Siblings say "WE will never put mom in nursing home" but I am the only one in the "WE" doing the work.

by D
(Oklahoma)

In 2006 my mom was 74 years old. She bought the house that was literally in my back yard. 2 years later I moved in with the knowledge that I would be caring for mom. I have 2 sisters, one is single & one is married and both are able bodied and could care for mom if they had to. Mom smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day and is not a particularly loving person.


She has severe Crohn's , stage 4 COPD and Pulmonary Cachexia. The first 5 years I mowed the yard bought half of the groceries did all of the shopping, cooking and cleaning ( I am not a white glove house keeper, I do basic cleaning vacuuming, dishes etc but her smoking covers the walls) after the first 5 years her health started to go downhill and I was struggling to run my business , care for the house and for her.

I asked my sisters for help but the only help I got was my younger ( wealthy) sister would take mom to the casino so I could shampoo the carpets and clean up the "granny cave/ smoking room". My gambling sister started taking money via a debit card from moms social security account without asking mom. It got out of control quickly.

She had told me she was taking some money out and felt that that meant I was responsible, when mom found out. ( I did not receive any of the funds, I was at home taking care of mom and she was at casinos).

When my mom called the bank and demanded paper copies of her bank statements, ( my sister had put it in paperless and only she had the online access) I had to explain to mom who is now 88 what the 17 atm casino withdrawals of 200 to 400 dollars each time were.

MOM was livid and my sister has hated me ever since. She has written the most awful letters you can imagine reading. She has forbidden my nieces and nephews from contacting me and they do not want to get in the middle of this.

I dont blame them I wanted out of the firestorm myself. After a year of being blamed and accused of elder abuse, I decided I needed a vacation. So I booked a 9 day trip to Mexico to see if I wanted to retire there and turn the caregiving , that I was doing a "shitty job" of, over to my 2 sisters.

My only addiction is that I drink 4 beers in the evening and I do need my share of an inheritance that I feel I have earned and worked for. Now you know what my downfalls are. I do not drink wine or liquor only light beer, after 6 pm to get to sleep around 11 , after Rachael Maddow and Laurence O'Donnell . Mom was never a loving person and now even less so but she is not bed ridden and refuses to be put in a nursing home anyway.

She can change her own diapers but she can only use her walker to go to the bathroom and back and forth between her TV/smoking room and her bedroom. My sisters flipped out when I told them I was going on vacation. They felt that I did not deserve a vacation and refused to watch mom.

They live less than 2 miles from us
and have no kids at home, one works 10 hours a week and the other has not had to work in 30 years, lives in a 5 bed mini mansion with brand new cars , a travel trailer ,a speed boat and every luxury you could want.

Even though I have kept our mother out of a nursing home for the last 7 years they still say "You live there for free" I have paid to live here in utilities and food and house keeping and caregiving and I have a business that supports my own expenses.

I refused to cancel my trip and I went, as a matter of fact I told them that I was going for 2 months and they would have move in and care for mom in my absence. I wanted them to start taking some responsibility.

After I left they hired a 42 year old homeless, couch surfing, drug addict ( crystal meth) who had just gotten out of the hospital for a triple brain aneurysm, caused by crystal meth and had no drivers license .....to move in and care for our mom.

They gave her my bedroom, $100 a week , the use of moms car and lied to mom about her "no drivers license" They did this because they never had any intention of taking care of their mom. They have dozens of excuses.

I knew that hiring my homeless drug addicted daughter was a big mistake and so did they. Now I am back and sleeping on a foam pad in moms kitchen and my daughter is out of control, she takes moms car out at 2 am to pick up men at strip clubs and bars to bring here to our home while mom and I are sleeping.

I think that is a dangerous thing to do but my daughter thinks it is normal and my sisters think it is none of my business.

Then she takes moms car to take them back to the bar the next morning. When she gets paid the $100 a week she heads straight to her drug dealer at night in moms car to pick up her drugs.

My sisters refuse to say anything and I am dealing with a meth head that is becoming more violent every day. Now my sisters are screaming at me to go back to Mexico.

I am retiring there as soon as the Covid virus is cleared because frankly my dears I have had it and I deserve a life.

They believe that everything my daughter does is worth the risk because at least they dont have to care for mom and their job is to show up for the reading of the will which splits the family trust evenly between the 3 of us.

I will be printing this out and sharing it with my sisters because they really do believe that they are in the right. Please be honest in your opinions.

Everything I am telling you is the truth and if you are a non-care giving sibling who feels that you or my sisters should never have to care for their mom......then say so and tell everyone why you feel that way. I am not the only caregiver in this country who is facing problems like this. When they come over it becomes a screaming match and they all focus on blaming me for everything that is happening. Honest opinions and suggestions please.

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