It seems to be very easy for siblings to turn a blind eye toward our situations.
I have a brother who lives in another state, and granted it's not easy for him to leave his job and come to see Mom, but that's ALL he does. He comes and sees Mom a couple times a year for 4 days each visit. That's 8 days out of 365.
I use to be excited when he came because it was such a relief to have family around, but he leaves so fast it's like he was never here.
In fact, it just turns out to be more work. I have to get food in the house, plan meals, get the spare bedroom ready, plan places to go and after he leaves do all the clean up.
There's no time for him to help with any repairs or deal with any of the lists I have going or even talk about future plans with Mom.
And Mom gets so worked up about the visit that we have to talk about it and plan for it everyday before he even arrives because she can't even remember the date he's coming!
Nor does he even check with me to see would there possibly be a better date to arrive so that I can leave for those 4 days and have the time off!!! No, he arranges it around HIS calendar.
He gets to come and go and his conscious is appeased that he has done his duty and he is there for his Mother. He has seen her and now he can go back to his life and forget about
it until the next time.
It's all just ridiculous. I feel more akin to these people on the Internet who write into Boomers and actually understand what it's like, than I feel toward my own brother who hasn't a clue!
So I feel for you, and I do understand exactly what you're feeling and going through, and no, your siblings will never get a clue, and they will never know what you are going through, even after it's all said and done.
I think the sooner we realize that this is our journey to figure out for ourselves, the better off we are. No expectations leads to no resentment.
I have a little story about a friend of mine. We grew up together in this same town. When her Mother got old and could no longer be alone, the youngest daughter was "the chosen one" to move in and take care of the Mom.
There were 6 siblings in that family, but the youngest one was not married and had no children. When the Mom passed, I went to the funeral and I said to my friend, it must have been hard for your sister to put her life on hold and take care of your Mom these last years. And her comment to me, Oh no! It worked out for everyone! And I thought to myself, there it is.
That is the sibling attitude of, It worked for me! therefore it worked for everyone! An interesting note is that after the Mom's death, that youngest sibling packed up and left town and joined a Buddhist monastery and I believe she had to go find her sanity.