by Dax
(United Kingdom)

When I was growing up I never felt my mom was there for me. She made sure we ate, we had clothes (not a lot) and we had a roof over our head. But my mom was always very selfish, we lived around her.

When we were younger it wasn't tooooooo bad because we just did as we were told, or by *the look*. But has I got older my mom was very negative towards me. Any decisions I made she always pooh poohed. Always gave a negative response. It got to the point that I would not do anything unless it was all okay-ed by my mother.

She would belittle me in front of people all the time. Berate. She would be oblivious to the uncomfortable looks people gave her. Or sympathetic looks towards me. If I started to tell a story or tale she would always jump in and say *shut up, let me tell them* literally that is what she would do.

It was so embarrassing and annoying because she never told it right anyway!! Not that I corrected her!! I had that for years and years, if I was sitting on a chair in the lounge watching TV for instance and my mom came through she would just say *move!* and sit down in the chair.

This went on for many many many years. Undermined, belittled. But I never really questioned it. As long as she was in a relatively good mood I was happy, that way she wouldn't be toooooo caustic.

She even took control of my little boys funeral and wouldn't let me go because it would be too upsetting!! I have never recovered from this and only found his grave after he had been gone 13 years.

Then years later I had 2 little girls. The youngest has cerebral palsy with complex needs.
That changed me forever because once she came along all other things ceased to be important.

Especially my moms moods, she did try to pull me down in different ways but it really didn't matter anymore. Once she realized the tide had turned she then became very clingy to me, something which I really resent.

I love my mom very much but I resent her neediness terribly. I really really do resent it. There is so much more that brought me down in life but this is the gist of my resentment. HOW AM I GONNA GET PASSED THIS ....... HELP

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Hey Dax
by: Leasa

Hi Dax, I am so glad to hear of your relationship with your girls! I know we don't know each other, but I care about all people, especially people who have reached out.

You should be proud of the job you've done with your girls they sound so together. You especially should pat yourself on the back because you did this even throughout the sadness you were being fed.

I do think it's important that we do reach out to each other, and let others know they've been heard. I know there was a million times in my life I wish I had advice from anyone to help me see a way out or the light at the end of the tunnel.

I did go for casual counseling a couple of times in my life and it was such a relief and helped me see the priorities of what was important and what wasn't. I simplified my thinking and my life.

Take care and happiness where ever you can get it. Leasa

by: Dax

Hi Leasa
Thank you for taking the time to not only read my comment but also for answering.

I just thought I would let you know that the relationship I have with my girls is soooo very different to mine with my mom.

I have instilled in them their worth, They are very confident, strong minded girls, if i got nothing else right in my life I do know that they were never going to feel useless and weak.

My oldest girl takes absolutely no nonsense from my mom and although very respectful she really does not take a blind bit of notice. Having said that the younger one serious does not take anything either.

My older girl does get a little frustrated with me, but she knows its just a life time of dominance.

Having said that I usually just keep quiet now and totally disregard anything that I feel is not of any value to me emotionally. Well I try very Hard!!

I have thought of getting help but i would never be able to confront my mom with my feelings and until I can do that I just feel it would be useless.

Just now and again I need to sound off and this has been one of those weeks. i think putting your feelings down like this is therapeutic as well. To be honest, even if no one reads them. (or does that just sound sad) lol!!!!
I hope you have an amazing day. BE HAPPY !!!

She's good!
by: Leasa

Your mom sounds like the master manipulator of all time. She's good. But, you can't be in control unless others around you allow it and she pulled a life long number on you, her biggest conquest was controlling the death of your son. Shame on her.

The only thing you can do is move forward with a goal of being as healthy as you can, both physically and mentally because it sounds like your girls will need a mom who is strong and whole.

Get counseling a.s.a.p. Get past your past. You will have to tell your mother to figure out her life and get the support she may need. It's time for your mother to grow up.

Simply tell her, my girls need me, I need to move on and do it. That is your recipe for future happiness and health.

And above all, if you find yourself repeating your mother's way with either of your girls, slap yourself in the face and remember not to cause the kind of pain she did.

You can do it. Leasa

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