Siblings Attacking Me - the Caregiver

by Kristine
(Provo, UT)

My husband and I have lived with my parents for almost 12 years. My father has Dementia/Alzheimer's in addition to various other health problems. My 76-year old mother also has health problems.

My husband, who has some health-care experience quit his job so that he could stay home and take care of my parents. I have a full-time job and a 10 year old son. We have only one son mostly because we are responsible for taking care of my parents. My parents and us (husband, son and I) get along great and live very peacefully and are content with our living arrangement.

The problem lies with my 8 siblings - all of which live close by. Some visit once a week - others don't visit at all. I encourage and thank them for coming and visiting their parents. I never interfere when they do come to the house.

In fact, my husband and I make it a point to allow my siblings some time alone with our parents. We've never tried to discourage or prevent my siblings from being a part of their parents' lives. In fact, I've gone out of my way to try and include them in the caregiving.

The problem is that they all are quick to criticize, complain and accuse my husband and I of taking advantage of my parents or other wrong doing. Their accusations, rumors, worries are absolutely ridiculous and false.

My husband and I have spend thousands of dollars on counseling, trying to learn how to deal with the hurt and abuse that we suffer from my siblings.
We believe that my siblings are acting this way because they feel guilty or maybe jealous of my husband and I.

They treat our parents with respect and kindness, but my husband and I are the victims or malicious lies, accusations and verbal abuse. Especially my husband. My siblings have started some very cruel and untrue rumors about him that are untrue and uncalled for.
I would like to know if there is anyone else out there who has experienced anything similar?
What can I do?

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Be careful of decisions you make
by: Anonymous

I was called by my mother crying because siblings were putting her in assisted living. I drove all the way to pick her up we lived different states. Within a month the aps calls started.

Allegations I was monitoring her calls r I was stealing all her money etc. my mother came here with one suitcase of craft items. She has always been the type who blames everyone for things. I still took her in for 10 years.

I took her fishing shopping road trips whatever she wanted. She is a hoarder so I did monitor what she bought. I have been accused of everything possible. I caught my mother calling me names and talking bad about my kids.

My husband got tired of the drama and walked out of our marriage of 28 years. I haven't seen or talked to him in two years. None of my kids talk to me either. I found out it was my mother spreading lies.

But I didn't kick her out and the bad part is I had to borrow money because my husband took every dime I had nothing. I always asked her before I used any of her money. One day I went to check on her she had locked her door. She was yelling I was trying to kill her.

Police were called she went to hospital. She was talking fine so they said she just hated me. When she found out if she didn't want to go back to my house they would place her she suddenly changed her tune.

Everything was ok until the next night I went to get her dishes as I bent down she threw rubbing alcohol in my face. Cops called again this time cop said moms behavior was looney. Called her doctor next day and adult protective doctor was no help adult protective came and after evaluation said she's got dementia and we needed to have her declared.

Before that could happen she went to hospital again and again she was acting appropriately and didn't want to see me again. My family has not helped me take care of her they say I am lying about her mental health. she is moving back to her home state and being placed in a home.

I lost everything taking care of her and then I find out they all knew she had these mental problems before I got her and they didn't tell me. I know she accused everyone of stealing from her but I didn't check into her allegations.

She tells me to do things I did it then she denies it. When she is gone I want nothing to do with any of them. Growing up my mother was not a nice person. We went without food but she never did. She physically abused us three older kids. But I still took care of her never raised a hand to her. I was raised to honor the parents.

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Nice to know I'm not alone!
by: Anonymous

My husband and I were asked to move in with my father in law a over 10 years ago. Shortly after, I ended up giving my education and career up to take full time care of him. My husband has been out of work for a while due to degenerative disk disease. After my father in law's house burned down, everything went horrible. His other kids suddenly decided to take off with him.

We got him back in our care only to find out APS was contacted with horrible accusations. Two years later, I find out that it was his fiduciary (from a nonprofit organization) who made the claims. She also immediately had him sign over his rights to his own insurance!

I was extremely upset because this woman doesn't know his personal needs and has an opinion on me, yet she's accusing me and my husband of doing exactly what she has done, if that makes since. He needs constant care, plus I have my own two kids and am frequently stressed out, but it gets made worse when the fiduciary constantly accuses me of not contributing. So, I drew up a caregiver contract and now she acts like I'm taking that.

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God bless every single one of you
by: Anonymous

I came to this site seeking others who have experienced what felt like only I had lived-
Although your accounts have broken my heart and have my deep empathy for the experiences you have suffered - I wanted to thank you- thank you all for re-telling your pain because in doing so it made one person and I'm guessing many more feel so not alone-

I won't bore you with my story but I will say it is quite similar to many of yours.

The things we tried to do with the best intentions and love in our hearts for the people we love become the very thing that is used to try and destroy us -

I always felt if I live above reproach no one can say a word against me - untrue. If there is nothing to say it can still be made up-

I believe I'm the most disappointed in all those who would believe rumor and innuendo rather then what they saw with their own eyes but I suppose its human nature to want to believe the worst- never believed it would bother me so much what others thought of me but it does hurt to be ostracized for doing good- again thank you all from the depth of a broken heart - a special prayer for each and every one of you-

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I've lost my family, my children, my husband and Myself!
by: Anonymous

OMG! Finally I hear of others getting reported to Social Services for respecting your parent's wishes to live & die @ home.

I quit my career 10 years early to start a business and care for my Mom (in her 90s & tested competent when she was in a nursing home for rehab from playing tennis!), though I'd already been caring for her by many, many phone calls & visits (over 30 miles from my home), since my Dad died in '04.

I'd found out my sister was selling her home w/out her knowledge, never going to let her see her home again And had already packed up her 2 most used rooms (via her neighbor who called ME & asked, What the hell is going on?)!

I promised my Mom I'd take care of her as long as I was able. She wanted me to take over everything. She and I are slow on paperwork and didn't complete the process 'til 1 yr. later. My backup is my adult son who's an out of work scientist.

The moment we turned in a Personal Care Agreement (undercut our compensation by 2/3 of what she'd have to pay strangers), was the same day we were reported for fiduciary abuse of a vulnerable adult!! We were shocked, dismayed and figured out it had to have been my sister (control freak, bossy, know-it-all, condescending vindictive woman).

No one speaks to me, my sons or my husband.
We've changed our entire lives, given out of love and respect for my lovely, sweet (now almost 99 yr.s old), caring, happy, well cared for, loved Mom! She and I, the baby of 4 children, have always been very close! Unlike any of my siblings, she told me 2 years ago - -well they're all sort of cold - And, you're Not!
It was the nicest thing she's ever said in comparison to my older siblings.

But no one has asked me a single question! I fall deeper in depression, anxiety and fear, at the same time I'm slowly losing my best friend - my Mom.

We (my husband & I), don't understand why we can not know who did this (for certain), and seem to have no recourse.

Sad in MN

(the S.W. investigation continues - though we never hear a thing! It just hangs over my life.)

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My sister from hell
by: Anonymous

My sister has called APS on me numerous times, every time I am cleared of any wrongdoing. I have had to go to court to defend myself, she has called police on me all the time.

She lives in another state and does nothing to help me and or my parents but calls them daily and throws me under the bus and blames me for anything and everything.

My dad has Alzheimer's/dementia and my mother is mentally ill. I do everything from cleaning, food prep, babysitting, trips to doctors, etc. My other siblings do nothing but call once in awhile, they have their married lives and don't seem to have time for them. My siblings are in denial.

My dads neurologist has declared him Alzheimer's/dementia and my sister removed him from neurologist and threw away his memory medications.

I am tired and have tried to get them into assisted living but my mother refuses.
Help! I need some advice!

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never speaking to my brother again.
by: Anonymous

my brother does nothing to help me. i will never speak to him again. such a f a hole.

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Family lies and accusations
by: Anonymous

My youngest child died in 2008. I took care of my dad after. He went into hospital and my sister accused me of stealing and lying.

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Attacked by sibling and their family
by: Anonymous

I completely understand I work two jobs and I live with my 92 year mom who I do not want to put in rest home I receive no other help from 4 other sibling except for one sister whom has cancer and does not feel well but relieves me when she is having a good day.

I pay my moms sitter so we are all able to work a job. I have stayed here 24/7 unless to go to work. I have not been relieved, one sister says she wants to make me suffer , I look at that as I'm not suffering I love my mom and would do anything for her.

I miss my home and my husband but my husband helps me when he can . He is my rock . I have missed doctor appointments and have neglected my health as their life goes on selfishly.

I continue yard work laundry doctor visits grocery cooking cleaning but their lives do not change. I don't see how they sleep at nite and go on vacations or get in their car whenever they want without having to ask may I. Shame on you. You can lie and criticize me to your church friends

But God you cannot lie to he knows your heart! Time to step up for your mom if not for me.She is your mama and you don't even call or visit . What do you tell people when they ask about your mom. Lost for words because you really don't know what is happening in her life.

So sad I pray for you, and I love my mama and I am not a quitter

"Flowers grow back even after they are stepped on and I will survive". I may be the baby of 5 siblings but I am strong!!

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Me, too.
by: Anonymous

It started when I cared for my brother with lung cancer. My brother Mike and I were very close prior to cancer. He called me when he had pain, while at work. I pushed him to go to the ER immediately. He did. When he was at the hospital I asked him to stay with me, so that he did not go home after the hospital.

He was single and didn't want a home care nurse. I loved him so much!!! He was my confidante and I was his. I set up his am pills , afternoon pills, and PM pills, I got his Rx filled, I counted his pills each day to make sure he took the afternoon pills. I made sure he was eating, prepared his meals, bought him his favorite meals from a diner a lot, because he would only eat certain food and his appetite was not good.

I had to make sure he was eating everyday. When he returned to his home, i kept up with grocery shopped for him , prepared meals , and did all the errands, but I could watch how he took his medication anymore or make sure he was properly eating, when he said he did.

That was really hard. I transferred him from one cancer center to a better cancer center. He had short term disability applications and long term applications. I helped him to get them in and on time so he would have his money for his bills quickly, before his last sick day ran out . Caregiving is 100% and it is stressful, because I didn't know how I would find him every time when I went to his house. And, I hated leaving his house to go home at night. I did this all after work and on weekends.

I would call him too when I came home at night just to say goodnight and we would talk so much before bed.when Mike died , my 2 brothers made accusations about me re: money.

They never Sat down with me to ask questions when they had them. They only accused and shunned me ! It was a real knife stab to my heart. I was exhausted from losing mike. It was the sickest most Heartbreaking thing to have happen, after you lose the family member you loved soooo much.

My father , was my other hero and he kept explaining, but they didn't listen. Come to find, my mother was behind it all with my 2 brothers. She was always cruel to me my whole life. But, this was the lowest of the twisted! It came out after my father died 6 months ago.

It is emotional abuse in its worst form. You know why? Because we gave everything to our family member who died. we needed love from our family more than ever, when our family/best friend died, but we were emotionally sucker punched in our grief instead.

My father loved his own sister and his daughter, too. my mother and 2 surviving brothers never did. They didn't attempt a relationship with Mike , before cancer either, when they had the chance. I will not find my dad and Mike, in the strange mother and 2 surviving brothers.

Dad and Mike are with me in spirit. I remember their joyous laugh/ their gentleness, kindness and love, in the memories of my heart. And, there is where they live.

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My thoughts...tough love
by: Anonymous

Maybe, and I may sound harsh, offer or let them take care of your parent or parents and see if the other siblings criticize that one let them step into your shoes at the very least for a Time if nothing else they might have an appreciation of what you're trying to do and sooner or later either one or more will have to take care of both parents or someone between the eight Ivy if not all of you will have to make the ultimate decision to put your parents in a rest home of some type

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Reply to family accusations
by: Anonymous BKW

I totally understand where your coming from. I have tried so many times to make everyone feel welcomed n my husband has to. But,it seems like that's not good enough.

They ALWAYS blame me for something. One of sisters whom I'm closer to, I'll tell her something, next day she denies it n goes off like a time bomb. I don't know what to do.

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I am not the only 1.
by: Anonymous

I am thankful for this website, because I thought I was the only one. I got sick and asked for help.

Did I get punished because I asked for help. I was shunned by my brother and sis in law. They gave specific instructions to the doctor not to speak to me.

Then they lied to the home health social worker causing an APS investigation.

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Betrayal
by: Anonymous

My sibling went as far as shunning me from my own mothers care and doctors because I was sick and needed help. Since I asked for help, my brother and sis in law shunned me from the doctor.

The doctor and doctor staff were given instructions not to speak to the daughter.

Then they lied to the home health social worker causing the social worker to call APS and conduct an investigation.

It was difficult enough trying to care for my mom and dad by myself. And then to be shunned and lied about is incomprehensible. I did stick up for myself. I know I will never receive an apology from them.

I have forgiven them, but I do not want to continue a relationship with them, because I do not deserve to be treated like that. My father wants me to pretend like it never happened, but it did and I am not going to pretend for the sake of show.

It is what it is and I am just dealing with the grief of the betrayal and shunning. I didn't know my own blood could turn against me but they did.

I am thankful for my other brother and sister in law who did support me. I just realized they really really are terrible people deep down to their core.

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Only child of 7
by: Anonymous

I call myself the only child of 7 because no one else was around to help til Mom was nearly gone.

Shortly after Dad died, Mom also got cancer. Treatable, but not curable. They had a big place because they raised a big family and she wanted to stay there.

My kids were grown and i was finally able to do something for myself but Mom needed me. The entire 8 years, i kept everyone in the loop. But the crazy had come out soon after Dad died and has not gone away in all this time.

Turns out, they thought she needed to move out of her home right after he died and they believed i kept that from happening. She was completely lucid and in good physical condition til the end. She was even babysitting for some of them.

My thought was that if all she was asking was to live, and then doe, in her own home, well, i could do that. It has been a nightmare. Ive been slapped, accused of stealing pain medications and money, ostracized, I used my savings to live on when I couldn't work because I was caregiving.

I miss my mom. I would do it all over. One of our last talks was about the sacrifices i had made for her and how hurt she was that the others couldn't even visit.

She also talked about me being her hardest worker but had the lead to showas for it. I became so sick from the attacks that i ended up a patient where Mom went.

First thing Doc said to me was, "you took such good care of your mother." I have stood up for myself and been met by horrible attacks. I'm finally done caring.

My kids no longer believe them because they got caught in lies. I have to move on from them because my child has cancer.

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Suddenly interested
by: Anonymous

I have been the primary caregiver for many years. I was made Power Of Attorney also many years ago. In the past two to three years, my siblings suddenly started helping out some.

Now my brother is suddenly interested in the legal matters. Also taking active interest in medical matters (he used to get bored hearing about it).

There has always been jealousy on his part. I wanted to have a relationship and was wrong to even trust him a little. He is now coming up with the most outlandish lies - and tells them in church also - that are so irrational that surely no one in their right mind would believe it.

While they were out having a good time for YEARS, guess who was holding down the fort? It takes a lot of nerve to attack someone who has done without all those years while you were out enjoying yourself.

The hatred that emanates from them is unbelievable. Parents who should have had great final years are not shocked to see this behavior.

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Simply Not Fair
by: Anonymous

I can't understand how caretakers have to take so much off the siblings who chose to just point fingers. It's sad that we have to reach out to one another for support, it's simply not fair that you do the best you can for your parents and it's almost as though there are no laws to support you.

There is nothing that says, if you're not helping with your elderly parent then you should probably keep your mouth shut! I know there are folk whose out there hurting or causing harm to their parents, but what about the ones, who have their parents best interest at hand?
Its just not fair!

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Finding balance
by: Nora

I have almost the exact same situation. My father passed away 8 months ago and I have medical POA over my Mother who has severe dementia.. Not one of my siblings will help care for my Mother. Even on Holidays. They continually critique everything I do for Mom. There should be a law in place to prevent this type of abuse.

It makes an already difficulty situation even harder. I'm trying my hardest to keep Mom in her own home and do have caregivers when I'm not there so I'm grateful for that. The siblings are very critical of these wonderful caregivers and I don't understand why.

They don't understand that nursing homes are so awful.. I pray I can remain strong and have a happy life too. I also cherish this time with my Mom and know that I'm giving her the best quality of life that I can.

I continually strive for balance and letting go of all the negative. The important thing for me was letting go of my siblings. It was hard but it was necessary for me to do. I hope all of my fellow caregivers take some time to care for yourself.

Yoga, exercise, sleep and eating right have helped me tremendously. I also try to savor the beautiful gentle moments I share with my beloved Mom.

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I need advice
by: Desprate for help

My patents were independent people the last night before moms stroke. She was feeding a bunch of her grand kids but then the next morning she was rushed to the hospital fighting for her life. She has done a lot better than what doctors predicted but she is paralyzed from half her body and can not speak for a whole year.

I had no help from family if I did it was with pay I myself get 6 hours of pay from the IHSS but put in a lot more than that but to make a long story short know after a year of no one wanting to show up they decide to take over for me to give my sister the checks and move out of my parents house. They have acussed me of abuse and neglect and even stealing the thing is one time that I very depressed.

I did let the house get a little messy and that's when they came and took pictures what can they do to me with that help

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I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

My mom moved in a few years ago. She is in her late 80's. My siblings have accused me of giving her my medications. Some won't even come to my house to visit her.

They say we moved her out without telling anyone but, we had a family meeting and they all agreed for her to live with me. I have caretaker stress and depression.

It is really hard to see my mom sitting and waiting for her children that never show up. Some only come to visit each other, strange huh?

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Untruths Told by Sick Parent
by: Anonymous

Has anyone experienced your parent telling your siblings that they were afraid of you. My mother and dad were my best friends.

The night my dad passed I starting staying with my mother every night, did everything for her that she could not do, plus worked and took care of my own house that I was rarely at.

My brothers did nothing and the one that has accused me of being a liar and thief lives out of town and rarely even called.

In the last week of my mother's life her kidneys were not working properly and according to my brother told him that she was scared of me. My mother and I have always been best friends. Laughed and had a wonderful time, took many trips together. She was my best friend.

I want to know if anyone else has had this experience. Not only did I lose my mother, best friend, but lost my brothers too because they believe a lie.

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Sick of it
by: Anonymous

Hello, me and my husband take care of his mother. We had to move in with his parents and live out of a room.

We've done this for at least 10+ years. Daddy past and momma is going down. But it has been a Living HELL! His siblings only CARE ABOUT THE MONEY!

Instead of asking "is their anything they can do", all we get is grief. Never call and use excuses why they don't come to house because they feel uncomfortable.

I'm the in law but I do everything. It's really sad that they treat us so bad all because they think we're getting all the money. Instead of helping out because we might benefit they chose not to really sad.

WHAT'S worse is my husband feels deeply hurt not only because how they make him feel but how ugly they treat me! Even though mama is 87 she still has her mind and my husband puts her first always.

He is a good man just sick of all the added stress ! Sad, but I just think their guilty for not helping and upset because we are here. But we were ASKED...

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What exactly are our rights
by: Anonymous

What are our rights as power of attorney. I get so many conflicting reports. I am afraid to do anything because of getting in trouble.

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It doesn't end when they die either
by: Anonymous

I had two nice brothers and two spiteful childish brothers. Now my spiteful brothers do their best to attack as much as possible even though our Mother and Father are deceased.

I gave my life to caring for them and helping them in their old age. My brothers ran around and had a great time never lifting a finger.
It's disgusting.

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Provision/Law to Protect Caregivers from Sibling Attacks
by: Anonymous

To 'Don't let them beat you'

I suggested my sibling to care for mom while I went on holiday. Her solution was to stick mom in a nursing home as she was 'too busy' to care for her own mother for 1 week.

Her solution was a surprise since she had repeatedly asked me to take time off so she could care for mom. Proved to me she could talk the talk but could not do the walk. Needless to say, I did not take the break as I had set this up only to prove what I already knew.

Mom's well being was the furthest thing in siblings' mind and her 'attack' on me was/is her main agenda.

I agree that provision/law need to be put in place to protect caregivers from disgruntled siblings.

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Accusations
by: Siiiii

I thought I was alone in this but am surprised everybody has a story to tell. Mine is even worse my four siblings accuse me of everything, when things don't work out I am the first to be blamed and recently my Mum comments made this worse.

Have tried my best to make peace with them but every time one of them comes across a problem they sit and the person to be blamed...it's always me.

I have been a good sister to each I speak out my mind,have generally helped each financially when they were down ,now every one is well up and instead of appreciated I am now the black sheep.

I tried to reason with mum but what she told me left me more hurt. Just imagine raising your complain to your mum and all she could say is you should find out why they accuse you?

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Words do Hurt
by: Anonymous

In regards to the comment about not letting negative comments effect you is a insult to me. Words are powerful and God did not intend to be used to break ones spirit.

The Adult child Caregiver has usually put their own lives on hold to care for a parent(s) and since this take a selfless, compassionate, intelligent and sensitive person, its usually the nice ones in the family. I have four mean and abusive siblings.

So the mean siblings go on the attack and negotiating with them, in my experience is impossible and opens the door for mental and emotional abuse. It is not as simple as planning a vacation. Its the personal attach the caregivers receive from our siblings when asking for help and then not getting any help that becomes paralyzing after while.

I have never though I would feel so alone and helpless. My story is the same, gave up my job, my apartment my insurance etc and I moved in with my parents who suffer from blindness Alzheimer's etc. I used to fear becoming homeless but lately its not looking so bad lol.

I am not divorced and sadly not able to having children, I am dealing with by myself. My heart physically aches from sadness caused by my siblings. What can we do to get laws to protect the caregivers? I am ready to FIGHT for future caregivers.

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Same thing happened to me
by: Andrea C.

My husband and I left our good life, nice home, our entire lives to move in with my father when he was diagnosed with emphysema and could no longer care for his house or himself properly.

We are both nurses and were well equipped to care for him. We saved him tens of thousands of dollars by caring for him, his house, his yard.

We saved his entire savings of approximately $200k, which all would have gone to a nursing home because he had money and did not qualify for Medicaid. We did not qualify for any $ from the govt. because he was not Medicaid.

We did it for free and never charged him a single dime, while BOTH working f/t graveyard shift. My one sister visited about twice per year. The other sister visited about once every few months, and every time she did, refused to even acknowledge the presence of my husband and I and continuously bad-mouthed us, sent anti-Muslim e-mails to me (knowing my husband is Muslim), accused us of "stealing Dad's money," even though it was quite the opposite.

We knew first hand how bad nursing homes are because we work in them, and we would have died before putting my father in one, though my sisters would have gladly. His care was difficult and we did so much for him, but my sisters didn't even bother to educate themselves about his disease and made it clear they couldn't care less what we did for him or what he and we were going through on a daily basis.

We missed the opportunity to have a child and buy a home. We suffered much, but we did it out of love. Dad did not want to leave his home he built himself, and did not want anybody else taking care of him but my husband and I because he knew we were the only ones in the family who could do it. We suffered constant allegations and abuse from my sisters the entire time we cared for him.

They accused us of stealing his money, living "rent free" and getting a free ride. Nothing could have been further from the truth. One of my sisters actually demanded to know how soon my husband and I planned on vacating the house even though my poor Dad was lying 5 feet away in his bed dying and couldn't even speak at that point.

They demanded not only 1/3 each of everything he owned after he died, but they drove the price of his home up so much, even though it wasn't worth much and needed many expensive repairs, that my husband and I were forced to pay about $30k more than the home was worth just to pay them off.

Their greed, disrespect of my father, abuse of my husband and I, will affect us for the rest of our lives. My husband and I loved my Dad more than anybody on earth.

My husband and I now are both clinically depressed and needing therapy because of our experience and how my family treated us. Believe me, I know how you all feel, and it comforts me to know so many others have experienced the same thing and I'm not alone.

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Three Greedy Mean Sisters
by: Anonymous

I'm shocked at how my three sisters are behaving since I am my mothers and my brothers caregiver.

My brother lives with mother and he has stage 4 kidney cancer. My husband and I have full time jobs and am a nurse, we take them to all of the doctors' appointments, to the grocery store and check on them every day.

My sisters are mad because I am the Power of Attorney and my mother gave me a small piece of property beside of her. They go visit her and tell lies on me and keep telling my 83 year old mother that it is not fair that everything is no slip among them.

The worst part about this is they were once the Power of Attorney and refused to help her, plus she had no money and a small house that is only valued at around 40,0000. The won't speak to me any more and talk about me stating they are going to beat-me-up(how childish is this)?

The desire for control, and the jealously and greed had made them go nuts . I feel very sad that they won't have anything to do with me. What do you all think about this?

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Confused Stressed Abused
by: Anonymous

I am also caretaker my 79 year old father with Parkinson's. He suffered a stroke two years ago and I have taken on caring for him since no one else stepped up.

My brother lives in Oregon and my sister is 5 minutes away. Right now dad is dying and no one comes around leaving me alone to deal with all this...I am overwhelmed.

My sister is abusive towards me and I can barely take the pain. Why do they do this? What should I do as I am desperate....should I get paid for my time I have spent care taking?
So Sad, Julie

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Courage of your Convictions
by: Anonymous

My wife and I care gave for my elderly parents for 6 years. My Mother suffered from vascular dementia and eventually needed 24/7 care. We moved in with my parents to assist them with their needs.

This was appreciated by my 3 sisters the first couple of years. Only one sister living locally assisted me with my Mother's care during the first 3 years. She eventually "quit" because it became too physically and psychologically difficult to continue. After year 3, there was palpable resentment from my sisters towards my wife and I.

Rather than focusing on the needs of our dying Mother, they became incensed that we were living with their parents "rent free" and not "paying a mortgage", like them. While our business had to take a backseat to my parent's care, my wife and I were firm in our conviction (and my Father's)to let my Mother die in her home with her husband by her side. That's what they wanted.

My sister's had wanted to put her in a nursing home years earlier. Their resentment was also fueled by the fact my Father was paying me $474.00 per week for 24/7 care. While he had saved a considerable sum for his and my Mother's twilight years, his savings would have been depleted and he would have been forced to sell his house if he had opted to put my Mother in a nursing home and check into a retirement facility himself.

My wife and I had five grandchildren join our family in the time we care gave for my parents. Our family get gatherings and holiday celebrations served to enrich my parent's lives, even in my Mother's demented state. As my Mother came closer to her final days, my sister's behavior and actions were just beyond the pale.

As harsh words and statements are heaped on you, be sure you document everything that has been said. With today's technology, it's easier than ever to record events to be played back at a later date. It's amazing how siblings can say and hear things only they want to hear, while a record of the whole conversation will truly reveal to any outside party just how nasty and cruel siblings can be.

If you have the courage of your convictions, you'll see your care giving duties through to the end. Nobody will be able to make you feel bad about doing the right thing for your parent.

I just feel sadness and 'nothing' for that sibling who will regret, in the long run, not lifting a finger to help their ailing parent, while doing everything in their power to hurt the primary care giver. If you learn one thing in this world, its "what goes around comes around."

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Escalated to Next Level - my Sister, the Monster
by: Anonymous

You are not alone. My sister and I both have Power Of Attorney jointly and severally. Not my mother's choosing, but my sisters had this done when she took mom down and had her will rewritten.

I was sole Power Of Attorney and executor of her previous will. My sister was never around when we were growing up as kids. She preferred to be with her friends rather than her family. She would filter in and out of the family circle (there are 3 sisters, including me)when ever she needed something.

I live with my mom and am the primary care provider. I do everything.... My sister has accused me of elder abuse and with stealing my mothers money. My sister caused me to withdraw from nursing college because of her false claims at the bank of me stealing money.

She is wrong and I am angry the bank listened to her without any proof. She went behind my back and had mom deemed incapacitated. She lied to the assessor and told him she was the primary care provider who did everything for mom and I did nothing but steal her money.

She lives 2 hours away and comes down once/twice a month for one nights stay. The bank froze my mothers funds preventing me from using her money for her care. I had to quit school and get a job so I could financially care for her. I have gone into thousands of dollars in debt. My sister does not help. This has been going on for a little over a year now.

I am going to my lawyer on Wednesday to see about suing her for defamation of character. She is not a sister of mine...she is a malicious monster who is jealous of the relationship I have with my mom.

I want to just leave and get as far away from my sister as possible. My mom does not want me to leave and does not want my sister to move in with her.

So, here I sit ... no life, a job I hate, the stress of care giving and dealing with a monster. Mean hurtful words, accusations, physical violence, flattened my tires, etc...where's the door....I want out.

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Me Too
by: Anonymous

I have had the same things happen to me. I was actually turned in for elder abuse. No truth in any of the 18 accusations. It is making my parents miserable in what should be their happy carefree years. I encourage others to come and visit and have even made their house more comfortable for visitors.

I have two sisters that are thankful and an older brother and younger sister that are giving me nothing but grief. I think there is nothing any of us can do to please all the people all the time. I choose to ignore those that are all talk and no do. Karma does exist.

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Siblings from Hell
by: Anonymous

Yes I've experienced this poisonous treatment from my some of my siblings. I'm Power Of Attorney for my mother, after driving myself to exhaustion and breakdown, caring for my mother and attending to her needs, working full time and trying to maintain my family, my youngest brother accused me of stealing $80,000 because I bought a new home in the midst of this.

My new home is mortgaged to the max, and my old home was the down payment. I was furious. I no longer speak to my youngest brother, and never will again, not because I'm angry I just have nothing to say. I had my 2nd youngest brother appointed Power Of Attorney and washed my hands of the whole bunch.

I always promised my mother I'd watch over her and her affairs, but this was far too much and I had no quality of life and I got tired of fighting and defending myself, and I walked away. Siblings can be the worst, and I'm surprised I walked away, and I'm surprised there's such a breakdown in my family.

Once my mother passes I'll only keep in touch with one brother, the only one that's maintained his sanity.

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Don't let Them Beat You!
by: Anonymous

Although your life must be difficult, you seem to be coping in a positive way and providing a loving environment for your parents, all credit to you! Your siblings may be jealous,angry or just plain nasty, but they are certainly not helping you!

I admire your tenacity and know that you must be paying a price for this but don't allow their negativity to spoil what you have. Who cares what they have to say?

I may be being a little devilish here, but have you considered planning a holiday and allowing your siblings to take over for a few weeks? I'm sure you deserve a break and maybe they could do with a little hands on experience?????

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Not Alone
by: Anonymous

You are not alone. In my experience so far, the ones who help the least "critique" the most!! You are right about the possibility of them feeling guilty (and they might not even know that about themselves). ....it sucks! I feel for you.

It sounds as though your parents are lucky to have both of you and your son.
mary, santa rosa ca

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