came over on her birthday 89 had a little party and she criticize me, from when am I going to have the baby I'm so fat, to my homes decor. My sister-in-law even made a face. She lashes out and everyone. I just refuse to take it.

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Sorta mean, but worth it!
by: Anonymous

I so understand your anger and resentment. The only thing I can tell to do is this. When your brother announces that he is coming, make plans to go away for those days.

Do not tell your Mom or your brother.

When he gets there, say that your going on a long weekend(or whatever) and if he has any questions he can call you.

Then leave.

Both he and your Mom will be fine. I don't about when you come back, but, hopefully he and your mom will have seen the need for you to get away for awhile. I would do it to my brother in a heartbeat.

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