Siblings Seem Fine to Let Me Have the Burden

by Miserable in Missouri
(Kansas City, MO)

Since childhood, being the oldest and female, I have had more than my fair share of taking care of siblings, cousins, etc., and including mothering duties since our mother was single most of the time and working to support raising 7 of us.

Years on, I married and had 3 children with an opportunity to get my masters degree as an older student with 2 grandchildren already. My mom lived with my family several times which was a drag literally financially and mentally. She criticized my schooling as irresponsible since I wasn't cooking every meal for my son and husband, my girls were grown and on their own.

I then took care of in-laws who died at home with cancer over a few years, mom went to live with my brother a few months and sister several years. Needless to say, too many obligations kept me from working a career using my degree.

I had to bring mom back on a 36 hour drive, set her up in an apartment for a year while eventually taking charge of her medical, financial, etc. Before we finally convinced her to move into an assisted living/retirement home.

She went from mild to moderate dementia due to Alzheimer's. Not much help from my 3 brothers, 2 sisters give me input, encouragement and call my mom, send monetary help at times. 3 brothers try to stay out of any responsibility
whatsoever, while another does minimal but signed to be power-of-attorney.

Mom may have to be in a memory care facility as she is acting up pretty badly and the present home does not specialize in Alzheimer's treatment.

Should she have to go, I forewarned my brother in case he winds up taking over his duties sooner than he thinks. I will be happy to finally let someone else take over. Problem is, he is busy working and claims doesn't have time to research alternative plans, for me to do that, etc.
I've been looking forward to eventually getting back to clubs and hobbies, perhaps visit long lost friends, and visit my grandchildren.

I volunteer at the nursing home, spend social time with mom and some residents who live there but I want to do other things too, it's been so long. I'm also paying for mom's burial plan, kept her car and fixed it up safer for $3,200 so it's easier for her and the home residents to get in rather than my lifted jeep or pickup truck.

Haven't I done my share already? Shouldn't my brother step in and try to get the 5 other siblings to help instead of me anymore? Because I don't have a paying job, my life activities shouldn't be discounted as "not importantly busy" right?

I'll still visit, take her and residents on outings and continue to volunteer at the nursing home.

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by: Anonymous

Egads, you are the definition of a martyr.

How can you expect your brother to help you when you have shouldered so much responsibility over the years? He'll just say to himself "out of sight, out of mind. She's dealing with it."

It's obscene to have been so willing to be such a saint at the sacrifice of your self. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and I don't want to be judgmental, but PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN, yesterday!

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