She's Sailing.... I'm Failing....
How I wish I had taken the time to study the situation and done things differently.
I would not have moved in, I would have moved nearby. I would not be locked in her life 24/7, I would've come over on an as-needed basis. I would have scheduled a week out of the month to stay here and get all her doctors appointments and shopping needs done. I would have a life of my own.
It's too late now to move back out. I've been here one year and it's one year too much. I have an underlying stress and anxiety that never leaves me no matter what I do. I wake up with it, I go to bed with it. It's from watching my life slip away in the years to come. I feel myself sinking into a chronic depression.
Everyone has an opinion on what I'm doing. My mother's friends think I'm fulfilling my duty and they give me that thoughtful nod when they see us together, as if everything is how it should be. This sets right in their world.
My friend's tell me, put her in assisted living, get someone else to come in, move out. My mother doesn't want to leave her home, she doesn't want strangers in the house and she would feel abandoned and lost and hurt if I moved out.
I tell myself I have to find a better way, I have to find something that works for both of us, I have to do something, anything, now, because I'm desperate as the time goes by. It's not so much that I've been here a year already, it's that I see things only getting worse.
I see me tied down here even more as time goes on. I see the last best years of my life spent being angry and resentful. I see what was once a good relationship with my mom when we had distance, disintegrating with the closeness.
Sigh....another day in front of this screen, typing out my feelings, looking for answers. Another day of mundane errands, and calling on services, and what's for dinner. Another day where the hours go by and the time on my own life matches the ticking of the clock.
Usually, I write in with encouragement and hope for all of us, but today I feel defeated and without direction.
Tomorrow will be a new day, but today is today, and unfortunately it has only just begun.