Resentment toward my father is two way street

by Martino
(SC)

He resents me for not doing jobs he wanted me to do over the years, resents me for having gone through years of alcoholism and now for just wanting a little down time away from him.

You see, my father has mild dementia and at 90 he can barely see out of one eye and completely blind in the other.

His hearing is terrible and he thinks hes capable of doing everything I'm still able to do such as strenuous yard work and so on. He resents not being able to drive anymore, resents the fact that he's absolutely NO fun in a grocery store.

We have to have someone with him nearly all day, every day so my better half and myself get rare times to get out together be it shopping or eating out.
We're responsible for all his medications, all his meals 3 times a way and then some.. Just trying to please his appetite is a herculean task. He seemingly hates everything and it all had to be soft enough for a baby to eat otherwise he won't touch it.

There's just not enough variety to cook soft foods for elderly people with no teeth so he endlessly complains about that.

He wants to consume dairy products even though he suffers from extreme constipation because of his medications and yet he refuses to give up drinking whole milk and eating cheese.

We've come to blows on several occasions and he's attacked me more than once although he's 90 and extremely frail
and weak. It's no real threat, but the emotional toll gets to us both.

He says some nasty things to both my wife and myself and generally treats us like the hired help. I'm completely unpaid.
When he doesn't get his way one of the first things is to call my sister to complain and ask if he can move to Texas to live with her.

He probably wouldn't survive the trip not to mention all his medications would get disrupted while my sister finds a doctor willing to put up with him and his lies about his health and prescribe his heavy dosages of pain killers.

He's been taking pain medication a long time, but almost once a week he tells us he's going to get off them. I've been through opiate rehab myself. My father would absolutely hate anything to do with a drug rehab regiment.

The last thing he needs is a stranger treating him like a criminal..

Anyway, he's lived far longer than anyone has expected with no end in site. It's not as if I actively want him to die, but enough is enough.

I've been a caregiver now for well over 20 years and I'm way past tired of doing it and now I'm showing signs myself of needing care in the not so distant future.

He's started arguments between my wife and myself many times to the point we wonder if we should even be together anymore.. Uhhhg.. It's a grind and it's grinding me down to dust..

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Caregiver burnout
by: Gina

Martino, I agree with the other commenter. Would your sister take him? Once he's out of your house for 30 days he is no longer a resident. This means if your sister decides to send him back, he can go straight into a facility, where he can get the care he needs.

He sounds like he has dementia and hence his increasingly poor treatment of you and broken filter and unreasonable expectations. Does he have enough money to go into assisted living? Not sure they'd take him if he were violent. Talk to your sister. What do you have to lose?

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maybe it is time for sister to have him for a while
by: Anonymous

you and your sweet wife seem burned out. Let your sister have a go at caring for your dear old dad. You need a break!!!

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