Selfish Daughters

by Jeanne

I grew up in a dysfunctional home with alcoholism and abuse and eventually, as an adult, pulled away from the toxicity. It was consistent! I married and became the Mother of twin daughters and did everything in my power to raise them in a stable, loving home!

I was not perfect, made mistakes, but always took responsibility for them.

After recently losing my husband of 41 years, my daughters set boundaries on me. That was fine because I never wanted to be a burden to them and respected the fact they had a life of their own!!!! I knew my place! They were extremely helpful after my husband passed in setting up my finances and helping me sell my house and move, but when it came to the holidays, especially Christmas, they abandoned me totally.

I have no other family but them, and abandoning me at Christmas was hard to take! I didn't even put up a tree and was a sad time! When I did see them, they would rub it in how they put up their tree, learned to cook new dishes for the day. They are not married and share an apartment together.

When it was time for my yearly eye exam, I asked them if one of them would drive me since I was having my eyes dilated and would be difficult for me to drive home. I mentioned I would make the appointment around their schedule. They both refused saying what I was asking them was not reasonable.

I was in shock but they were adamant, even mentioning all the times I drove them did not budge their hearts! So, as difficult as it was, I drove myself.

At that visit I learned I needed cataract surgery and will need
a ride for surgery and post operation. I assumed they would deny me, but to my surprise they told me they wanted to be there for me. I also offered to pay for gas for their cars.

I thought maybe, hopefully they valued me more, but now find out they are looking at this as a sacrifice on their part. When I mentioned future eye exams where I will have my eyes dilated, which should be yearly, but there could be one after the surgery and post operation is over, then I am on my own as far as they are concerned. So, it is a pick and chose with them.

They left the nest late in life (in their thirties) and I assume a lot of this attitude has to do with spreading their wings for the first time. I understand the inconvenience of the cataract surgery for it is even an inconvenience for me as well, but I never thought I would be this kind of a burden to them! Their behavior is like they are tolerating me!

Also, if I have a question I email them and I am lucky if I get an answer. I really don't know what I am to them but I don't believe for a second they love me! It is not like I am calling them everyday or emailing them for I most certainly give them their space, and always have!

Now I am to the point where I am thinking of changing my will and leaving what I have to charity. I am not sure I even want them in my life! I feel like I am back in my childhood with the abuse I endured then and don't know how much more I can take.

Comments for Selfish Daughters

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

I know how you feel
by: Bittersweet

In many ways I'm like you. My childhood was not awful. I was not abused and I was well taken care of. My dad was cool but my mother was a screaming bitch. I was yelled at and belittled and treated unfairly all my life and even into adulthood. I made a promise I would never treat any child of mine like such.

I had one daughter and kept my promise. She is 36 and I let her live her life. I do not interfere, call or visit unannounced. (Like MY mother did)
I have no doubt she loves me, and she does come to visit for every holiday.

But outside of that, I get nothing. No random phone calls, or invitations for lunch or shopping. Sometimes I don't get responses from texts or emails. NEVER does she answer her phone. I get crumbs. I don't get cards for special occasions, sometimes not even a gift.

I rarely ask for favors because I assume the answer will be no. In fairness there were maybe 2 or 3 times I did ask for a favor and she came through. I had surgery and she came for me when I was released. But I don't make it a habit because I'll be told!

I blame much of it on the generation. We allowed our children to walk all over us because we didn't want to be like our parents were to us and this is the result.
You're not alone....millennial's are a very selfish generation. (Generally speaking)

That will be my life
by: Anonymous

Everything you are going through is what I’m sure my life will be like , I’ve been taking care of my parents, my mom has Alzheimer’s and she lives with me -

I have to beg my two daughters for them to help me even just a little bit . But I think we have to take what we can get , no matter how small it is , and take it with a lot of gratitude - Because your situation with your health can get worse .

by: Elly

My mother was a monster and I still visit her in her home 5 times a week, take her to all appointments, grocery shopping, library, clothes shopping she cannot drive and is widowed. I do not love doing all this but I would not let my mother know that, even though she treated me and my brother and father horribly.

My sorry brother does as close to nothing as he can.

So, yes, feel free to give your money to the charity of your choice. Or spend it on yourself now for taxi rides, help in your home....
An inheritance should never be expected. That is even more the case when one has not stepped up to the responsibility of assisting a parent in need.

by: Anonymous

Oh my gosh, my heart broke just reading your post. I am so sorry you are having to go through this and especially not understanding why it's happening.

How were they before their father died? If everything was okay then perhaps they are going through their own grieving and as the last living parent they are directing their anger at you? Anger is a very large part of grieving. Is it possible if your husband had life insurance they expected to receive a part of it and didn't (and I don't know if they did or not) and they are angry at you for that?

Aside from that possibility your two girls should be hanging their heads in shame! You are asking very little of them in comparison to the time many kids spend with their aging parents.

Have you sat down with them and just flat out asked why have you girls turned against me? I've asked so little yet you look upon this as a burden. I have no way to get to these eye appointments, is it really too much to ask for your help?

I wouldn't sit back and take this treatment, but I don't know how fragile your relationship might be with your daughters. It just seems to me like there is something simmering in the background with this situation.

As for some advice, I would try calling various senior centers in your locale and ask about transportation to appointments. Most cities offer that service. They may direct you to other places as well.

Also, if your daughters want to distance themselves from your life, then make another one. You are worth more than existing just for your daughters. Senior centers open all day serve lunch, they play cards, they visit, etc. It is a true lifeline for people who find themselves alone.

Again, I am so sorry for your situation. You have value, you have worth and don't you forget that!

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Caregiver Stress.

Home | Site Map | About | Contact | Privacy Policy | Disclosure

© Copyright evSky Incorporated 2008-2019 | All Rights Reserved

Eldercare for

Aging Parents

Are you having a difficult time with being the "Caregiver" for Mom and Dad?

Click Here to Read What Others are Saying and Leave a Comment About Your Own Experiences....

Or Start your Own Discussion Page!

Recent Articles

  1. Ugh!!

    Dec 28, 20 12:21 PM

    So I lost my mom 18 months ago. After her passing I would come to my parents house to clean and cook a couple of times a week for my dad. He still gets

    Read More

  2. 16yrs of Elderly care with NO HELP

    Dec 28, 20 12:18 PM

    I came back home in 2004 to help my dad as he had cancer, he eventually passed away few years later. Well here I am am in 2020 still at home taking care

    Read More

  3. I'm fed up

    Jul 22, 20 01:11 PM

    Hi I'm 20 years old and i live with my mother and sister. My sister is 18 and she works at our local grocery store and is usually doing her own thing.

    Read More